Passover, or Pesach as it is called in Hebrew, is the 8 day festival where the Jews celebrate their liberation from Egypt more than a thousand years ago. One of the most important features of this freedom festival is that the Jews cannot eat anything that is leavened. They eat unleavened bread.
They must also make sure that no bread crumbs exist in or around the house: the cupboards, the drawers, the kitchen, behind the bed, under the refrigerator and anywhere else where crumbs might have fallen through. To ensure that the house is clean of leavened food materials, the Jews have to clean the entire house from top to bottom as thoroughly as possible. And they do. During the week before Passover, house cleaning is what goes on in most Jewish houses. To answer this demand and to ease the tension, here is a joke on this subject called Impossible Timing, which highlights this cleaning tension.
Impossible Timing:
Samuel, an observant Jew, who was also a financial wizard, left Brooklyn to accept the position of Vice President in a famous broker firm in Utah, which is well known for being a Mormon state.
When they learned this, the company's directorate applied tremendous pressure on the company's president. "We are religious people here," they said. "It can't be that a Jew will handle all our money."
The president tried to ward them off, but when he couldn't manage it anymore, he called Samuel to his office and explained the situation to him. Samuel was offered the choice of either converting or leaving the attractive job which also had a six figure salary quote attached to it.
Samuel had no choice but to convert, and he went home and told his wife that from Sunday, they will start attending the Church services.
A few months went by and his wife kept troubling Samuel about the conversion. "This is too difficult for me. I miss the Sabbath: lighting candles and blessing the wine. I miss the holidays. Money is not everything, Samuel dear."
And with each time that his wife complained, Samuel's conscience increased until he could not take it anymore and he went to meet the company's President.
"Look, I can't go on like this," Samuel said. "I am full of regret. Money is not everything. I can't sleep and neither can my wife. This is too heavy a burden for me to carry. I was born a Jew and I want to die a Jew. And if you want me to quit, I will without making any trouble."
The President looked at him in wonder, "Listen, Samuel, I had no idea that this was so difficult for you. I thought it was a trivial matter. But you don't have to leave. Everything will be the same as before: you can stay here with us without converting.
Samuel returned home happy and grinning from ear to ear. He ran to his wife, who was watching Ricky Lake, "You won't believe it! It's a miracle. We are going back to being Jews, and I still retain my job."
His wife looked at him with eyes that spat fire, and said," Are you mad?"
Samuel was shocked. "But I thought that this is what you wanted!" He cut in. "All this while you have been crying and complaining. Don't you wish to go back to becoming a Jew""
His wife looked at him with ever more fury, "Of course I want to. Of course I want to," she said. "But now? Only a week before Passover?"
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Party Jokes: Startling But Unnecessary
Here, I focus on a range of items and features that we use in life without giving them a second thought such as Coca Cola, body muscles and holding ones own breath. Though, most of these notes are not fundamentally necessary, they are such that you can use them for a good laugh, at a drinks party or for picking up women or men.
1) Coca-Cola: Did you know that its original colour was green?
2) Mohammed: Did you know that this is the most used name in the entire world?
3) Geographical Letters: Did you know that the name of each of the continents begins and concludes with the exact same alphabet? Do not believe that? Look up Asia, Europe, Africa, America, Antarctica and the rest.
4) Muscle Strength: Did you know that the strongest muscle in the entire body is that one which we use to lick a popsicle? Your tongue.
5) Credit Cards: In the United States, were you aware that each and every person has at least two credit cards?
6) An Antique Machine: The word for an old machine that was once used for writing letters and other documents is the largest word that one can make if they click only on a single row of their computer's keyboard: typewriter!
7) Blink: Men wink at women, but research has found out that the average woman blinks nearly two times more than the average man.
8) Suicide: Even though you might have wondered if it was possible, studies have discovered that it is impossible to kill oneself by simply holding in your breath.
9) Licking: However much you may try, you will never be able to lick your elbows.
