Passover, or Pesach as it is called in Hebrew, is the 8 day festival where the Jews celebrate their liberation from Egypt more than a thousand years ago. One of the most important features of this freedom festival is that the Jews cannot eat anything that is leavened. They eat unleavened bread.
They must also make sure that no bread crumbs exist in or around the house: the cupboards, the drawers, the kitchen, behind the bed, under the refrigerator and anywhere else where crumbs might have fallen through. To ensure that the house is clean of leavened food materials, the Jews have to clean the entire house from top to bottom as thoroughly as possible. And they do. During the week before Passover, house cleaning is what goes on in most Jewish houses. To answer this demand and to ease the tension, here is a joke on this subject called Impossible Timing, which highlights this cleaning tension.
Impossible Timing:
Samuel, an observant Jew, who was also a financial wizard, left Brooklyn to accept the position of Vice President in a famous broker firm in Utah, which is well known for being a Mormon state.
When they learned this, the company's directorate applied tremendous pressure on the company's president. "We are religious people here," they said. "It can't be that a Jew will handle all our money."
The president tried to ward them off, but when he couldn't manage it anymore, he called Samuel to his office and explained the situation to him. Samuel was offered the choice of either converting or leaving the attractive job which also had a six figure salary quote attached to it.
Samuel had no choice but to convert, and he went home and told his wife that from Sunday, they will start attending the Church services.
A few months went by and his wife kept troubling Samuel about the conversion. "This is too difficult for me. I miss the Sabbath: lighting candles and blessing the wine. I miss the holidays. Money is not everything, Samuel dear."
And with each time that his wife complained, Samuel's conscience increased until he could not take it anymore and he went to meet the company's President.
"Look, I can't go on like this," Samuel said. "I am full of regret. Money is not everything. I can't sleep and neither can my wife. This is too heavy a burden for me to carry. I was born a Jew and I want to die a Jew. And if you want me to quit, I will without making any trouble."
The President looked at him in wonder, "Listen, Samuel, I had no idea that this was so difficult for you. I thought it was a trivial matter. But you don't have to leave. Everything will be the same as before: you can stay here with us without converting.
Samuel returned home happy and grinning from ear to ear. He ran to his wife, who was watching Ricky Lake, "You won't believe it! It's a miracle. We are going back to being Jews, and I still retain my job."
His wife looked at him with eyes that spat fire, and said," Are you mad?"
Samuel was shocked. "But I thought that this is what you wanted!" He cut in. "All this while you have been crying and complaining. Don't you wish to go back to becoming a Jew""
His wife looked at him with ever more fury, "Of course I want to. Of course I want to," she said. "But now? Only a week before Passover?"
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Party Jokes: Startling But Unnecessary
Here, I focus on a range of items and features that we use in life without giving them a second thought such as Coca Cola, body muscles and holding ones own breath. Though, most of these notes are not fundamentally necessary, they are such that you can use them for a good laugh, at a drinks party or for picking up women or men.
1) Coca-Cola: Did you know that its original colour was green?
2) Mohammed: Did you know that this is the most used name in the entire world?
3) Geographical Letters: Did you know that the name of each of the continents begins and concludes with the exact same alphabet? Do not believe that? Look up Asia, Europe, Africa, America, Antarctica and the rest.
4) Muscle Strength: Did you know that the strongest muscle in the entire body is that one which we use to lick a popsicle? Your tongue.
5) Credit Cards: In the United States, were you aware that each and every person has at least two credit cards?
6) An Antique Machine: The word for an old machine that was once used for writing letters and other documents is the largest word that one can make if they click only on a single row of their computer's keyboard: typewriter!
7) Blink: Men wink at women, but research has found out that the average woman blinks nearly two times more than the average man.
8) Suicide: Even though you might have wondered if it was possible, studies have discovered that it is impossible to kill oneself by simply holding in your breath.
9) Licking: However much you may try, you will never be able to lick your elbows.
10) Sneeze: Try sneezing. People will automatically answer you with a bless you greeting. Have you ever imagined why? Some say that this happens because a sneeze stops the functioning of the heart for a very tiny second.
11) The Blue Sky: Did you know that a pig, no matter how much they try, cannot look up into the sky?
12) Twisting Your Tongue: We have all dabbled with different tongue-twisters in our day. But do you know which is the toughest? Sixth sick sheiks sixth sheeps sick.
13) Ribs: Did you know that you should try not to sneeze too strongly. Why? A very powerful sneeze has the ability to cause a fracture in your ribcage. But, then again, if you try and withhold one, you stand the chance of breaking one of the many blood vessels in your neck or head. This could cause death.
