Here, I focus on a range of items and features that we use in life without giving them a second thought such as Coca Cola, body muscles and holding ones own breath. Though, most of these notes are not fundamentally necessary, they are such that you can use them for a good laugh, at a drinks party or for picking up women or men.
1) Coca-Cola: Did you know that its original colour was green?
2) Mohammed: Did you know that this is the most used name in the entire world?
3) Geographical Letters: Did you know that the name of each of the continents begins and concludes with the exact same alphabet? Do not believe that? Look up Asia, Europe, Africa, America, Antarctica and the rest.
4) Muscle Strength: Did you know that the strongest muscle in the entire body is that one which we use to lick a popsicle? Your tongue.
5) Credit Cards: In the United States, were you aware that each and every person has at least two credit cards?
6) An Antique Machine: The word for an old machine that was once used for writing letters and other documents is the largest word that one can make if they click only on a single row of their computer's keyboard: typewriter!
7) Blink: Men wink at women, but research has found out that the average woman blinks nearly two times more than the average man.
8) Suicide: Even though you might have wondered if it was possible, studies have discovered that it is impossible to kill oneself by simply holding in your breath.
9) Licking: However much you may try, you will never be able to lick your elbows.
10) Sneeze: Try sneezing. People will automatically answer you with a bless you greeting. Have you ever imagined why? Some say that this happens because a sneeze stops the functioning of the heart for a very tiny second.
11) The Blue Sky: Did you know that a pig, no matter how much they try, cannot look up into the sky?
12) Twisting Your Tongue: We have all dabbled with different tongue-twisters in our day. But do you know which is the toughest? Sixth sick sheiks sixth sheeps sick.
13) Ribs: Did you know that you should try not to sneeze too strongly. Why? A very powerful sneeze has the ability to cause a fracture in your ribcage. But, then again, if you try and withhold one, you stand the chance of breaking one of the many blood vessels in your neck or head. This could cause death.
14) Cards: Did you think that the Kings are all just random cards referring to random figures? No. Each one signifies a different king: Diamonds for Julius Caesar, Clubs for Alexander the Great, Spades for David and Hearts for Charlemagne.
15) And finally: Most everyone reading this (Caught You!) are trying to lick their elbows at this exact moment!
Conclusion: Most of these are not scientific facts, but they are hilarious, funny and can be used to lighten up the ambience when a conversation has gone dull. Use any and see your popularity rise up to great heights. Visit http://www.gambling-portal.com for more jokes.
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Clutterbugs
"This house is so cluttered I can't find anything," said my husband.
I looked around, and realized that most of the clutter was his, on that particular day, anyway. He seemed to be oblivious to that fact. He's not only a closet packrat, he builds guitars. He rebuilds guitars- guitars that don't quite meet his specifications when he buys them. Our living room is a guitar parts morgue. We could open up a store... They ought to make tables that have a slight angle to them, because every flat surface in our house gets piled with guitar parts, newspapers, mail, art supplies, telephones (yes we have several that don't even work, but "might be salvageable"), and all the equipment that goes along with the guitar building and playing. His "workroom" has a tendency to overflow into the living areas. He said, just the other day, that he wanted to use the other bedroom to "store" stuff, too. I had to make a decision, to blatantly show him that most of the clutter is his, or keep quiet and put all his things away in his used-to-be-a-bedroom "workroom". He surely would complain then, because it would be "put up." We can't ever find things that are "put up." We "put it up" so well, that it's never to be seen again. Might as well go buy another one, for all the good it's gonna' do us looking for it.
The trouble is, I think, we have too much stuff. If someone came by today and asked us to take up our cross and follow Christ (or Yeshua), we wouldn't be able to find it. The Spring cleaning bug has died, too. It comes around once a year around March. Things get spruced up and "put up" and then it slowly fades away, back to the way it was. Little baskets I put around to hide the parts, and pocket contents he dumps out when he comes home are filled to the brim with all kinds of things- gloves, dog leashes, papers, and one even has an amplifier balanced on top of it.