10) Sneeze: Try sneezing. People will automatically answer you with a bless you greeting. Have you ever imagined why? Some say that this happens because a sneeze stops the functioning of the heart for a very tiny second.
11) The Blue Sky: Did you know that a pig, no matter how much they try, cannot look up into the sky?
12) Twisting Your Tongue: We have all dabbled with different tongue-twisters in our day. But do you know which is the toughest? Sixth sick sheiks sixth sheeps sick.
13) Ribs: Did you know that you should try not to sneeze too strongly. Why? A very powerful sneeze has the ability to cause a fracture in your ribcage. But, then again, if you try and withhold one, you stand the chance of breaking one of the many blood vessels in your neck or head. This could cause death.
14) Cards: Did you think that the Kings are all just random cards referring to random figures? No. Each one signifies a different king: Diamonds for Julius Caesar, Clubs for Alexander the Great, Spades for David and Hearts for Charlemagne.
15) And finally: Most everyone reading this (Caught You!) are trying to lick their elbows at this exact moment!
Conclusion: Most of these are not scientific facts, but they are hilarious, funny and can be used to lighten up the ambience when a conversation has gone dull. Use any and see your popularity rise up to great heights. Visit http://www.gambling-portal.com for more jokes.
1) Coca-Cola: Did you know that its original colour was green?
2) Mohammed: Did you know that this is the most used name in the entire world?
3) Geographical Letters: Did you know that the name of each of the continents begins and concludes with the exact same alphabet? Do not believe that? Look up Asia, Europe, Africa, America, Antarctica and the rest.
4) Muscle Strength: Did you know that the strongest muscle in the entire body is that one which we use to lick a popsicle? Your tongue.
5) Credit Cards: In the United States, were you aware that each and every person has at least two credit cards?
6) An Antique Machine: The word for an old machine that was once used for writing letters and other documents is the largest word that one can make if they click only on a single row of their computer's keyboard: typewriter!
7) Blink: Men wink at women, but research has found out that the average woman blinks nearly two times more than the average man.
8) Suicide: Even though you might have wondered if it was possible, studies have discovered that it is impossible to kill oneself by simply holding in your breath.
9) Licking: However much you may try, you will never be able to lick your elbows.
10) Sneeze: Try sneezing. People will automatically answer you with a bless you greeting. Have you ever imagined why? Some say that this happens because a sneeze stops the functioning of the heart for a very tiny second.
11) The Blue Sky: Did you know that a pig, no matter how much they try, cannot look up into the sky?
12) Twisting Your Tongue: We have all dabbled with different tongue-twisters in our day. But do you know which is the toughest? Sixth sick sheiks sixth sheeps sick.
13) Ribs: Did you know that you should try not to sneeze too strongly. Why? A very powerful sneeze has the ability to cause a fracture in your ribcage. But, then again, if you try and withhold one, you stand the chance of breaking one of the many blood vessels in your neck or head. This could cause death.
14) Cards: Did you think that the Kings are all just random cards referring to random figures? No. Each one signifies a different king: Diamonds for Julius Caesar, Clubs for Alexander the Great, Spades for David and Hearts for Charlemagne.
15) And finally: Most everyone reading this (Caught You!) are trying to lick their elbows at this exact moment!
Conclusion: Most of these are not scientific facts, but they are hilarious, funny and can be used to lighten up the ambience when a conversation has gone dull. Use any and see your popularity rise up to great heights. Visit http://www.gambling-portal.com for more jokes.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Men's Restroom Behavior
Only one half day left of my conference. I can hardly wait for this thing to be over and I can leave this town for a while.
One amusing story to share. While I was in the men's room today, I took my position at the urinal. As I was performing standard urinal procedure, I noticed out of the corner of my eye a man talking to another man about 5 urninals down. He stood right next to the man, and started talking while emptying the tank. It was obvious they had a solid business relationship.
As they exchanged greetings the man in mid-pee reached over and shook the other man's hand! WHOA! TIMEOUT! 3 cardinal rules of standard mens room procedure had been broken!