14) Cards: Did you think that the Kings are all just random cards referring to random figures? No. Each one signifies a different king: Diamonds for Julius Caesar, Clubs for Alexander the Great, Spades for David and Hearts for Charlemagne.
15) And finally: Most everyone reading this (Caught You!) are trying to lick their elbows at this exact moment!
Conclusion: Most of these are not scientific facts, but they are hilarious, funny and can be used to lighten up the ambience when a conversation has gone dull. Use any and see your popularity rise up to great heights. Visit http://www.gambling-portal.com for more jokes.
1) Coca-Cola: Did you know that its original colour was green?
2) Mohammed: Did you know that this is the most used name in the entire world?
3) Geographical Letters: Did you know that the name of each of the continents begins and concludes with the exact same alphabet? Do not believe that? Look up Asia, Europe, Africa, America, Antarctica and the rest.
4) Muscle Strength: Did you know that the strongest muscle in the entire body is that one which we use to lick a popsicle? Your tongue.
5) Credit Cards: In the United States, were you aware that each and every person has at least two credit cards?
6) An Antique Machine: The word for an old machine that was once used for writing letters and other documents is the largest word that one can make if they click only on a single row of their computer's keyboard: typewriter!
7) Blink: Men wink at women, but research has found out that the average woman blinks nearly two times more than the average man.
8) Suicide: Even though you might have wondered if it was possible, studies have discovered that it is impossible to kill oneself by simply holding in your breath.
9) Licking: However much you may try, you will never be able to lick your elbows.
10) Sneeze: Try sneezing. People will automatically answer you with a bless you greeting. Have you ever imagined why? Some say that this happens because a sneeze stops the functioning of the heart for a very tiny second.
11) The Blue Sky: Did you know that a pig, no matter how much they try, cannot look up into the sky?
12) Twisting Your Tongue: We have all dabbled with different tongue-twisters in our day. But do you know which is the toughest? Sixth sick sheiks sixth sheeps sick.
13) Ribs: Did you know that you should try not to sneeze too strongly. Why? A very powerful sneeze has the ability to cause a fracture in your ribcage. But, then again, if you try and withhold one, you stand the chance of breaking one of the many blood vessels in your neck or head. This could cause death.
14) Cards: Did you think that the Kings are all just random cards referring to random figures? No. Each one signifies a different king: Diamonds for Julius Caesar, Clubs for Alexander the Great, Spades for David and Hearts for Charlemagne.
15) And finally: Most everyone reading this (Caught You!) are trying to lick their elbows at this exact moment!
Conclusion: Most of these are not scientific facts, but they are hilarious, funny and can be used to lighten up the ambience when a conversation has gone dull. Use any and see your popularity rise up to great heights. Visit http://www.gambling-portal.com for more jokes.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Laughter: Use It to Pick Up Women
Humour, some say, is the fruit of life, and this is especially true when it comes to picking up on a girl no matter where the location. Make them laugh, and I guarantee, that you are very close to getting their phone number and even to getting them to go out with you.
But, as we all know, making them laugh, is easier said than done. Precisely for those who find it difficult to come up with something funny to say, I am adding some funny anecdotes and wise cracks that you can memorize and then use in those situations where you need to get the girl in front of you to laugh.
1) The Prescription:
Did you hear of the lady, who walked into the pharmacist and asked for arsenic?
The man behind the counter asked in wonder, "What do you need that for?
The lady calmly replied," to kill my husband."
The pharmacist was taken aback," Are you crazy? Do you want to get us both into jail? And, anyway, why do you want to kill him? Go to a counselor. Get help for your marriage."
The lady paused and from her purse she removed a set of pictures of her husband and the wife of the pharmacist in some very creative postures.
The pharmacist looked at the snaps, put them down and smiled," lady, why did you not tell me that you have a prescription?"
2) The Tip Book
A wife calls out to her husband, "Have you seen the book, 101 Tips to Live for More Than a Hundred Years?
The husband sheepishly replies, "I burnt it."
"What?" the wife shouted out," why?"
The husband whispered back," Because your mother wanted to read it."
3) Range of Food
Looking at his wife fry meat balls in all kinds of shapes and sizes, Tom tapped her on the shoulder, "Why?"
His wife turned," Because you asked for a variety of food."
4) Mushrooms
Tom was picking mushrooms from the forest floor with his wife, when she picked up one and showed it to Tom," Is this for eating?"
Tom smiled," Yes. As long as you do not cook it."
