Sunday, September 5, 2010

Friday, August 20, 2010

The Power of Humor

What can you do with humor?

Sure you can have fun with it—or else why do people pay for the comedy shows and those comedy channels? You can also use it reduce tension, find a great bargain, keep your children in their seats…you name it. There are a thousand and one use of humor, but it leads to an ultimate goal—laughter.

Laughter is powerful, and much more powerful than most people think.

You can make women laugh and fall in love with you.

That sounds like a pretty bold claim doesn’t it? Let me explain.

Human beings have an obsessive desire to remain consistent. It is physically impossible to dislike the person who has already made you genuinely laugh, as you can’t resolve the conflicts and incongruity between laughter (liking someone) and disliking someone.

In other words, women tend to get closer to a guy who has consistently made them laugh! This not only occur at a logical level (“oh, being with him gives me so much joy and I want more”), but also at a subconscious level (maintaining consistency). Once you were made laugh by someone, it will be very inconsistent if you still maintain an antagonistic attitude towards that person.

Therefore, I use laughter to make women fall in love with me. The more women I could make laugh, the better get. You see, love is derived from the feeling of happiness and happiness is directly associated with laughter.

I’m sure in your entire life so far, you have made many, many, many women laugh, and sometimes you can get pretty good at it—sometimes with a particular woman or under some particular circumstances.

Sure, all of us can crack a joke or two. Sometimes we can be quite funny for a whole night... Can we all do it time after time, night after night? Do we all know the secrets that will make humor a natural part of you so that it's effortless to be humorous and charming?

Maybe not.

Some guys talk about the "art" of making women laugh.

Sure, they can call themselves "artists" as they like, but the problem is... once something becomes an art, you won't have rules to rely on and you can't measure the results. Making women laugh suddenly becomes an uncertain event.

But the fact is...Making women laugh is a science.

The fact is… human beings' reactions to different types of "humor stimuli" are predictable.

And there are tested-and-proven methods to match a humorous line and a subject's education, personality, and cultural to create laughter.

Any man, regardless of looks, intelligence, education, personality, can learn the mechanism of humor and laughter and develop his own style of humor.

About the author

The Perks of Global Warming

Marya Mannes once wrote, “The earth we abuse and the living things we kill will, in the end, take their revenge; for in exploiting their presence we are diminishing our future.” Obviously Ms. Mannes preferred the status quo - health, sanity, logic, blah, blah, blah. Why? Green House Roulette is so much more intriguing.

In the country, weather affects everything. For five years Western South Dakota has been gripped by drought. Water and hay are vanishing. Farms and ranches are blowing away. While the government bails out victims from hurricanes and says, ‘South Dawho?’ our cattle are pissing dust mites. Fortunately, things are looking up.

There is some good news! Those pesky glaciers are finally melting off! Last year an eight-nation report estimated an area of Arctic icepack the size of Texas and Kansas is gone. For those who are geographically impaired, that is an area bigger than a breadbox.

At first, news of devastating global climate change might seem a bit of a bummer. Then I read an LA Times article and had a change of heart. The article began with the usual gloom. Greenland’s ice cap is melting. Our coasts will flood from rising seawater. Inuit hunters are falling through thinning ice. Melting glaciers change ocean temperature and salinity contorting the jet stream, which results in altered weather patterns worldwide. Multitudes of species are dying off . . . It was disheartening.

Then I got to the article’s final paragraph. Bam! My faith was restored. Here the Times pointed out the perks of global warming. Seriously, the article actually ended saying: “The report is not all gloomy. A warmer Arctic could increase the number of some species, such as Arctic char, a fish. It could extend the growing season for wheat in Canada and open up now-treacherous sea routes, such as the Northwest Passage and the Northern Sea Route, which parallels Russia, for shipping and resource exploration.”

Three cheers for the LA Times! It’s true! All is not gloomy. With that glorious bit of sunshine pumped straight up my ski bibs, I was able to see things in a whole new light. I started thinking of other advantages to global warming. Soon you will agree that people from all walks of life will benefit.
For starters, Inuit Hunters will benefit! Once Inuit have nothing left to hunt there will be no need for them to risk falling through thin ice. Plus, by needing food they will be ripe for a floating (pontoons, not ice) Arctic Super Wal-Mart. “Go get ‘em, Sam.”

