Here, I focus on a range of items and features that we use in life without giving them a second thought such as Coca Cola, body muscles and holding ones own breath. Though, most of these notes are not fundamentally necessary, they are such that you can use them for a good laugh, at a drinks party or for picking up women or men.
1) Coca-Cola: Did you know that its original colour was green?
2) Mohammed: Did you know that this is the most used name in the entire world?
3) Geographical Letters: Did you know that the name of each of the continents begins and concludes with the exact same alphabet? Do not believe that? Look up Asia, Europe, Africa, America, Antarctica and the rest.
4) Muscle Strength: Did you know that the strongest muscle in the entire body is that one which we use to lick a popsicle? Your tongue.
5) Credit Cards: In the United States, were you aware that each and every person has at least two credit cards?
6) An Antique Machine: The word for an old machine that was once used for writing letters and other documents is the largest word that one can make if they click only on a single row of their computer's keyboard: typewriter!
7) Blink: Men wink at women, but research has found out that the average woman blinks nearly two times more than the average man.
8) Suicide: Even though you might have wondered if it was possible, studies have discovered that it is impossible to kill oneself by simply holding in your breath.
9) Licking: However much you may try, you will never be able to lick your elbows.
10) Sneeze: Try sneezing. People will automatically answer you with a bless you greeting. Have you ever imagined why? Some say that this happens because a sneeze stops the functioning of the heart for a very tiny second.
11) The Blue Sky: Did you know that a pig, no matter how much they try, cannot look up into the sky?
12) Twisting Your Tongue: We have all dabbled with different tongue-twisters in our day. But do you know which is the toughest? Sixth sick sheiks sixth sheeps sick.
13) Ribs: Did you know that you should try not to sneeze too strongly. Why? A very powerful sneeze has the ability to cause a fracture in your ribcage. But, then again, if you try and withhold one, you stand the chance of breaking one of the many blood vessels in your neck or head. This could cause death.
14) Cards: Did you think that the Kings are all just random cards referring to random figures? No. Each one signifies a different king: Diamonds for Julius Caesar, Clubs for Alexander the Great, Spades for David and Hearts for Charlemagne.
15) And finally: Most everyone reading this (Caught You!) are trying to lick their elbows at this exact moment!
Conclusion: Most of these are not scientific facts, but they are hilarious, funny and can be used to lighten up the ambience when a conversation has gone dull. Use any and see your popularity rise up to great heights. Visit http://www.gambling-portal.com for more jokes.
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Laughter: Use It to Pick Up Women
Humour, some say, is the fruit of life, and this is especially true when it comes to picking up on a girl no matter where the location. Make them laugh, and I guarantee, that you are very close to getting their phone number and even to getting them to go out with you.
But, as we all know, making them laugh, is easier said than done. Precisely for those who find it difficult to come up with something funny to say, I am adding some funny anecdotes and wise cracks that you can memorize and then use in those situations where you need to get the girl in front of you to laugh.
1) The Prescription:
Did you hear of the lady, who walked into the pharmacist and asked for arsenic?
The man behind the counter asked in wonder, "What do you need that for?
The lady calmly replied," to kill my husband."
The pharmacist was taken aback," Are you crazy? Do you want to get us both into jail? And, anyway, why do you want to kill him? Go to a counselor. Get help for your marriage."
The lady paused and from her purse she removed a set of pictures of her husband and the wife of the pharmacist in some very creative postures.
The pharmacist looked at the snaps, put them down and smiled," lady, why did you not tell me that you have a prescription?"
2) The Tip Book
A wife calls out to her husband, "Have you seen the book, 101 Tips to Live for More Than a Hundred Years?
The husband sheepishly replies, "I burnt it."
"What?" the wife shouted out," why?"
The husband whispered back," Because your mother wanted to read it."
3) Range of Food
Looking at his wife fry meat balls in all kinds of shapes and sizes, Tom tapped her on the shoulder, "Why?"
His wife turned," Because you asked for a variety of food."
4) Mushrooms
Tom was picking mushrooms from the forest floor with his wife, when she picked up one and showed it to Tom," Is this for eating?"
Tom smiled," Yes. As long as you do not cook it."
5) Driving Around
Tom greeted his wife when she returned home," So, my dear, how was your first time driving all alone?"
His wife smiled coyly, "Do you want to hear it from me or read about it in the papers?
6) Drama
A couple are watching a film in their local theater when the wife snuggles close to her husband and points to the screen," Do you think that they will get married in the end?"