5) Driving Around
Tom greeted his wife when she returned home," So, my dear, how was your first time driving all alone?"
His wife smiled coyly, "Do you want to hear it from me or read about it in the papers?
6) Drama
A couple are watching a film in their local theater when the wife snuggles close to her husband and points to the screen," Do you think that they will get married in the end?"
The husband sighs," Yes. These movies always have bad endings."
7) The Library
Tom visited the local library, walks up to the librarian and asks, "Do you know where I can find the book, the Supremacy of Men over Women?"
The librarian conducts a short search on the computer and looks up," you will be able to find it in the science fiction."
Conclusion:
While some of these might sound offensive, if you use them well you will be able to display not just a sense of humour, but also that you are exactly the opposite of the stereotype. How? Immediately, after you done, lean over and whisper, But I am not like that, and if you allow me to take you out, you will see that for yourself.
But, as we all know, making them laugh, is easier said than done. Precisely for those who find it difficult to come up with something funny to say, I am adding some funny anecdotes and wise cracks that you can memorize and then use in those situations where you need to get the girl in front of you to laugh.
1) The Prescription:
Did you hear of the lady, who walked into the pharmacist and asked for arsenic?
The man behind the counter asked in wonder, "What do you need that for?
The lady calmly replied," to kill my husband."
The pharmacist was taken aback," Are you crazy? Do you want to get us both into jail? And, anyway, why do you want to kill him? Go to a counselor. Get help for your marriage."
The lady paused and from her purse she removed a set of pictures of her husband and the wife of the pharmacist in some very creative postures.
The pharmacist looked at the snaps, put them down and smiled," lady, why did you not tell me that you have a prescription?"
2) The Tip Book
A wife calls out to her husband, "Have you seen the book, 101 Tips to Live for More Than a Hundred Years?
The husband sheepishly replies, "I burnt it."
"What?" the wife shouted out," why?"
The husband whispered back," Because your mother wanted to read it."
3) Range of Food
Looking at his wife fry meat balls in all kinds of shapes and sizes, Tom tapped her on the shoulder, "Why?"
His wife turned," Because you asked for a variety of food."
4) Mushrooms
Tom was picking mushrooms from the forest floor with his wife, when she picked up one and showed it to Tom," Is this for eating?"
Tom smiled," Yes. As long as you do not cook it."
5) Driving Around
Tom greeted his wife when she returned home," So, my dear, how was your first time driving all alone?"
His wife smiled coyly, "Do you want to hear it from me or read about it in the papers?
6) Drama
A couple are watching a film in their local theater when the wife snuggles close to her husband and points to the screen," Do you think that they will get married in the end?"
The husband sighs," Yes. These movies always have bad endings."
7) The Library
Tom visited the local library, walks up to the librarian and asks, "Do you know where I can find the book, the Supremacy of Men over Women?"
The librarian conducts a short search on the computer and looks up," you will be able to find it in the science fiction."
Conclusion:
While some of these might sound offensive, if you use them well you will be able to display not just a sense of humour, but also that you are exactly the opposite of the stereotype. How? Immediately, after you done, lean over and whisper, But I am not like that, and if you allow me to take you out, you will see that for yourself.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Why
Many articles supply answers, but here I do not. Here, I ask the questions. If you want to rack your brains for finding the answers to these life conundrums. But, I warn you. Beware. These are not easy, and though somewhat hilarious and funny, they are real and true to life.
Should I begin? Ok, here I go:
1) How come Tarzan has no bears even though he grows up with wolves in the jungle?
2) Why does glue not stick to the insides of the tube or can that it comes in?
3) Why do they use sterile injections when executing someone who is condemned to death?
4) Why do we press down harder and harder or the remote controls even though we know that the batteries are low?
5) Why is it that when someone hits us in the ankles with his supermarket trolley and then appologizes, do we say that everything is ok? I mean, things are not really fine. Why is it that we do not say that it hurts?
6) Why is it that whatever the color of the bath soap, the bubbles are always white?
7) Why is it that you will never find a day when mattresses are not on sale?
8) Why is it that online casinos always offer big prize money for their tournaments but never reveal the real name of the winner after the competition is over?
9) If human beings evolved from monkeys, why is it that there still are monkeys?
10) Why did the Japanese Kamikaze pilots wear helmets during the second World War?
11) Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest but, then, duck when the empty gun is thrown at him.
12) Why do banks charge a commission when you go into debt even though they know that there is no money in that account?
13) Why do people go back again and again to the refrigerator hoping that something new to eat will appear there?