Boat owners will benefit! Not only will there be smooth sailing through the formerly bothersome ice of the Northwest Passage, but each summer, cruise ships will be able to run tourists straight up Bourbon Street in New Orleans.
Scuba Divers will benefit! There will be no more burning coral cuts. In fact there will be no more coral. Once all the reefs are gone, divers can pack away first aid kits and dive straight in. A little silt never cut anyone.

Canadian Wheat Farmers will benefit! You see, there is a 10% decrease in yield of corn from Midwest crops for every degree of global warming. No worries though, now wheat can take the place of corn. Think about all those scrumptious Wheat Dogs at the ball game. How about popped wheat with butter at the movies or steaming wheat on the cob? All scream ‘yummy’ to me.

While it is a bit ironic that ethanol is made from the corn crops global warming devastates, I am sure some aspiring chemist will rise to the challenge of developing ‘Wheatanol.’ Imagine Canuck Wheat Farmers having more influence than the Saudi Royal Family.

Dune-Buggy enthusiasts will benefit! The Dakotas will soon reopen for your 4-wheelin’ pleasure. Join the Mount Rushmore Nose Climb on July 4th! It will be a bugger of a challenge!

Eco-Tourism Operators will benefit! Companies could offer new “Emaciation Tour Packages.” Tourists get closer photos of polar bears and whales when they are too lethargic from starvation to meander away. In addition, long treks to Inuit villages can be avoided once they are forced to beg on the streets of Nome (or cashiering at Wal-Mart).

Finally, the next generation of Bush family politicians will benefit! Once again they can avoid addressing campaign issues, this time by distracting dehydrated voters with witty campaign phrases like; “No Kyoto Pact-No Ice Pack,” or “Dead Seals Never Flip-Flop,” even promising “No Char Left Behind.” Not to mention offering new, SPF 800 tax credits.

Well, by golly, I do feel better! Shall we spin the Rolette wheel some more?

The Party Store

Every now and then I like to frequent our local liquor store to stock my bar. Our neighborhood store is nothing special, but has what I need when I need it. I have never paid a whole lot of attention to the sign as I entered the establishment. The sign clearly states that not only do they sell beer and wine, they also sell party supplies. Great. You never know when a party may break out and having a store with party supplies at your disposal is nothing but a posititve thing.

I walked into our neighborhood establishment and strolled through the isles. My bar was already stocked sufficiently, so alcohol was not on the list for this trip. Today's trip was for nothing but party supplies.

I greeted the man behind the counter with a smile. "Hello" to him must mean,"please tell me every insignificant detail of yourself" as he proceeded to tell me about his day up to that point. Thanks. I care. This man was nothing but a distraction in my procurement of party supplies. I strolled through the isles, acknowledged the offer to help me find anything. I knew what I was looking for, I don't want Mr. Annoying's help. The store isn't that big, and I think I can find the party supplies I was looking for.

A little time passed, and I continued my search for party supplies. Up and down every isle i looked for things that were necessary for a party (hence the name party supplies.) After thorough examination of the store three times over, I came to a startling conclusion. My idea of party supplies may be a little different than theirs. Here are the "party supplies" i found at the store.

Ice. Yup, ice is needed for parties. Afterall, its what keeps the beverages cold. A great party supply indeed. Unfortunately, this was the only thing we agreed on.

Porn. Racks and racks of all varieties of porn magazines lined one whole wall. I know some party people will tell you that a party isn't a party without the latest issue of Greasy Babes. I tend to disagree. In my experience, nothing breaks up a party like that one crazy guy with his pants down screamin, "wooooo, I got the latest issue of Swank...its PARTY TIME!!!"

Lighters. Again, not my idea of a party supply. I gave up the lets burn things party a long time ago and I have think most normal adults have too. But what I seem to be learning here is that most normal adults are not buying their party supplies from a liquor store.

Beef Jerky. Okay, I don't think I have to really expand on this. Anyone that EVER brings beef jerky to a party should be lit on fire with the lighter they most likely bought as well. If you must make a reference to beef jerky being the ultimate compliment to porn, you may do so. I'm not touching that one.

That's it. That was all I could find that would even come close to being party supplies, no little parasols for drinks, not even a SOLO cup to be found.