Dust is another problem. We live in the Southwest, where rain is as scarce as change from a vending machine. Lots of dust causes lots of static electricity, which in turn causes computer freeze-ups and malfunctions. With both of us being avowed computer geeks, that certainly is a problem. We are frequently unplugging everything and plugging it back in to release the charge. I even bought some anti-static spray the other day, but alas, it is lost, after just one use. We live in Colorado, but you'd think I was back in West Texas with all the dust that seems to creep in here. I work at home, so my husband thinks I have all day to just go around and dust, and find things. He has no idea... Well, occasionally I do the chores, but anything that needs dusting that's more than five feet high, isn't going to get dusted. If I can't see it, it isn't there. It doesn't bother me, as long as I can't see it.
Maybe I'll start building pianos. They have lots of parts. And they're really big. Nah. They have a flat surface on top. I'd never be able to get into them to work on them. Besides, I'd never get anything else done, just playing the piano all day...
I looked around, and realized that most of the clutter was his, on that particular day, anyway. He seemed to be oblivious to that fact. He's not only a closet packrat, he builds guitars. He rebuilds guitars- guitars that don't quite meet his specifications when he buys them. Our living room is a guitar parts morgue. We could open up a store... They ought to make tables that have a slight angle to them, because every flat surface in our house gets piled with guitar parts, newspapers, mail, art supplies, telephones (yes we have several that don't even work, but "might be salvageable"), and all the equipment that goes along with the guitar building and playing. His "workroom" has a tendency to overflow into the living areas. He said, just the other day, that he wanted to use the other bedroom to "store" stuff, too. I had to make a decision, to blatantly show him that most of the clutter is his, or keep quiet and put all his things away in his used-to-be-a-bedroom "workroom". He surely would complain then, because it would be "put up." We can't ever find things that are "put up." We "put it up" so well, that it's never to be seen again. Might as well go buy another one, for all the good it's gonna' do us looking for it.
The trouble is, I think, we have too much stuff. If someone came by today and asked us to take up our cross and follow Christ (or Yeshua), we wouldn't be able to find it. The Spring cleaning bug has died, too. It comes around once a year around March. Things get spruced up and "put up" and then it slowly fades away, back to the way it was. Little baskets I put around to hide the parts, and pocket contents he dumps out when he comes home are filled to the brim with all kinds of things- gloves, dog leashes, papers, and one even has an amplifier balanced on top of it.
Dust is another problem. We live in the Southwest, where rain is as scarce as change from a vending machine. Lots of dust causes lots of static electricity, which in turn causes computer freeze-ups and malfunctions. With both of us being avowed computer geeks, that certainly is a problem. We are frequently unplugging everything and plugging it back in to release the charge. I even bought some anti-static spray the other day, but alas, it is lost, after just one use. We live in Colorado, but you'd think I was back in West Texas with all the dust that seems to creep in here. I work at home, so my husband thinks I have all day to just go around and dust, and find things. He has no idea... Well, occasionally I do the chores, but anything that needs dusting that's more than five feet high, isn't going to get dusted. If I can't see it, it isn't there. It doesn't bother me, as long as I can't see it.
Maybe I'll start building pianos. They have lots of parts. And they're really big. Nah. They have a flat surface on top. I'd never be able to get into them to work on them. Besides, I'd never get anything else done, just playing the piano all day...
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Are You Looking For Quality Comedy Entertainment?
Are you looking for quality comedy entertainment? Check out ComedySportz for a great show everyone in your family or group will love.
1. ComedySportz is funny improvisation played as a sport. It is excellent entertainment for people of all ages.
2. Two teams improvise while acting out scenes, games, and songs as they compete for points and laughes from the audience. There are referees who monitor play and the National Anthem is played before every game. The winning team is chosen by the audience who takes a vote.
3. ComedySportz is modeled after the comedy show, Theatersports by Keith Johnson. The comedy version was born in 1984 by Dick Chudnow.
4. You can find this comedy show in cities throughout the United States including: Spokane, Chicago, Indianapolis, Richmond, Dallas, and New York. They also do shows in the United Kingdom and Ireland.
5. Because this comedy show is clean, funny, interactive and positive it is a great show for the entire family.
6. ComedySportz performs well over 2000 shows on the road ever year. They do shows for colleges, corporate events, churches and fundraising groups.
7. Highly rated by everyone who sees one of their shows fans of ComedySportz rave about the quality of their shows.
8. Comedy is not the only service provided by ComedySportz. They also offer a variety of classes, workshops and seminars on teambuilding and communication skills. These workshops provide an opportunity to improve communication skills and teamwork in the workplace.