14) Why do people move their vacuum cleaner over a thin thread lying on the floor, bend down, pick it up, examine it, and then, place it on the floor again and move the vacuum over it again?
15) Why do people believe it when they are told that there are more than four billion stars, but when they see a sign that says wet paint, they have to touch and check?
16) Why does a plastic bag not open at the end where you first try to open it?
17) Why do you never hear jokes about father in laws?
18) Why are there dead insects inside enclosed electric lamps?
19) Why is it that in winter we try and keep the house as warm as it was during the summer when back in the summer we hated the heat?
20) Why is it that every time you try and catch something that is about to fall off the table, you always hit something else and drop that instead?
Conclusion:
Life has many oddities and conundrums: some funny, some less. I have mentioned but a few. Think of more? Send them to me.
Should I begin? Ok, here I go:
1) How come Tarzan has no bears even though he grows up with wolves in the jungle?
2) Why does glue not stick to the insides of the tube or can that it comes in?
3) Why do they use sterile injections when executing someone who is condemned to death?
4) Why do we press down harder and harder or the remote controls even though we know that the batteries are low?
5) Why is it that when someone hits us in the ankles with his supermarket trolley and then appologizes, do we say that everything is ok? I mean, things are not really fine. Why is it that we do not say that it hurts?
6) Why is it that whatever the color of the bath soap, the bubbles are always white?
7) Why is it that you will never find a day when mattresses are not on sale?
8) Why is it that online casinos always offer big prize money for their tournaments but never reveal the real name of the winner after the competition is over?
9) If human beings evolved from monkeys, why is it that there still are monkeys?
10) Why did the Japanese Kamikaze pilots wear helmets during the second World War?
11) Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest but, then, duck when the empty gun is thrown at him.
12) Why do banks charge a commission when you go into debt even though they know that there is no money in that account?
13) Why do people go back again and again to the refrigerator hoping that something new to eat will appear there?
14) Why do people move their vacuum cleaner over a thin thread lying on the floor, bend down, pick it up, examine it, and then, place it on the floor again and move the vacuum over it again?
15) Why do people believe it when they are told that there are more than four billion stars, but when they see a sign that says wet paint, they have to touch and check?
16) Why does a plastic bag not open at the end where you first try to open it?
17) Why do you never hear jokes about father in laws?
18) Why are there dead insects inside enclosed electric lamps?
19) Why is it that in winter we try and keep the house as warm as it was during the summer when back in the summer we hated the heat?
20) Why is it that every time you try and catch something that is about to fall off the table, you always hit something else and drop that instead?
Conclusion:
Life has many oddities and conundrums: some funny, some less. I have mentioned but a few. Think of more? Send them to me.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Living Humour: Squeezing the Juice from Life
Rammy JohnsonFacts, oddities, incidental details: these are only some of the few things I examine in the following twenty features I have come up with concerning life and all its intricacies. Some will make you laugh, others will make you scratch your chin, but whatever your behaviour, each and every one of these twenty or so queries.
1) How come when you close a glue cap the glue sticks but this same paste does not stick to the sides of the glue tube?
2 ) Academic research has detailed reports stating that from a group of four men or women one will most certainly have a mental ailment of some kind or the other. Think about this calculation: if you have three normal friends, then you, unfortunately are the fourth one out. In other words, the fourth person with a mental illness is none other than you.
3) Why do we press down hard on the remote control even though we know that the batteries are weak.
4) Supposedly the man from the jungle lives in the jungle, yes? Then, how and where did his beard disappear to?
5) Switched those bulbs that are enclosed in tight plastic shutters? Have you noticed that whenever you go to do that there are always dead bugs inside? How did they manage to get there?
6) Still use plastic bags instead of the more nature-friendly paper ones? Ok. Then, pray tell, why can't I ever manage to open one on my 1st attempt?
7) Why, pray tell, do doctors just about to inject a prisoner with a lethal injection check that the needle is sterilized?
8) Have you noticed that if your bank account gets overdrawn, your bank will add an extra charge? Why do they do that? Should you maybe inform them that the reason your checkings account is overdrawn is because you don't have money?
9) Why don't we ever hear jokes about father-in-laws?
10) If people run into a sign near a park bench saying that the paint is wet, every one will touch it to check. If this is so, why don't these same folk verify the star count of around four billion stars so stated according to various scientists?
11) How many times will be keep coming back and opening the door to the fridge when we are hungry? Do we really think that food will appear there miraculously?