The husband sighs," Yes. These movies always have bad endings."
7) The Library
Tom visited the local library, walks up to the librarian and asks, "Do you know where I can find the book, the Supremacy of Men over Women?"
The librarian conducts a short search on the computer and looks up," you will be able to find it in the science fiction."
Conclusion:
While some of these might sound offensive, if you use them well you will be able to display not just a sense of humour, but also that you are exactly the opposite of the stereotype. How? Immediately, after you done, lean over and whisper, But I am not like that, and if you allow me to take you out, you will see that for yourself.
But, as we all know, making them laugh, is easier said than done. Precisely for those who find it difficult to come up with something funny to say, I am adding some funny anecdotes and wise cracks that you can memorize and then use in those situations where you need to get the girl in front of you to laugh.
1) The Prescription:
Did you hear of the lady, who walked into the pharmacist and asked for arsenic?
The man behind the counter asked in wonder, "What do you need that for?
The lady calmly replied," to kill my husband."
The pharmacist was taken aback," Are you crazy? Do you want to get us both into jail? And, anyway, why do you want to kill him? Go to a counselor. Get help for your marriage."
The lady paused and from her purse she removed a set of pictures of her husband and the wife of the pharmacist in some very creative postures.
The pharmacist looked at the snaps, put them down and smiled," lady, why did you not tell me that you have a prescription?"
2) The Tip Book
A wife calls out to her husband, "Have you seen the book, 101 Tips to Live for More Than a Hundred Years?
The husband sheepishly replies, "I burnt it."
"What?" the wife shouted out," why?"
The husband whispered back," Because your mother wanted to read it."
3) Range of Food
Looking at his wife fry meat balls in all kinds of shapes and sizes, Tom tapped her on the shoulder, "Why?"
His wife turned," Because you asked for a variety of food."
4) Mushrooms
Tom was picking mushrooms from the forest floor with his wife, when she picked up one and showed it to Tom," Is this for eating?"
Tom smiled," Yes. As long as you do not cook it."
5) Driving Around
Tom greeted his wife when she returned home," So, my dear, how was your first time driving all alone?"
His wife smiled coyly, "Do you want to hear it from me or read about it in the papers?
6) Drama
A couple are watching a film in their local theater when the wife snuggles close to her husband and points to the screen," Do you think that they will get married in the end?"
The husband sighs," Yes. These movies always have bad endings."
7) The Library
Tom visited the local library, walks up to the librarian and asks, "Do you know where I can find the book, the Supremacy of Men over Women?"
The librarian conducts a short search on the computer and looks up," you will be able to find it in the science fiction."
Conclusion:
While some of these might sound offensive, if you use them well you will be able to display not just a sense of humour, but also that you are exactly the opposite of the stereotype. How? Immediately, after you done, lean over and whisper, But I am not like that, and if you allow me to take you out, you will see that for yourself.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Are You Looking For Quality Comedy Entertainment?
Are you looking for quality comedy entertainment? Check out ComedySportz for a great show everyone in your family or group will love.
1. ComedySportz is funny improvisation played as a sport. It is excellent entertainment for people of all ages.
2. Two teams improvise while acting out scenes, games, and songs as they compete for points and laughes from the audience. There are referees who monitor play and the National Anthem is played before every game. The winning team is chosen by the audience who takes a vote.
3. ComedySportz is modeled after the comedy show, Theatersports by Keith Johnson. The comedy version was born in 1984 by Dick Chudnow.
4. You can find this comedy show in cities throughout the United States including: Spokane, Chicago, Indianapolis, Richmond, Dallas, and New York. They also do shows in the United Kingdom and Ireland.
5. Because this comedy show is clean, funny, interactive and positive it is a great show for the entire family.
6. ComedySportz performs well over 2000 shows on the road ever year. They do shows for colleges, corporate events, churches and fundraising groups.
7. Highly rated by everyone who sees one of their shows fans of ComedySportz rave about the quality of their shows.
8. Comedy is not the only service provided by ComedySportz. They also offer a variety of classes, workshops and seminars on teambuilding and communication skills. These workshops provide an opportunity to improve communication skills and teamwork in the workplace.
9. There are three levels of workshops. Level One seminars on improvisation include: trust, speed, status, accepting and conquering fears and basic scene making. These skills are learned through a games and various activities which require improvisation.
10. The next level workshop is level two. Once you have completed level one you can take a level two workshop. It is here you will learn ComedySportz games as well continued work on improvisational skills. There are even opportunities for level two students to perform. Level Three continues to build on these skills.