9. There are three levels of workshops. Level One seminars on improvisation include: trust, speed, status, accepting and conquering fears and basic scene making. These skills are learned through a games and various activities which require improvisation.
10. The next level workshop is level two. Once you have completed level one you can take a level two workshop. It is here you will learn ComedySportz games as well continued work on improvisational skills. There are even opportunities for level two students to perform. Level Three continues to build on these skills.
11. If you or your company is interested in having a seminar focused on learning communication and team work skills while also having a great time, ComedySportz can put one together for you.
ComedySportz offers comedy, fun, healthy competition and opportunities for self improvement.
1. ComedySportz is funny improvisation played as a sport. It is excellent entertainment for people of all ages.
2. Two teams improvise while acting out scenes, games, and songs as they compete for points and laughes from the audience. There are referees who monitor play and the National Anthem is played before every game. The winning team is chosen by the audience who takes a vote.
3. ComedySportz is modeled after the comedy show, Theatersports by Keith Johnson. The comedy version was born in 1984 by Dick Chudnow.
4. You can find this comedy show in cities throughout the United States including: Spokane, Chicago, Indianapolis, Richmond, Dallas, and New York. They also do shows in the United Kingdom and Ireland.
5. Because this comedy show is clean, funny, interactive and positive it is a great show for the entire family.
6. ComedySportz performs well over 2000 shows on the road ever year. They do shows for colleges, corporate events, churches and fundraising groups.
7. Highly rated by everyone who sees one of their shows fans of ComedySportz rave about the quality of their shows.
8. Comedy is not the only service provided by ComedySportz. They also offer a variety of classes, workshops and seminars on teambuilding and communication skills. These workshops provide an opportunity to improve communication skills and teamwork in the workplace.
9. There are three levels of workshops. Level One seminars on improvisation include: trust, speed, status, accepting and conquering fears and basic scene making. These skills are learned through a games and various activities which require improvisation.
10. The next level workshop is level two. Once you have completed level one you can take a level two workshop. It is here you will learn ComedySportz games as well continued work on improvisational skills. There are even opportunities for level two students to perform. Level Three continues to build on these skills.
11. If you or your company is interested in having a seminar focused on learning communication and team work skills while also having a great time, ComedySportz can put one together for you.
ComedySportz offers comedy, fun, healthy competition and opportunities for self improvement.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Gossip: What People Say About It
We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it. We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it.
What might one say under the influence of a confessional potion when asked, “Why do you always talk about other people?”
We imagined the reply, “Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself.”
Before we turn to the little basket of quotes we picked for you, we can also pass along a couple of our own consolations. One, it’s a lot better to be interesting enough to be talked about than to be the interested party who’s doing the talking. Two, gossip’s empty gambits take place in a playground, actually, on a seesaw. The child who delights to babble sees you way up there – the higher the better – and thinks that by putting you down he or she will put himself or herself up. Tada!
Now, we turn to what others have gossiped about it. It appears, not surprisingly, that brilliance has enlivened the subject only rarely.
“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.” George Bernard Shaw
“I know that’s a secret, for it’s whispered everywhere.” William Congreve
“They come together like the Coroner’s Inquest, to sit upon the murdered reputations of the week.” Congreve
“I hate to spread rumors, but what else can you do with them?” Amanda Lear
“If you haven’t got anything good to say about anyone come and sit by me.” Alice Roosevelt Longworth
“She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to squirt this mixture at all her friends.” Harold Nicolson
“I’m called away by particular business – but I leave my character behind me.” Richard Brinsley Sheridan
“Here is the whole set! A character dead at every word.” Same Sheridan
“There is only one thing in the world that is worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” Oscar Wilde
“A professional athlete – of the tongue.” Aldous Huxley
Social sewage.” George Meredith
“Foul whisperings.” William Shakespeare (Sometimes referrred to in gossip as Billy Wigglestick)
What might one say under the influence of a confessional potion when asked, “Why do you always talk about other people?”
We imagined the reply, “Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself.”
Before we turn to the little basket of quotes we picked for you, we can also pass along a couple of our own consolations. One, it’s a lot better to be interesting enough to be talked about than to be the interested party who’s doing the talking. Two, gossip’s empty gambits take place in a playground, actually, on a seesaw. The child who delights to babble sees you way up there – the higher the better – and thinks that by putting you down he or she will put himself or herself up. Tada!