12) Notice how bullets bounce off superman's chests, but the moment the villain throws the empty revolver, this same invincible superman ducks. Shouldn't the revolver bounce off his chest too?
13) I'm sure you've heard of the evolutionary claim that mankind has evolved from monkeys. Before I am to believe this, I want to know that if this is so why are monkeys still roaming earth?
14) Why is it that when we try to catch something that is falling off a table, our hand knocks down something else?
15) Heard of the Jap airplane pilots who towards the end of the Second World War crashed their planes into American naval ships? Why did these guys even think of wearing a helmet?
16) Why do people move a vacuum cleaner over a small piece of thread again and again. Why do we pick it up, examine it and then place it back down and move the vacuum cleaner over it to give it a second chance?
17) A visit to one of the many soap shops that have sprung up all over and you'll find that soaps come in all kinds of colours. But then, why does the bubbles always turn out white?
18) Is it winter or summer wherever you are right now? Have you noticed that if it is summer we try and make the house as cold as it would be during winter, and if it is winter, we try and make the house as hot as it would during summer?
19) Is there any day when mattresses are not on sale?
20) Isn't it silly that when if wandering through one of the large shopping malls someone doesn't pay attention and the cart they are pushing smacks into your toes, and then they say sorry, all we can think of saying is that no harm was done while your toe is aching.
Note:
Uncanny facts and features are not novel. The fact that we humans have strange habits is not new too. But, I have pointed out some of the few irregularities that we live with. This article is for entertainment purposes alone and doesn't try and offend or create new realities. So, take it in the appropriate manner too.
1) How come when you close a glue cap the glue sticks but this same paste does not stick to the sides of the glue tube?
2 ) Academic research has detailed reports stating that from a group of four men or women one will most certainly have a mental ailment of some kind or the other. Think about this calculation: if you have three normal friends, then you, unfortunately are the fourth one out. In other words, the fourth person with a mental illness is none other than you.
3) Why do we press down hard on the remote control even though we know that the batteries are weak.
4) Supposedly the man from the jungle lives in the jungle, yes? Then, how and where did his beard disappear to?
5) Switched those bulbs that are enclosed in tight plastic shutters? Have you noticed that whenever you go to do that there are always dead bugs inside? How did they manage to get there?
6) Still use plastic bags instead of the more nature-friendly paper ones? Ok. Then, pray tell, why can't I ever manage to open one on my 1st attempt?
7) Why, pray tell, do doctors just about to inject a prisoner with a lethal injection check that the needle is sterilized?
8) Have you noticed that if your bank account gets overdrawn, your bank will add an extra charge? Why do they do that? Should you maybe inform them that the reason your checkings account is overdrawn is because you don't have money?
9) Why don't we ever hear jokes about father-in-laws?
10) If people run into a sign near a park bench saying that the paint is wet, every one will touch it to check. If this is so, why don't these same folk verify the star count of around four billion stars so stated according to various scientists?
11) How many times will be keep coming back and opening the door to the fridge when we are hungry? Do we really think that food will appear there miraculously?
12) Notice how bullets bounce off superman's chests, but the moment the villain throws the empty revolver, this same invincible superman ducks. Shouldn't the revolver bounce off his chest too?
13) I'm sure you've heard of the evolutionary claim that mankind has evolved from monkeys. Before I am to believe this, I want to know that if this is so why are monkeys still roaming earth?
14) Why is it that when we try to catch something that is falling off a table, our hand knocks down something else?
15) Heard of the Jap airplane pilots who towards the end of the Second World War crashed their planes into American naval ships? Why did these guys even think of wearing a helmet?
16) Why do people move a vacuum cleaner over a small piece of thread again and again. Why do we pick it up, examine it and then place it back down and move the vacuum cleaner over it to give it a second chance?
17) A visit to one of the many soap shops that have sprung up all over and you'll find that soaps come in all kinds of colours. But then, why does the bubbles always turn out white?
18) Is it winter or summer wherever you are right now? Have you noticed that if it is summer we try and make the house as cold as it would be during winter, and if it is winter, we try and make the house as hot as it would during summer?
19) Is there any day when mattresses are not on sale?
20) Isn't it silly that when if wandering through one of the large shopping malls someone doesn't pay attention and the cart they are pushing smacks into your toes, and then they say sorry, all we can think of saying is that no harm was done while your toe is aching.
Note:
Uncanny facts and features are not novel. The fact that we humans have strange habits is not new too. But, I have pointed out some of the few irregularities that we live with. This article is for entertainment purposes alone and doesn't try and offend or create new realities. So, take it in the appropriate manner too.
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