11. If you or your company is interested in having a seminar focused on learning communication and team work skills while also having a great time, ComedySportz can put one together for you.
ComedySportz offers comedy, fun, healthy competition and opportunities for self improvement.
1. ComedySportz is funny improvisation played as a sport. It is excellent entertainment for people of all ages.
2. Two teams improvise while acting out scenes, games, and songs as they compete for points and laughes from the audience. There are referees who monitor play and the National Anthem is played before every game. The winning team is chosen by the audience who takes a vote.
3. ComedySportz is modeled after the comedy show, Theatersports by Keith Johnson. The comedy version was born in 1984 by Dick Chudnow.
4. You can find this comedy show in cities throughout the United States including: Spokane, Chicago, Indianapolis, Richmond, Dallas, and New York. They also do shows in the United Kingdom and Ireland.
5. Because this comedy show is clean, funny, interactive and positive it is a great show for the entire family.
6. ComedySportz performs well over 2000 shows on the road ever year. They do shows for colleges, corporate events, churches and fundraising groups.
7. Highly rated by everyone who sees one of their shows fans of ComedySportz rave about the quality of their shows.
8. Comedy is not the only service provided by ComedySportz. They also offer a variety of classes, workshops and seminars on teambuilding and communication skills. These workshops provide an opportunity to improve communication skills and teamwork in the workplace.
9. There are three levels of workshops. Level One seminars on improvisation include: trust, speed, status, accepting and conquering fears and basic scene making. These skills are learned through a games and various activities which require improvisation.
10. The next level workshop is level two. Once you have completed level one you can take a level two workshop. It is here you will learn ComedySportz games as well continued work on improvisational skills. There are even opportunities for level two students to perform. Level Three continues to build on these skills.
11. If you or your company is interested in having a seminar focused on learning communication and team work skills while also having a great time, ComedySportz can put one together for you.
ComedySportz offers comedy, fun, healthy competition and opportunities for self improvement.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Infant Author Accused Of Plaigarism; Copied Sounds In Nursery
A newborn infant, who showed unusual promise in the hospital nursery in the modulation of her of coos and cries and was immediately swept from her mother’s arms to Harvard University, has now been disgraced as a mere plagiarist.
It seems that the infant, commissioned to write an original succession of coos and cries by a wily book packager, had listened, intentionally or not, to the coos and cries of her fellow newborns during her brief stay at the hospital.
Hapless child that she was, she could hardly do more than imitate their enchanting litany.
Now all has been uncovered and the infant is widely disgrace and currently inflicting unnecessary mortification on herself.
Along with the author’s disgrace with fortune and adult’s eyes, the once storied publishing company of Little Baby & Company, which optioned, not only one but two books of coos and cries from the infant, now has pabulum on its face.
To recuperate as much as possible from the catastrophic descent of its reputation, it has cancelled its contract with the babe, not only for a revised version of its present rendition of infant sounds, but for the second collection, for which, in its eagerness to make money even at the cost of its intellectual dignity, paid the newborn the sum of $700,000 for the expected twin bestsellers.
As usual, the rains of time will wash away the pabulum and the child, we hope, having one day realized the immensity of her transgression, will have the wisdom to attribute it to her preconscious state of relative unconsciousness and will go on to achieve whatever she may in the yet unknown possibilities of her post coos-and-cries intellectual development.
It seems that the infant, commissioned to write an original succession of coos and cries by a wily book packager, had listened, intentionally or not, to the coos and cries of her fellow newborns during her brief stay at the hospital.
Hapless child that she was, she could hardly do more than imitate their enchanting litany.
Now all has been uncovered and the infant is widely disgrace and currently inflicting unnecessary mortification on herself.
Along with the author’s disgrace with fortune and adult’s eyes, the once storied publishing company of Little Baby & Company, which optioned, not only one but two books of coos and cries from the infant, now has pabulum on its face.
To recuperate as much as possible from the catastrophic descent of its reputation, it has cancelled its contract with the babe, not only for a revised version of its present rendition of infant sounds, but for the second collection, for which, in its eagerness to make money even at the cost of its intellectual dignity, paid the newborn the sum of $700,000 for the expected twin bestsellers.
As usual, the rains of time will wash away the pabulum and the child, we hope, having one day realized the immensity of her transgression, will have the wisdom to attribute it to her preconscious state of relative unconsciousness and will go on to achieve whatever she may in the yet unknown possibilities of her post coos-and-cries intellectual development.