1. Failure to utlize the inbetween urninal. If there are a bank of pee stalls, be kind and position yourself at LEAST one urninal from your fellow urniner.
2. Direct Eye Contact. Never, I mean never make eye contact with a fellow uriner. You have already established a male bond by proxy because you pee standing up. Eyes front, cowboy.
3. Hand to hand contact in mid procedure. NO! should that man have put his had out in a kindly handshaky gesture, I would have told him, (and you should too), "Sorry, sir, but round these parts we practice a little bit of hand sanatizing. Wash em up good, with soap, dry em off, then we can shake." I know I keep my no-no zone in a mighty fine and clean condition, but I don't know about my fellow man.
I hope this has been a valuable refresher course in men restroom behavior.
One amusing story to share. While I was in the men's room today, I took my position at the urinal. As I was performing standard urinal procedure, I noticed out of the corner of my eye a man talking to another man about 5 urninals down. He stood right next to the man, and started talking while emptying the tank. It was obvious they had a solid business relationship.
As they exchanged greetings the man in mid-pee reached over and shook the other man's hand! WHOA! TIMEOUT! 3 cardinal rules of standard mens room procedure had been broken!
1. Failure to utlize the inbetween urninal. If there are a bank of pee stalls, be kind and position yourself at LEAST one urninal from your fellow urniner.
2. Direct Eye Contact. Never, I mean never make eye contact with a fellow uriner. You have already established a male bond by proxy because you pee standing up. Eyes front, cowboy.
3. Hand to hand contact in mid procedure. NO! should that man have put his had out in a kindly handshaky gesture, I would have told him, (and you should too), "Sorry, sir, but round these parts we practice a little bit of hand sanatizing. Wash em up good, with soap, dry em off, then we can shake." I know I keep my no-no zone in a mighty fine and clean condition, but I don't know about my fellow man.
I hope this has been a valuable refresher course in men restroom behavior.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Laughter: Use It to Pick Up Women
Humour, some say, is the fruit of life, and this is especially true when it comes to picking up on a girl no matter where the location. Make them laugh, and I guarantee, that you are very close to getting their phone number and even to getting them to go out with you.
But, as we all know, making them laugh, is easier said than done. Precisely for those who find it difficult to come up with something funny to say, I am adding some funny anecdotes and wise cracks that you can memorize and then use in those situations where you need to get the girl in front of you to laugh.
1) The Prescription:
Did you hear of the lady, who walked into the pharmacist and asked for arsenic?
The man behind the counter asked in wonder, "What do you need that for?
The lady calmly replied," to kill my husband."
The pharmacist was taken aback," Are you crazy? Do you want to get us both into jail? And, anyway, why do you want to kill him? Go to a counselor. Get help for your marriage."
The lady paused and from her purse she removed a set of pictures of her husband and the wife of the pharmacist in some very creative postures.
The pharmacist looked at the snaps, put them down and smiled," lady, why did you not tell me that you have a prescription?"
2) The Tip Book
A wife calls out to her husband, "Have you seen the book, 101 Tips to Live for More Than a Hundred Years?
The husband sheepishly replies, "I burnt it."
"What?" the wife shouted out," why?"
The husband whispered back," Because your mother wanted to read it."
3) Range of Food
Looking at his wife fry meat balls in all kinds of shapes and sizes, Tom tapped her on the shoulder, "Why?"
His wife turned," Because you asked for a variety of food."
4) Mushrooms
Tom was picking mushrooms from the forest floor with his wife, when she picked up one and showed it to Tom," Is this for eating?"
Tom smiled," Yes. As long as you do not cook it."
5) Driving Around
Tom greeted his wife when she returned home," So, my dear, how was your first time driving all alone?"
His wife smiled coyly, "Do you want to hear it from me or read about it in the papers?
6) Drama
A couple are watching a film in their local theater when the wife snuggles close to her husband and points to the screen," Do you think that they will get married in the end?"