Now, we turn to what others have gossiped about it. It appears, not surprisingly, that brilliance has enlivened the subject only rarely.
“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.” George Bernard Shaw
“I know that’s a secret, for it’s whispered everywhere.” William Congreve
“They come together like the Coroner’s Inquest, to sit upon the murdered reputations of the week.” Congreve
“I hate to spread rumors, but what else can you do with them?” Amanda Lear
“If you haven’t got anything good to say about anyone come and sit by me.” Alice Roosevelt Longworth
“She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to squirt this mixture at all her friends.” Harold Nicolson
“I’m called away by particular business – but I leave my character behind me.” Richard Brinsley Sheridan
“Here is the whole set! A character dead at every word.” Same Sheridan
“There is only one thing in the world that is worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” Oscar Wilde
“A professional athlete – of the tongue.” Aldous Huxley
Social sewage.” George Meredith
“Foul whisperings.” William Shakespeare (Sometimes referrred to in gossip as Billy Wigglestick)
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
A Revised History Of Pasta
While Marco Polo, a Venetian, is generally given credit for discovering noodles in China, recent research suggests that Italian pasta in all its glorious varieties was actually discovered in Rome nearly a century earlier, and quite by accident, by a remarkably unlikely epicurean named Julius Amplonius, with the able assistance of an invading barbarian named Klunk, The Great.
The momentous event occurred one afternoon when this portly patrician was dining at a chic restaurant just off the Roman Forum. He was savoring a sip of red wine from Tuscany when a group of alarmed citizens came running by, screeching, “The barbarians are coming! The barbarians are coming!”
Amplonius had witnessed their arrival before, and by now he had made peace with the ancient wisdom, “Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may be out of food and wine.” It was by such Stoicism that the wise were able to witness the destruction of the Roman Empire while preserving a somewhat peaceful life. So, with a knowing smile, Julius simply raised his glass toward the fleeing crowd.
“What are you going to do, Julie, just sit there and eat?” a citizen who knew him quite well asked.
“Why not?” he replied. “I’m thirsty. Not to mention hungry.” With that, he indulged in another taste of the Tuscan red.
“You’re crazy!” a speeding friend called. “Run, Julie! Run!”
Just then a waitress who doubled as a temptress arrived with Julie’s lunch, which might be described as a plate of proto-pasta. It consisted of a flat, round piece of dough that hung just a bit over the margins of the plate. It had a baked tomato sitting in the middle of it, with a single chunk of parmesan cheese next to it, and around both was a wreath of fragrant basil leaves.
“Enjoy your plano,” she said, putting down the dish, for that is the name the proto-pasta was known by.
“Thank you, gorgeous,” Julius told her, and gave her a pinch.
“Oh, you silly man,” she replied, and, looking about, seemed nervous. “Can you do me a favor, love, and close out your bill now?”
“No problem, you sex kitten,” he said, and reached for his purse. He took out enough Roman coinage to include a generous tip. “Keep the change,” he told her, and pursed his lips expectantly.
“Thank you, sweetie,” she said, and gave him a luscious but ever-so-brief kiss. Then she hurried off after the other fleeing citizens.
Julius calmly picked up a knife and fork and began to eat his proto-pasta.
Just as he cut off and savored his first bite, in rushed a huge, fur-covered barbarian, with a leather shield and the fateful sword with which he would help Julius discover pasta in many of the varieties we enjoy to this day, from lasagna to angel hair.
“Uh!” he grunted, and raised his sword.
Julius continued to dine. “Uh! Uh!” the barbarian raged, for the sound “uh” comprised much of the everyday range of his proto-language. To attract the attention of the unperturbed diner, he swung his sword in a circle and just happened to whack off the head of a statue of the great Augustus. It crashed to the marble floor.
Julius couldn’t help but notice the decapitation and, placing a leaf of basil on his tongue, said, “That wasn’t very nice. I kind of liked that statue.”
The barbarian could not, of course, understand a word. In an effort to establish a bit of good will, at least long enough to allow him to finish his meal, Julius held up his bottle of wine. “Like some vino?”