Gossip: What People Say About It
We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it. We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it.
What might one say under the influence of a confessional potion when asked, “Why do you always talk about other people?”
We imagined the reply, “Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself.”
Before we turn to the little basket of quotes we picked for you, we can also pass along a couple of our own consolations. One, it’s a lot better to be interesting enough to be talked about than to be the interested party who’s doing the talking. Two, gossip’s empty gambits take place in a playground, actually, on a seesaw. The child who delights to babble sees you way up there – the higher the better – and thinks that by putting you down he or she will put himself or herself up. Tada!
Now, we turn to what others have gossiped about it. It appears, not surprisingly, that brilliance has enlivened the subject only rarely.
“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.” George Bernard Shaw
“I know that’s a secret, for it’s whispered everywhere.” William Congreve
“They come together like the Coroner’s Inquest, to sit upon the murdered reputations of the week.” Congreve
“I hate to spread rumors, but what else can you do with them?” Amanda Lear
“If you haven’t got anything good to say about anyone come and sit by me.” Alice Roosevelt Longworth
“She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to squirt this mixture at all her friends.” Harold Nicolson
“I’m called away by particular business – but I leave my character behind me.” Richard Brinsley Sheridan
“Here is the whole set! A character dead at every word.” Same Sheridan
“There is only one thing in the world that is worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” Oscar Wilde
“A professional athlete – of the tongue.” Aldous Huxley
Social sewage.” George Meredith
“Foul whisperings.” William Shakespeare (Sometimes referrred to in gossip as Billy Wigglestick)
What might one say under the influence of a confessional potion when asked, “Why do you always talk about other people?”
We imagined the reply, “Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself.”
Before we turn to the little basket of quotes we picked for you, we can also pass along a couple of our own consolations. One, it’s a lot better to be interesting enough to be talked about than to be the interested party who’s doing the talking. Two, gossip’s empty gambits take place in a playground, actually, on a seesaw. The child who delights to babble sees you way up there – the higher the better – and thinks that by putting you down he or she will put himself or herself up. Tada!
Now, we turn to what others have gossiped about it. It appears, not surprisingly, that brilliance has enlivened the subject only rarely.
“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.” George Bernard Shaw
“I know that’s a secret, for it’s whispered everywhere.” William Congreve
“They come together like the Coroner’s Inquest, to sit upon the murdered reputations of the week.” Congreve
“I hate to spread rumors, but what else can you do with them?” Amanda Lear
“If you haven’t got anything good to say about anyone come and sit by me.” Alice Roosevelt Longworth
“She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to squirt this mixture at all her friends.” Harold Nicolson
“I’m called away by particular business – but I leave my character behind me.” Richard Brinsley Sheridan
“Here is the whole set! A character dead at every word.” Same Sheridan
“There is only one thing in the world that is worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” Oscar Wilde
“A professional athlete – of the tongue.” Aldous Huxley
Social sewage.” George Meredith
“Foul whisperings.” William Shakespeare (Sometimes referrred to in gossip as Billy Wigglestick)
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Why
Many articles supply answers, but here I do not. Here, I ask the questions. If you want to rack your brains for finding the answers to these life conundrums. But, I warn you. Beware. These are not easy, and though somewhat hilarious and funny, they are real and true to life.
Should I begin? Ok, here I go:
1) How come Tarzan has no bears even though he grows up with wolves in the jungle?
2) Why does glue not stick to the insides of the tube or can that it comes in?
3) Why do they use sterile injections when executing someone who is condemned to death?
4) Why do we press down harder and harder or the remote controls even though we know that the batteries are low?
5) Why is it that when someone hits us in the ankles with his supermarket trolley and then appologizes, do we say that everything is ok? I mean, things are not really fine. Why is it that we do not say that it hurts?
6) Why is it that whatever the color of the bath soap, the bubbles are always white?
7) Why is it that you will never find a day when mattresses are not on sale?
8) Why is it that online casinos always offer big prize money for their tournaments but never reveal the real name of the winner after the competition is over?
9) If human beings evolved from monkeys, why is it that there still are monkeys?
10) Why did the Japanese Kamikaze pilots wear helmets during the second World War?
11) Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest but, then, duck when the empty gun is thrown at him.
12) Why do banks charge a commission when you go into debt even though they know that there is no money in that account?
13) Why do people go back again and again to the refrigerator hoping that something new to eat will appear there?