The husband sighs," Yes. These movies always have bad endings."
7) The Library
Tom visited the local library, walks up to the librarian and asks, "Do you know where I can find the book, the Supremacy of Men over Women?"
The librarian conducts a short search on the computer and looks up," you will be able to find it in the science fiction."
Conclusion:
While some of these might sound offensive, if you use them well you will be able to display not just a sense of humour, but also that you are exactly the opposite of the stereotype. How? Immediately, after you done, lean over and whisper, But I am not like that, and if you allow me to take you out, you will see that for yourself.
But, as we all know, making them laugh, is easier said than done. Precisely for those who find it difficult to come up with something funny to say, I am adding some funny anecdotes and wise cracks that you can memorize and then use in those situations where you need to get the girl in front of you to laugh.
1) The Prescription:
Did you hear of the lady, who walked into the pharmacist and asked for arsenic?
The man behind the counter asked in wonder, "What do you need that for?
The lady calmly replied," to kill my husband."
The pharmacist was taken aback," Are you crazy? Do you want to get us both into jail? And, anyway, why do you want to kill him? Go to a counselor. Get help for your marriage."
The lady paused and from her purse she removed a set of pictures of her husband and the wife of the pharmacist in some very creative postures.
The pharmacist looked at the snaps, put them down and smiled," lady, why did you not tell me that you have a prescription?"
2) The Tip Book
A wife calls out to her husband, "Have you seen the book, 101 Tips to Live for More Than a Hundred Years?
The husband sheepishly replies, "I burnt it."
"What?" the wife shouted out," why?"
The husband whispered back," Because your mother wanted to read it."
3) Range of Food
Looking at his wife fry meat balls in all kinds of shapes and sizes, Tom tapped her on the shoulder, "Why?"
His wife turned," Because you asked for a variety of food."
4) Mushrooms
Tom was picking mushrooms from the forest floor with his wife, when she picked up one and showed it to Tom," Is this for eating?"
Tom smiled," Yes. As long as you do not cook it."
5) Driving Around
Tom greeted his wife when she returned home," So, my dear, how was your first time driving all alone?"
His wife smiled coyly, "Do you want to hear it from me or read about it in the papers?
6) Drama
A couple are watching a film in their local theater when the wife snuggles close to her husband and points to the screen," Do you think that they will get married in the end?"
The husband sighs," Yes. These movies always have bad endings."
7) The Library
Tom visited the local library, walks up to the librarian and asks, "Do you know where I can find the book, the Supremacy of Men over Women?"
The librarian conducts a short search on the computer and looks up," you will be able to find it in the science fiction."
Conclusion:
While some of these might sound offensive, if you use them well you will be able to display not just a sense of humour, but also that you are exactly the opposite of the stereotype. How? Immediately, after you done, lean over and whisper, But I am not like that, and if you allow me to take you out, you will see that for yourself.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Clutterbugs
"This house is so cluttered I can't find anything," said my husband.
I looked around, and realized that most of the clutter was his, on that particular day, anyway. He seemed to be oblivious to that fact. He's not only a closet packrat, he builds guitars. He rebuilds guitars- guitars that don't quite meet his specifications when he buys them. Our living room is a guitar parts morgue. We could open up a store... They ought to make tables that have a slight angle to them, because every flat surface in our house gets piled with guitar parts, newspapers, mail, art supplies, telephones (yes we have several that don't even work, but "might be salvageable"), and all the equipment that goes along with the guitar building and playing. His "workroom" has a tendency to overflow into the living areas. He said, just the other day, that he wanted to use the other bedroom to "store" stuff, too. I had to make a decision, to blatantly show him that most of the clutter is his, or keep quiet and put all his things away in his used-to-be-a-bedroom "workroom". He surely would complain then, because it would be "put up." We can't ever find things that are "put up." We "put it up" so well, that it's never to be seen again. Might as well go buy another one, for all the good it's gonna' do us looking for it.