“Huh-Uh!” the barbarian managed to say.
“Suit yourself,” Julie told him. “Got a name?”
The barbarian stared at him without comprehension.
“Name?” Julius repeated, pointing to himself and then at the barbarian to illustrate the point of his question.
“Klunk,” the barbarian said.
“I might have guessed,” Julius commented.
“Klunk, The Great,” the barbarian continued, with some intellectual effort.
“Good for you,” Julius told him, and put out his hand. “I’m Julius, The Roman, also known as Julie, The Ample. Have a seat.”
“Huh-uh! I am conqueror – conqueror of Rome!” Klunk managed to say.
“Good for you!” Julie told him, and couldn’t resist asking the most challenging question. “Are you sure you can afford the upkeep? It’s an expensive city to maintain.”
“What is upkeep?” Klunk wanted to know.
“You’ll find out,” Julius advised him. “Now, come on. Have a seat. You’ve had a hard day.” Then he pointed to his dish and indicated a reluctant willingness to share some of his food. “And enjoy some plano.”
Klunk looked down at the plate, and asked, “What is plano?”
“You don't know?” Julie inquired. “Where have you been?”
“Other side of the Alps,” Klunk managed to get out.
“Oh, no wonder,” Julie replied, and decided to educate the deprived soul. “See. This is a plate. Ever hear of a plate?”
“Plate?”
“Instead of eating off the table, or the ground, you eat off of a plate.”
“Uh,” Klunk said, with apparent understanding.
“Now, on the plate we put a flat piece of boiled dough, called plano,” Julius continued, lifting up the edge with his fork to demonstrate. “Then we put all kinds of goodies on top of it. In this case, a tomato, a piece of cheese, and basil leaves.”
“Uh-huh.” Klunk acknowledged.
“All you do is take a knife and fork,” Julius explained, picking the utensils up slowly, so Klunk wouldn’t mistake his intentions and send his head rolling the way of the great Augustus’s marble head. “Then you cut off a piece.” He went through the process and took a bite. “Ah, delicious! Sure you won’t have any?”
“Uh-huh,” Klunk said, holding his ground, and repeated with some effort, “Plano.”
“Excellent!” Julius exclaimed. “You'll be a true Roman in no time!”
“Klunk – a Roman?” the barbarian responded, visibly insulted, and raised his sword high above Julius. Then, unexpectedly, he brought the sword down on the plate and cut the plano right in half. “Now, what do you call it?” he was somehow able to ask.
Julius looked down at the two half-moons, and said, “I think I’ll call that one big agnolotti.” Then he took another sip of wine and smiled at Klunk.
Incensed at his inability to frighten Julius, he raised his sword again and whacked the plate three or four times. “What do you call it now?”
Julius examined it, and said, “This I’ll call lasagne.” With that, he took a bite and savored it.
Now furious, Klunk attacked the plate repeatedly, and demanded, “What do you call it now?”
Julius, despite his indifference to fate, was a bit shaken by all the clatter, and said, “I will name it linguine.”
Needless to say, Klunk swung his sword at the plate with an unprecedented volley of strokes. “What is it now?”
Julius examined the mishmash on his plate. By now, the plano was cut into thin strips, the tomato was diced, and the cheese was grated. After some deliberation, Julius announced, “You made what I will call spaghetti.” Still remaining remarkably calm, at least on the exterior, Julius took his fork and wound some spaghetti around it. Then he took a bite. “Delicious! And fun, too,” he told Klunk.
Enraged at his seemingly imperturbable true Roman, the barbarian now slashed at the contents of the plate until his arms were a veritable blur. Then, short of breath, he sighed, “Tell me what you name that.”
Julius looked closely at the mayhem in his plate. Now, the pasta was as thin as he could imagine it, and the tomato sauce, cheese, and basil were all mixed together. “It is so thin I think I will name it angel hair.”
Klunk became unexpectedly curious and bent toward Julius. “Angel hair? What for? You no angel. You fat Roman.”
Considering how finely the plano was now sliced, Julius could not imagine how much longer it could invite the attentions of Klunk and imagined that his own neck might well be the next object of the barbarian’s fury. Ever the clever Roman, he noticed that, as a result of Klunk’s exertion, his tummy was showing a bit.