14) Why do people move their vacuum cleaner over a thin thread lying on the floor, bend down, pick it up, examine it, and then, place it on the floor again and move the vacuum over it again?
15) Why do people believe it when they are told that there are more than four billion stars, but when they see a sign that says wet paint, they have to touch and check?
16) Why does a plastic bag not open at the end where you first try to open it?
17) Why do you never hear jokes about father in laws?
18) Why are there dead insects inside enclosed electric lamps?
19) Why is it that in winter we try and keep the house as warm as it was during the summer when back in the summer we hated the heat?
20) Why is it that every time you try and catch something that is about to fall off the table, you always hit something else and drop that instead?
Conclusion:
Life has many oddities and conundrums: some funny, some less. I have mentioned but a few. Think of more? Send them to me.
Should I begin? Ok, here I go:
1) How come Tarzan has no bears even though he grows up with wolves in the jungle?
2) Why does glue not stick to the insides of the tube or can that it comes in?
3) Why do they use sterile injections when executing someone who is condemned to death?
4) Why do we press down harder and harder or the remote controls even though we know that the batteries are low?
5) Why is it that when someone hits us in the ankles with his supermarket trolley and then appologizes, do we say that everything is ok? I mean, things are not really fine. Why is it that we do not say that it hurts?
6) Why is it that whatever the color of the bath soap, the bubbles are always white?
7) Why is it that you will never find a day when mattresses are not on sale?
8) Why is it that online casinos always offer big prize money for their tournaments but never reveal the real name of the winner after the competition is over?
9) If human beings evolved from monkeys, why is it that there still are monkeys?
10) Why did the Japanese Kamikaze pilots wear helmets during the second World War?
11) Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest but, then, duck when the empty gun is thrown at him.
12) Why do banks charge a commission when you go into debt even though they know that there is no money in that account?
13) Why do people go back again and again to the refrigerator hoping that something new to eat will appear there?
14) Why do people move their vacuum cleaner over a thin thread lying on the floor, bend down, pick it up, examine it, and then, place it on the floor again and move the vacuum over it again?
15) Why do people believe it when they are told that there are more than four billion stars, but when they see a sign that says wet paint, they have to touch and check?
16) Why does a plastic bag not open at the end where you first try to open it?
17) Why do you never hear jokes about father in laws?
18) Why are there dead insects inside enclosed electric lamps?
19) Why is it that in winter we try and keep the house as warm as it was during the summer when back in the summer we hated the heat?
20) Why is it that every time you try and catch something that is about to fall off the table, you always hit something else and drop that instead?
Conclusion:
Life has many oddities and conundrums: some funny, some less. I have mentioned but a few. Think of more? Send them to me.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Travel Jokes
Traveling can be a humbling experience, particularly when you travel to a foreign country. Such experiences, of course, give rise to travel jokes.
Travel Jokes
1. Three brothers are sitting at the bar in a Moscow establishment. An older man is sitting at a table behind them and has obviously had too much vodka. He stands, walks up to the first brother and says,
“Your mother is a vicious, greedy woman!”
The brother tells him to shut up and go sit down.
After about 5 minutes, the old man stands and walks up to the second brother,
“I sleep with your mother whenever I want!”
Disgusted, the brother tells the old man to bugger off.
A few minutes later, the old man stands and starts walking towards the third brother. All three brothers turn around and yell,
“Dad, go home!”
2. You’re at a bad hotel when the bed mint moves.
3. “Visi, Vermini, Vomnui” – I visited, I freaked, I threw up.
4. The President’s Vacation
George and Laura Bush take a vacation to Crawford and decide to go the grocery store. In the checkout line, Laura recognizes the man working at the register as an old high school boyfriend. After chatting, they leave the store and George says,
“Wow, imagine if you had married him. You’d be married to a grocery store clerk now instead of the President of the United States.”
Laura rolls her eyes and says, “No. I’d be married to the President of the United States.”
5. “Veni, Veneri, Vamoosi” – I came, I caught a disease, I ran away.”
Typically, just the act of traveling produces more than a few funny moments. Get out there and go.
Travel Jokes
1. Three brothers are sitting at the bar in a Moscow establishment. An older man is sitting at a table behind them and has obviously had too much vodka. He stands, walks up to the first brother and says,
“Your mother is a vicious, greedy woman!”
The brother tells him to shut up and go sit down.
After about 5 minutes, the old man stands and walks up to the second brother,
“I sleep with your mother whenever I want!”