Needless to say, I was a little disappointed, educated and a little weirded out at the same time. I like to think of it as the trifecta of human experience.

The Origins Of Spring-Cleaning, Or Along Came Eve

I always know when April makes its yearly debut without consulting the calendar because my wife usually says, “Let’s clean out the garage today.” Trust me on this one, it is no April fool’s joke, but someone gets fooled. And believe me, I’m just not anybody’s fool. I’m my wife’s fool.

Somehow, her “let’s” has a funny singular ring to it and we had, if I remember correctly, a double ring wedding ceremony. Hers is on her left ring finger while mine somehow ended up in my nose.

For some reason spring brings to women, wives in particular, an uncontrollable urge to clean something. It doesn’t matter what that something is, it has to be cleaned. Moreover, it does not matter how clean or dirty that something is or when it was last cleaned, it must be cleaned again.

This represents a basic philosophical difference between men and women. In the beginning, man was perfectly at home with dirt, then along came Eve and introduced spring-cleaning.

We have no idea how long it was between Adam and the time Eve came onto the scene, but it was long enough to get the entire Garden of Eden dirty, necessitating a thorough cleaning.

Thus began the yearly ritual known as spring-cleaning. This tradition has been handed down from mother to daughter since the beginning of time. As far as I can ascertain, no father on record has handed down to his son any way of putting a stop to this nonsense. And don’t think I’m not just a little upset about that.

I think our forefathers could have found a fifth father to help come up with a workable plan to get rid of this yearly onus.

But, it is spring and the time-honored ritual has come to our domestic den. Spring is in the air and spring-cleaning is on the agenda. I, on the other hand, had other plans, which did not include soap and water. So much for my plans. A husband’s plan is always subject to his wife’s rescheduling.

Every year I asked the same question. How in the world does spring get so dirty? And, more important, why do I have to clean it? I didn’t mess it up.

I believe Mother Nature ought to clean her own spring and not push this responsibility onto husbands like me who have better things to do with their time.

One year I got confused and cleaned my spring in the fall, which screwed up my whole winter wondering what I would do when spring actually arrived and it was already cleaned.

Spring-cleaning would not be so bad if I could use my definition of clean rather than my wife’s. One man’s clean is his wife’s “when are you going to clean that?”

At the least, it would be helpful if spring-cleaning only came on leap year, which would give me an opportunity to hop out of the way before my good wife could spring into action.

In our house, the annual spring cleaning focuses on the garage. When my wife gets it into her head to clean the garage, I get it into my head to get clean out of her way. In the scheme of things, how important is a clean garage anyway? It’s not as if Martha Stewart is going to make a surprise visit.

As a veteran husband (with the scars to prove it), I have discovered one thing in my house. Behold, a greater than Martha Stewart lives at my lodgings.

My philosophy is simply, a dirty garage is a happy garage. It just doesn’t make my wife happy and when she’s not happy neither am I — so I am willing to live with an unhappy garage. These are the compromises enabling husbands to survive generation after generation. At least, enabling this husband to survive spring-cleaning one more year.

I have no idea what my garage does during the winter to get so dirty, but I wish it would stop it, or at least clean up after itself and not cause me so much grief.

When the idea of spring-cleaning comes up, I take one gander at the object of the endeavor and try to duck out as quickly as possible. I usually run into my wife standing at the door and realize my goose is cooked, usually to a nice golden burnt.

My idea of cleaning the garage is opening the garage door and the back door and let nature take its course. However, when I suggest this, an ill wind blows my way, if you know what I mean.

Garage cleaning invariably leads to garage sales. Garage sales are amazing.

Instead of donating my worthless junk to the neighborhood dump, I sell it to my neighbors, who will put it in their garage sale next year. This keeps neighborhood junk in circulation for years, and then some antique dealer buys it and starts the whole cycle again in New York City.

One man’s junk is another man’s antique.

My wife insists cleanliness is next to godliness. If that is so, why did God create so much dirt?

God is also in the cleaning business and you can be sure His is the ultimate leaving nothing unclean.

The Apostle Paul explains, “Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost.” (Titus 3:5 KJV.)

When God says, “Let’s clean out your life today,” trust Him to do a thorough job.