Julie was, of course, also aware of the legendary weakness of the barbarian shield, as opposed to the metal shield that accounted for much of the impenetrability of the storied Roman phalanx.
So he pretended to move his knife toward the last remaining decent-size piece of tomato, saying, “No, my friend, I am not an angel.” With that, he quickly stabbed the somewhat exhausted Klunk, and added, “But you’re about to become one.”
Klunk looked down at his sudden, fatal wound with shock and fell to the ground with a thud. His head knocked the table and, if Julius’s hands weren’t so quick, the movement would have upset his glass of wine.
Leaning back and enjoying a sip, he said, “I think I’m gonna call all these things I discovered after my beautiful girlfriend, Pastina.” Then he rolled a bit on his fork and indulged in another mouthful, musing, “I just love Pastina.”
All the names Julius invented that day, with the undoubted help of the ill-fated barbarian Klunk, have come down through the centuries without alteration, except for the categorical appellation, which usage would eventually abbreviate to the more familiar word “pasta.”
The momentous event occurred one afternoon when this portly patrician was dining at a chic restaurant just off the Roman Forum. He was savoring a sip of red wine from Tuscany when a group of alarmed citizens came running by, screeching, “The barbarians are coming! The barbarians are coming!”
Amplonius had witnessed their arrival before, and by now he had made peace with the ancient wisdom, “Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may be out of food and wine.” It was by such Stoicism that the wise were able to witness the destruction of the Roman Empire while preserving a somewhat peaceful life. So, with a knowing smile, Julius simply raised his glass toward the fleeing crowd.
“What are you going to do, Julie, just sit there and eat?” a citizen who knew him quite well asked.
“Why not?” he replied. “I’m thirsty. Not to mention hungry.” With that, he indulged in another taste of the Tuscan red.
“You’re crazy!” a speeding friend called. “Run, Julie! Run!”
Just then a waitress who doubled as a temptress arrived with Julie’s lunch, which might be described as a plate of proto-pasta. It consisted of a flat, round piece of dough that hung just a bit over the margins of the plate. It had a baked tomato sitting in the middle of it, with a single chunk of parmesan cheese next to it, and around both was a wreath of fragrant basil leaves.
“Enjoy your plano,” she said, putting down the dish, for that is the name the proto-pasta was known by.
“Thank you, gorgeous,” Julius told her, and gave her a pinch.
“Oh, you silly man,” she replied, and, looking about, seemed nervous. “Can you do me a favor, love, and close out your bill now?”
“No problem, you sex kitten,” he said, and reached for his purse. He took out enough Roman coinage to include a generous tip. “Keep the change,” he told her, and pursed his lips expectantly.
“Thank you, sweetie,” she said, and gave him a luscious but ever-so-brief kiss. Then she hurried off after the other fleeing citizens.
Julius calmly picked up a knife and fork and began to eat his proto-pasta.
Just as he cut off and savored his first bite, in rushed a huge, fur-covered barbarian, with a leather shield and the fateful sword with which he would help Julius discover pasta in many of the varieties we enjoy to this day, from lasagna to angel hair.
“Uh!” he grunted, and raised his sword.
Julius continued to dine. “Uh! Uh!” the barbarian raged, for the sound “uh” comprised much of the everyday range of his proto-language. To attract the attention of the unperturbed diner, he swung his sword in a circle and just happened to whack off the head of a statue of the great Augustus. It crashed to the marble floor.
Julius couldn’t help but notice the decapitation and, placing a leaf of basil on his tongue, said, “That wasn’t very nice. I kind of liked that statue.”
The barbarian could not, of course, understand a word. In an effort to establish a bit of good will, at least long enough to allow him to finish his meal, Julius held up his bottle of wine. “Like some vino?”
“Huh-Uh!” the barbarian managed to say.
“Suit yourself,” Julie told him. “Got a name?”
The barbarian stared at him without comprehension.
“Name?” Julius repeated, pointing to himself and then at the barbarian to illustrate the point of his question.
“Klunk,” the barbarian said.
“I might have guessed,” Julius commented.
“Klunk, The Great,” the barbarian continued, with some intellectual effort.
“Good for you,” Julius told him, and put out his hand. “I’m Julius, The Roman, also known as Julie, The Ample. Have a seat.”
“Huh-uh! I am conqueror – conqueror of Rome!” Klunk managed to say.