Disgusted, the brother tells the old man to bugger off.
A few minutes later, the old man stands and starts walking towards the third brother. All three brothers turn around and yell,
“Dad, go home!”
2. You’re at a bad hotel when the bed mint moves.
3. “Visi, Vermini, Vomnui” – I visited, I freaked, I threw up.
4. The President’s Vacation
George and Laura Bush take a vacation to Crawford and decide to go the grocery store. In the checkout line, Laura recognizes the man working at the register as an old high school boyfriend. After chatting, they leave the store and George says,
“Wow, imagine if you had married him. You’d be married to a grocery store clerk now instead of the President of the United States.”
Laura rolls her eyes and says, “No. I’d be married to the President of the United States.”
5. “Veni, Veneri, Vamoosi” – I came, I caught a disease, I ran away.”
Typically, just the act of traveling produces more than a few funny moments. Get out there and go.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Surgeon General Uncertain About What Hospital To Check His Grandmother Into
The Surgeon General, after reading the results of a recent report about the alarming number of fatalities in U. S. hospitals that are due to preventable human error, was uncertain about what hospital to check his grandmother into when he learned that she was suffering from shortness of breath.
He decided the time had come from decisive government action. As a result, all hospitals must now display at the registration desk the following warning: "The Surgeon General has determined that hospitals may be hazardous to your health and may result in accidental death."
The American Civil Liberties Union is protesting the necessity of posting the warning, maintaining it infringes on the right of hospitals to conduct their business with the normal expectation that a certain number of patients will live and a certain number will leave in a less vital condition.
A spokesman for the ACLU stated, "This is clearly an infringement of the right to free enterprise. Hospitals should be entirely free to inform patients they can expect excellent healthcare, even if the spokesperson is not certain the institution can provide it. Compelling hospitals to be forthright about the prospects for survival unnecessarily infringes on their right to misinform patients."
Commenting on the issue, Chief Justice John Roberts said, "I can't comment because I could get appendicitis at any time, and I certainly wouldn't want the hospital to suspect I may not, should I survive the operation, act in its best interest."
In an effort to bolster the government's case, the FDA plans to establish a task force composed of hospital inspectors who will impersonate patients. At the end of a one year trial, a determination will be made of how many are still alive. Further action will be based on the tally
He decided the time had come from decisive government action. As a result, all hospitals must now display at the registration desk the following warning: "The Surgeon General has determined that hospitals may be hazardous to your health and may result in accidental death."
The American Civil Liberties Union is protesting the necessity of posting the warning, maintaining it infringes on the right of hospitals to conduct their business with the normal expectation that a certain number of patients will live and a certain number will leave in a less vital condition.
A spokesman for the ACLU stated, "This is clearly an infringement of the right to free enterprise. Hospitals should be entirely free to inform patients they can expect excellent healthcare, even if the spokesperson is not certain the institution can provide it. Compelling hospitals to be forthright about the prospects for survival unnecessarily infringes on their right to misinform patients."
Commenting on the issue, Chief Justice John Roberts said, "I can't comment because I could get appendicitis at any time, and I certainly wouldn't want the hospital to suspect I may not, should I survive the operation, act in its best interest."
In an effort to bolster the government's case, the FDA plans to establish a task force composed of hospital inspectors who will impersonate patients. At the end of a one year trial, a determination will be made of how many are still alive. Further action will be based on the tally
Living Humour: Squeezing the Juice from Life
Rammy JohnsonFacts, oddities, incidental details: these are only some of the few things I examine in the following twenty features I have come up with concerning life and all its intricacies. Some will make you laugh, others will make you scratch your chin, but whatever your behaviour, each and every one of these twenty or so queries.
1) How come when you close a glue cap the glue sticks but this same paste does not stick to the sides of the glue tube?
2 ) Academic research has detailed reports stating that from a group of four men or women one will most certainly have a mental ailment of some kind or the other. Think about this calculation: if you have three normal friends, then you, unfortunately are the fourth one out. In other words, the fourth person with a mental illness is none other than you.
3) Why do we press down hard on the remote control even though we know that the batteries are weak.
4) Supposedly the man from the jungle lives in the jungle, yes? Then, how and where did his beard disappear to?
5) Switched those bulbs that are enclosed in tight plastic shutters? Have you noticed that whenever you go to do that there are always dead bugs inside? How did they manage to get there?
6) Still use plastic bags instead of the more nature-friendly paper ones? Ok. Then, pray tell, why can't I ever manage to open one on my 1st attempt?
