What exactly is polyamory?
First of all, polyamory is nothing to do with parrots.
The word ‘polyamory’ is based on the Latin and Greek words for ‘many’ and ‘loves’. Polyamory means having more than just yourself and your partner in your relationship. With polyamory, everyone involved in the relationship knows about it and is happy with the arrangement.
Don’t confuse it with Polygymy, when a man has several wives (he usually sees them as ‘possessions’) but the women are only allowed the one husband. If you’re brought up in a culture where this is the norm, there isn’t much you can do to change it. But if not, it must seem like a very odd concept!
How does polyamory differ from swinging?
Polyamorists claim to enjoy a range of partners but rather than just having sex with them (like swingers do), they share ‘deep emotional bonds’ with them. The thing is, it is hard to prove if you are shagging someone because you enjoy it or whether you have a ‘deep emotional bond’ with them. After all, bonds like that don’t develop overnight. If you tell your wife you have been shagging that blonde who works in the supermarket but it is all right because ‘you are a polyamorist and you have a deep emotional bond with her’, you still ought to expect a frying pan to come hurtling towards your head in a matter of seconds.
Polyamory as a lifestyle
Picture this – you live with your wife and two kids and you decide you want to take another sexual partner. You explain the concept of polyamory to your wife (just so she can’t accuse you of cheating behind her back). After dodging the frying pan, you suggest moving the other woman into the house and thereby forming a loving threesome. Everything will be out in the open and you will love your wife and the other woman equally. How does that sound? Hey, maybe the other woman can do half the housework.
Frying pans speak louder than words and your wife also wonders what your children will make of it, especially when their friends find out and tease them. Children can be extremely cruel. If your wife has any interest in involving another sexual partner (or partners) in your relationship, she might suggest a swingers’ club. That way, the children have a nice evening in with a babysitter or their Gran and you get to have adult fun somewhere away from the family home.
Alternatively, your wife might hate the whole idea, hurl something else at you, call you a lousy cheat and pack her bags (or more likely – yours).
A very risky arrangement
I am not saying that polyamory is a bad idea for everyone. In fact there do exist polyamorous relationships which seem to work, with nobody in the relationship feeling jealous and everyone being happy. For most people though, inviting more people into a relationship is asking for trouble. An evening swinging is a temporary way to have fun and meet other, likeminded people. Making it a permanent arrangement and bringing love into the equation is asking for disaster.
Many polyamorists tend to think they are better than swingers but swingers are just being honest about what they want. Swingers want sexual interaction and they make that perfectly clear by visiting swinging clubs, placing ads for swingers to visit them at home or even using cam to cam online swinging. Some people like to have sex with their partner in the same room as another couple having sex and this is a type of swinging even if there is little or no physical contact apart from between your own partner and yourself.
Just an excuse
I would go as far as to say that polyamorists are ‘making an excuse’ for their behaviour. They are not just having sex because they are horny and want sex but there is love involved, which they say makes it a superior lifestyle. There is nothing wrong with swinging if that is what both people in the relationship wants to do but adding emotions to the equation is a very risky thing to do. You are not swinging any more, ie having fun and playing then going home with your partner. You are forming complicated love triangles and will always be worried that your partner will prefer one of his or her other partners and ultimately leave you for them
Most polyamorists use the term because they don’t want to admit they like to swing or because they are cheating on their partner and don’t want her to find out about it and leave him. The term polyamory actually means that both parties in the relationship approve of having sex with people outside the relationship so this is a contradiction in terms. A polyamorist wants his cake and wants to eat it too and thinks that just because the term polyamory exists, he has to use it.
If you want sexual experiences with other people, why not just be open about it? You can visit webcam sites such as I’mLive which have 948 swinging couples ready and willing for action. Or how about CamContacts where there are a massive 1787 registered couples who want to swing with you? You can chat for free on many webcam sites to see if you like the people first and don’t say there aren’t a lot to choose from!
Polyamory doesn’t make sense
If polyamory is about deep emotional bonds rather than just having sex for fun, this doesn’t make sense. Why? Because to form a deep emotional bond, you have to know the person very well. If you get to know someone that well and then have sex with them, this is cheating! If you have sex with them before developing a bond, this is technically swinging (and cheating if your wife doesn’t approve or know about it).
I would just say this – don’t label yourself a polyamorist. Be honest and admit that you like to swing. There are millions of other people who like it too so it’s nothing to be ashamed of. And you certainly don’t have to think up other names to disguise it like ‘polyamory’ – just swing away and enjoy the experiences!