“Good for you!” Julie told him, and couldn’t resist asking the most challenging question. “Are you sure you can afford the upkeep? It’s an expensive city to maintain.”
“What is upkeep?” Klunk wanted to know.
“You’ll find out,” Julius advised him. “Now, come on. Have a seat. You’ve had a hard day.” Then he pointed to his dish and indicated a reluctant willingness to share some of his food. “And enjoy some plano.”
Klunk looked down at the plate, and asked, “What is plano?”
“You don't know?” Julie inquired. “Where have you been?”
“Other side of the Alps,” Klunk managed to get out.
“Oh, no wonder,” Julie replied, and decided to educate the deprived soul. “See. This is a plate. Ever hear of a plate?”
“Plate?”
“Instead of eating off the table, or the ground, you eat off of a plate.”
“Uh,” Klunk said, with apparent understanding.
“Now, on the plate we put a flat piece of boiled dough, called plano,” Julius continued, lifting up the edge with his fork to demonstrate. “Then we put all kinds of goodies on top of it. In this case, a tomato, a piece of cheese, and basil leaves.”
“Uh-huh.” Klunk acknowledged.
“All you do is take a knife and fork,” Julius explained, picking the utensils up slowly, so Klunk wouldn’t mistake his intentions and send his head rolling the way of the great Augustus’s marble head. “Then you cut off a piece.” He went through the process and took a bite. “Ah, delicious! Sure you won’t have any?”
“Uh-huh,” Klunk said, holding his ground, and repeated with some effort, “Plano.”
“Excellent!” Julius exclaimed. “You'll be a true Roman in no time!”
“Klunk – a Roman?” the barbarian responded, visibly insulted, and raised his sword high above Julius. Then, unexpectedly, he brought the sword down on the plate and cut the plano right in half. “Now, what do you call it?” he was somehow able to ask.
Julius looked down at the two half-moons, and said, “I think I’ll call that one big agnolotti.” Then he took another sip of wine and smiled at Klunk.
Incensed at his inability to frighten Julius, he raised his sword again and whacked the plate three or four times. “What do you call it now?”
Julius examined it, and said, “This I’ll call lasagne.” With that, he took a bite and savored it.
Now furious, Klunk attacked the plate repeatedly, and demanded, “What do you call it now?”
Julius, despite his indifference to fate, was a bit shaken by all the clatter, and said, “I will name it linguine.”
Needless to say, Klunk swung his sword at the plate with an unprecedented volley of strokes. “What is it now?”
Julius examined the mishmash on his plate. By now, the plano was cut into thin strips, the tomato was diced, and the cheese was grated. After some deliberation, Julius announced, “You made what I will call spaghetti.” Still remaining remarkably calm, at least on the exterior, Julius took his fork and wound some spaghetti around it. Then he took a bite. “Delicious! And fun, too,” he told Klunk.
Enraged at his seemingly imperturbable true Roman, the barbarian now slashed at the contents of the plate until his arms were a veritable blur. Then, short of breath, he sighed, “Tell me what you name that.”
Julius looked closely at the mayhem in his plate. Now, the pasta was as thin as he could imagine it, and the tomato sauce, cheese, and basil were all mixed together. “It is so thin I think I will name it angel hair.”
Klunk became unexpectedly curious and bent toward Julius. “Angel hair? What for? You no angel. You fat Roman.”
Considering how finely the plano was now sliced, Julius could not imagine how much longer it could invite the attentions of Klunk and imagined that his own neck might well be the next object of the barbarian’s fury. Ever the clever Roman, he noticed that, as a result of Klunk’s exertion, his tummy was showing a bit.
Julie was, of course, also aware of the legendary weakness of the barbarian shield, as opposed to the metal shield that accounted for much of the impenetrability of the storied Roman phalanx.
So he pretended to move his knife toward the last remaining decent-size piece of tomato, saying, “No, my friend, I am not an angel.” With that, he quickly stabbed the somewhat exhausted Klunk, and added, “But you’re about to become one.”
Klunk looked down at his sudden, fatal wound with shock and fell to the ground with a thud. His head knocked the table and, if Julius’s hands weren’t so quick, the movement would have upset his glass of wine.