7) Why, pray tell, do doctors just about to inject a prisoner with a lethal injection check that the needle is sterilized?
8) Have you noticed that if your bank account gets overdrawn, your bank will add an extra charge? Why do they do that? Should you maybe inform them that the reason your checkings account is overdrawn is because you don't have money?
9) Why don't we ever hear jokes about father-in-laws?
10) If people run into a sign near a park bench saying that the paint is wet, every one will touch it to check. If this is so, why don't these same folk verify the star count of around four billion stars so stated according to various scientists?
11) How many times will be keep coming back and opening the door to the fridge when we are hungry? Do we really think that food will appear there miraculously?
12) Notice how bullets bounce off superman's chests, but the moment the villain throws the empty revolver, this same invincible superman ducks. Shouldn't the revolver bounce off his chest too?
13) I'm sure you've heard of the evolutionary claim that mankind has evolved from monkeys. Before I am to believe this, I want to know that if this is so why are monkeys still roaming earth?
14) Why is it that when we try to catch something that is falling off a table, our hand knocks down something else?
15) Heard of the Jap airplane pilots who towards the end of the Second World War crashed their planes into American naval ships? Why did these guys even think of wearing a helmet?
16) Why do people move a vacuum cleaner over a small piece of thread again and again. Why do we pick it up, examine it and then place it back down and move the vacuum cleaner over it to give it a second chance?
17) A visit to one of the many soap shops that have sprung up all over and you'll find that soaps come in all kinds of colours. But then, why does the bubbles always turn out white?
18) Is it winter or summer wherever you are right now? Have you noticed that if it is summer we try and make the house as cold as it would be during winter, and if it is winter, we try and make the house as hot as it would during summer?
19) Is there any day when mattresses are not on sale?
20) Isn't it silly that when if wandering through one of the large shopping malls someone doesn't pay attention and the cart they are pushing smacks into your toes, and then they say sorry, all we can think of saying is that no harm was done while your toe is aching.
Note:
Uncanny facts and features are not novel. The fact that we humans have strange habits is not new too. But, I have pointed out some of the few irregularities that we live with. This article is for entertainment purposes alone and doesn't try and offend or create new realities. So, take it in the appropriate manner too.
1) How come when you close a glue cap the glue sticks but this same paste does not stick to the sides of the glue tube?
2 ) Academic research has detailed reports stating that from a group of four men or women one will most certainly have a mental ailment of some kind or the other. Think about this calculation: if you have three normal friends, then you, unfortunately are the fourth one out. In other words, the fourth person with a mental illness is none other than you.
3) Why do we press down hard on the remote control even though we know that the batteries are weak.
4) Supposedly the man from the jungle lives in the jungle, yes? Then, how and where did his beard disappear to?
5) Switched those bulbs that are enclosed in tight plastic shutters? Have you noticed that whenever you go to do that there are always dead bugs inside? How did they manage to get there?
6) Still use plastic bags instead of the more nature-friendly paper ones? Ok. Then, pray tell, why can't I ever manage to open one on my 1st attempt?
7) Why, pray tell, do doctors just about to inject a prisoner with a lethal injection check that the needle is sterilized?
8) Have you noticed that if your bank account gets overdrawn, your bank will add an extra charge? Why do they do that? Should you maybe inform them that the reason your checkings account is overdrawn is because you don't have money?
9) Why don't we ever hear jokes about father-in-laws?
10) If people run into a sign near a park bench saying that the paint is wet, every one will touch it to check. If this is so, why don't these same folk verify the star count of around four billion stars so stated according to various scientists?
11) How many times will be keep coming back and opening the door to the fridge when we are hungry? Do we really think that food will appear there miraculously?
12) Notice how bullets bounce off superman's chests, but the moment the villain throws the empty revolver, this same invincible superman ducks. Shouldn't the revolver bounce off his chest too?
13) I'm sure you've heard of the evolutionary claim that mankind has evolved from monkeys. Before I am to believe this, I want to know that if this is so why are monkeys still roaming earth?
14) Why is it that when we try to catch something that is falling off a table, our hand knocks down something else?
15) Heard of the Jap airplane pilots who towards the end of the Second World War crashed their planes into American naval ships? Why did these guys even think of wearing a helmet?
16) Why do people move a vacuum cleaner over a small piece of thread again and again. Why do we pick it up, examine it and then place it back down and move the vacuum cleaner over it to give it a second chance?