The Finer Points of Poverty

I'm poor. And I'm not ashamed of it. Actually, I'm kind of proud of myself for being poor. It's an accomplishment that many people will never attain. Some people will go through their whole life and never know what it's like to experience some of the finer points of poverty like eating ramon noodles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner 5 days a week. My heart goes out to these types of people. The Fourtunate Ones. People who've always had electricity, nice cars, and proper clothing.

I wasn't always poor. I had to work hard at it. I had to quit several jobs without finding new ones. I had to spend 75% of my paycheck at the bar when I knew my bills would have easily taken 90%. I had to max out credit cards and never pay on them. I had to give money to females that I knew would never pay it back. And most importantly I had to move to a small town where $6.00 and hour is considered 'good money'.

I didn't know that I was putting myself in line for poverty while I was doing all these things. I just woke up one day and realized that I couldn't pay my car note because I only had 11 cents in the bank. And that's when it hit me: I'm POOR! It took me 25 long years but I finally nose-dived below the poverty line. I was now in the same category as the homeless and welfare recipients. No more was I hindered by riches. I had shed that lifestyle. I got up and fixed myself a mayonaisse sandwich to celebrate. Delicious!

As a poor person I am entitled to certain privledges to which the well-to-do won't every be privy. I decide haved to list a few:

- Instead of lugging around a wallet full of heavy dollar bills I now pay for important purchases like gasoline and food with spare change that I scavenge up around the


- I get to shop at stores with improperly spelled titles like Sav-A-Lot, Thrif-Ti-Mart, and DisKount King. These stores offer a wide variety of out-dated, slightly damaged merchandise that Wal-Mart shoppers can only dream of.

- I get to drool at resturant commercials on TV because I know I will never be able to afford meals like that again unless a rich relative dies

- I get to wear my friend's hand-me-down clothes and shoes. This means that I rarely match and my feet ache constantly from wearing shoes that are three sizes too small.

- I get to freely engage in the offical sports of the National Poor People's Association: begging and borrowing.

- I get to go to bed every night with the comforting thought that if I ever do meet Ms.Right I can't afford to date her.

I'll stop there because I see the envy rising to dangerous levels in a few reader's eyes. These readers probably have steady jobs and nice homes or apartments. Their bills are probably caught up. They probably have an immense wardrobe with properly sized shoes. Their bank account probably never drops below $5,000. I apologize to these readers if my boasting about my impoverished condition has made them feel inferior and totally removed any self-esteem they may have had left. All I can say is that I never meant to be poor. I was just in the right places at the right times. Maybe one day all of you will find yourselves on the Road to Rags as well. Until then you can check in with me if you want to know what it's like. I'll be the guy on the side of the interstate off-ramp with the 'Will Work For Food' sign. Pull your Mercedes right up and ask me anything. I promise I won't laugh.

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Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Da Vinci Code; This Year's Biblical Box-Office Bonanza

The Da Vinci Code is now off and running as this year’s megabuck Biblical controversy. Question is, why do we seem to be afflicted with such a nearly annual entity?

Slight thought reveals the obvious. Given the big numbers that a major studio has to turn to make a return on a movie, it’s hardly a wonder that they keep turning to what they, in their needy bottom lines, consider the biggest subjects available.

Apparently, The Bible is pretty much at the top of their list.

Here they can find one topic after another that, treated cannily enough, is guaranteed to outrage the sensibilities of millions of comparatively sincere and innocent people – and, as a result, garner enough free publicity to ensure that the usually mundane redo of Biblical history will become a must-see movie for millions around the world.

Proof positive, last year we had the sincere savant of the box office, Mel Gibson, release his Passion of Christ on an expectedly ruffled world, and this year we’ve got resourceful action-adventure scribbler Ron Brown unloading the Hollywood version of his Da Vinci Mother Lode.

No doubt in coming years one of the less-scrupulous perpetrators of popular outrage will write a book and/or make a movie about such admittedly touchy stories as the Virgin Mary and what exactly the Angel Gabriel was doing there the night he told her she was going to conceive.

While this proclivity to Biblical blockbusters is inevitably tough on believers, it’s also hardly a source of placid delight to those who look on the entire explosive subject as evidence of almost inconceivable gullibility, even high up the ladder of either advocacy.

Which, unfortunately, confirms just how wide an audience Hollywood can expect to attend such ventures toward assured filmic bullion.