Leaning back and enjoying a sip, he said, “I think I’m gonna call all these things I discovered after my beautiful girlfriend, Pastina.” Then he rolled a bit on his fork and indulged in another mouthful, musing, “I just love Pastina.”
All the names Julius invented that day, with the undoubted help of the ill-fated barbarian Klunk, have come down through the centuries without alteration, except for the categorical appellation, which usage would eventually abbreviate to the more familiar word “pasta.”
Monday, December 21, 2009
Amazing Trivia Part 1
I admit it .. I LIKE trivia, though it serves no purpose for me since I can never remember any to bring up in conversation. But still, it is fun, so I've created this list of amazing trivia that I found to be absolutely riveting.
1. Snails can sleep up to 3 years.
Not so amazing actually since I managed to sleep thru 6 years of jr. high and high school. And when you think about it, what do snails have to do all their lives? Sure, they leave great slime trails and make excellent targets for salt shakers and little boys, but other than that there’s not much more to do but sleep after an exhausting run across a sidewalk.
2. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
Until I read this, I was convinced that there was an olive missing from my salad, yet no one would believe me. Now I am vindicated! I am now searching for proof that the airlines have taken one peanut from each bag .. I'll keep you posted.
3. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
After reading this, I realized that I know of many people with the same problem! But that’s an article about politicians I'm working on. For me, it's usually that my eyes are bigger than my stomach...
4. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Well, I'd like to see anyone keep this up long enough to actually lose 150 calories. Now that I think about it, I DON'T want to see...
5. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
This is completely understandable.. I mean, who wants to look at a duck with no pants on? Besides, I understand that it is the law for all birds to wear pants in the city limits of Finland.
6. If you pass gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
I tried to prove or disprove this, but two things stopped me ... I couldn't stand to look at a bowl of chili after the third day, and my girlfriend threatened to leave me ... although it was kinda hard to tell what she was really saying with that gas mask on.
7. In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
Now, this piece of trivia leaves A LOT to the imagination, which is probably a good thing. BUT, I would like to point out, you'd have to be pretty limber to get some on those hairs .. nuff said.
8. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
I know this trivia fact isn't true 'cause I've gone drinking with my ants several times and I've watched them fall over in several different directions... usually they tend to fall on my uncles though.
9. The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
I don't know about this fact ... I've seen several spiders at night and never once felt compelled to eat one. Though I hear that spider is tasty if barbequed correctly.
10. And now for our final fun trivia fact:
Some lions mate over 50 times a day... No wonder the females do all the work.
1. Snails can sleep up to 3 years.
Not so amazing actually since I managed to sleep thru 6 years of jr. high and high school. And when you think about it, what do snails have to do all their lives? Sure, they leave great slime trails and make excellent targets for salt shakers and little boys, but other than that there’s not much more to do but sleep after an exhausting run across a sidewalk.
2. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
Until I read this, I was convinced that there was an olive missing from my salad, yet no one would believe me. Now I am vindicated! I am now searching for proof that the airlines have taken one peanut from each bag .. I'll keep you posted.
3. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
After reading this, I realized that I know of many people with the same problem! But that’s an article about politicians I'm working on. For me, it's usually that my eyes are bigger than my stomach...
4. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Well, I'd like to see anyone keep this up long enough to actually lose 150 calories. Now that I think about it, I DON'T want to see...
5. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
This is completely understandable.. I mean, who wants to look at a duck with no pants on? Besides, I understand that it is the law for all birds to wear pants in the city limits of Finland.
6. If you pass gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
I tried to prove or disprove this, but two things stopped me ... I couldn't stand to look at a bowl of chili after the third day, and my girlfriend threatened to leave me ... although it was kinda hard to tell what she was really saying with that gas mask on.
7. In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
Now, this piece of trivia leaves A LOT to the imagination, which is probably a good thing. BUT, I would like to point out, you'd have to be pretty limber to get some on those hairs .. nuff said.
8. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
I know this trivia fact isn't true 'cause I've gone drinking with my ants several times and I've watched them fall over in several different directions... usually they tend to fall on my uncles though.
9. The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
I don't know about this fact ... I've seen several spiders at night and never once felt compelled to eat one. Though I hear that spider is tasty if barbequed correctly.
10. And now for our final fun trivia fact:
Some lions mate over 50 times a day... No wonder the females do all the work.
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