17) A visit to one of the many soap shops that have sprung up all over and you'll find that soaps come in all kinds of colours. But then, why does the bubbles always turn out white?
18) Is it winter or summer wherever you are right now? Have you noticed that if it is summer we try and make the house as cold as it would be during winter, and if it is winter, we try and make the house as hot as it would during summer?
19) Is there any day when mattresses are not on sale?
20) Isn't it silly that when if wandering through one of the large shopping malls someone doesn't pay attention and the cart they are pushing smacks into your toes, and then they say sorry, all we can think of saying is that no harm was done while your toe is aching.
Note:
Uncanny facts and features are not novel. The fact that we humans have strange habits is not new too. But, I have pointed out some of the few irregularities that we live with. This article is for entertainment purposes alone and doesn't try and offend or create new realities. So, take it in the appropriate manner too.
Jokes, The World's Best Medicine
What were the last jokes that made you roll around on the floor because you were laughing so hard? Did it involve a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer? Was it on a TV show, or part of a stand-up comedy routine, or part of a recent lecture? In any event, do you remember how it made you feel?
More likely than not you can remember the last time, and if you took a minute you could probably tell me the jokes, and it probably made your day. It either gave you relief from the stress of taking your self or what you were doing so seriously, or it took your mind off of something that was causing you grief, or it just livened up an otherwise boring talk. Probably most importantly though, it allowed you to laugh which as we all know is "the world's best medicine."
But have you ever thought more about why this was so? Is there actually something about jokes and the resulting laughter that can change our health in a beneficial way? What is it about laughter that we love so much? Why are comedies so popular? Why is there such a thing as comic relief and why is it so effective--even in the most serious of plays or dramas? Well you shouldn't be surprised to find out that scientists have been studying it but you may be surprised to find out that there is actually something about laughter that affects us more profoundly than we think.
Basically there is good evidence now that laughter produced by jokes can change the chemical milieu that courses through our body on a second to second basis, and in profound degree. Laughter releases natural endorphins that act on the same receptors as morphine that produce the feelings of relaxation and heightened mood. Levels of Dopamine, serotonin, and Nor- epinephrine are altered as well that produce endogenous anti- depressant effect.
Researchers then wondered about what action in particular was producing these changes--was it smiling, or the physical changes that take place in rate of breathing, in blood pressure, increased heart rate, etc. What they found was (as usual) that it most likely was a combination of physical changes in the body that occur with laughter. Each one of these changes by it self produced small effects but together were synergistic in producing these stress relieving, and mood improving results. It was interesting to note that spontaneous laughter was better than self produced laughs but not by as large a difference than you might think. Also merely smiling produced significant changes in the blood chemistry. So basically tell someone jokes, smile more, and laugh even if you have to fake it--it does the body good!
More likely than not you can remember the last time, and if you took a minute you could probably tell me the jokes, and it probably made your day. It either gave you relief from the stress of taking your self or what you were doing so seriously, or it took your mind off of something that was causing you grief, or it just livened up an otherwise boring talk. Probably most importantly though, it allowed you to laugh which as we all know is "the world's best medicine."
But have you ever thought more about why this was so? Is there actually something about jokes and the resulting laughter that can change our health in a beneficial way? What is it about laughter that we love so much? Why are comedies so popular? Why is there such a thing as comic relief and why is it so effective--even in the most serious of plays or dramas? Well you shouldn't be surprised to find out that scientists have been studying it but you may be surprised to find out that there is actually something about laughter that affects us more profoundly than we think.
Basically there is good evidence now that laughter produced by jokes can change the chemical milieu that courses through our body on a second to second basis, and in profound degree. Laughter releases natural endorphins that act on the same receptors as morphine that produce the feelings of relaxation and heightened mood. Levels of Dopamine, serotonin, and Nor- epinephrine are altered as well that produce endogenous anti- depressant effect.
Researchers then wondered about what action in particular was producing these changes--was it smiling, or the physical changes that take place in rate of breathing, in blood pressure, increased heart rate, etc. What they found was (as usual) that it most likely was a combination of physical changes in the body that occur with laughter. Each one of these changes by it self produced small effects but together were synergistic in producing these stress relieving, and mood improving results. It was interesting to note that spontaneous laughter was better than self produced laughs but not by as large a difference than you might think. Also merely smiling produced significant changes in the blood chemistry. So basically tell someone jokes, smile more, and laugh even if you have to fake it--it does the body good!
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