The trouble is, I think, we have too much stuff. If someone came by today and asked us to take up our cross and follow Christ (or Yeshua), we wouldn't be able to find it. The Spring cleaning bug has died, too. It comes around once a year around March. Things get spruced up and "put up" and then it slowly fades away, back to the way it was. Little baskets I put around to hide the parts, and pocket contents he dumps out when he comes home are filled to the brim with all kinds of things- gloves, dog leashes, papers, and one even has an amplifier balanced on top of it.
Dust is another problem. We live in the Southwest, where rain is as scarce as change from a vending machine. Lots of dust causes lots of static electricity, which in turn causes computer freeze-ups and malfunctions. With both of us being avowed computer geeks, that certainly is a problem. We are frequently unplugging everything and plugging it back in to release the charge. I even bought some anti-static spray the other day, but alas, it is lost, after just one use. We live in Colorado, but you'd think I was back in West Texas with all the dust that seems to creep in here. I work at home, so my husband thinks I have all day to just go around and dust, and find things. He has no idea... Well, occasionally I do the chores, but anything that needs dusting that's more than five feet high, isn't going to get dusted. If I can't see it, it isn't there. It doesn't bother me, as long as I can't see it.
Maybe I'll start building pianos. They have lots of parts. And they're really big. Nah. They have a flat surface on top. I'd never be able to get into them to work on them. Besides, I'd never get anything else done, just playing the piano all day...
I looked around, and realized that most of the clutter was his, on that particular day, anyway. He seemed to be oblivious to that fact. He's not only a closet packrat, he builds guitars. He rebuilds guitars- guitars that don't quite meet his specifications when he buys them. Our living room is a guitar parts morgue. We could open up a store... They ought to make tables that have a slight angle to them, because every flat surface in our house gets piled with guitar parts, newspapers, mail, art supplies, telephones (yes we have several that don't even work, but "might be salvageable"), and all the equipment that goes along with the guitar building and playing. His "workroom" has a tendency to overflow into the living areas. He said, just the other day, that he wanted to use the other bedroom to "store" stuff, too. I had to make a decision, to blatantly show him that most of the clutter is his, or keep quiet and put all his things away in his used-to-be-a-bedroom "workroom". He surely would complain then, because it would be "put up." We can't ever find things that are "put up." We "put it up" so well, that it's never to be seen again. Might as well go buy another one, for all the good it's gonna' do us looking for it.
The trouble is, I think, we have too much stuff. If someone came by today and asked us to take up our cross and follow Christ (or Yeshua), we wouldn't be able to find it. The Spring cleaning bug has died, too. It comes around once a year around March. Things get spruced up and "put up" and then it slowly fades away, back to the way it was. Little baskets I put around to hide the parts, and pocket contents he dumps out when he comes home are filled to the brim with all kinds of things- gloves, dog leashes, papers, and one even has an amplifier balanced on top of it.
Dust is another problem. We live in the Southwest, where rain is as scarce as change from a vending machine. Lots of dust causes lots of static electricity, which in turn causes computer freeze-ups and malfunctions. With both of us being avowed computer geeks, that certainly is a problem. We are frequently unplugging everything and plugging it back in to release the charge. I even bought some anti-static spray the other day, but alas, it is lost, after just one use. We live in Colorado, but you'd think I was back in West Texas with all the dust that seems to creep in here. I work at home, so my husband thinks I have all day to just go around and dust, and find things. He has no idea... Well, occasionally I do the chores, but anything that needs dusting that's more than five feet high, isn't going to get dusted. If I can't see it, it isn't there. It doesn't bother me, as long as I can't see it.
Maybe I'll start building pianos. They have lots of parts. And they're really big. Nah. They have a flat surface on top. I'd never be able to get into them to work on them. Besides, I'd never get anything else done, just playing the piano all day...
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Are You Looking For Quality Comedy Entertainment?
Are you looking for quality comedy entertainment? Check out ComedySportz for a great show everyone in your family or group will love.
1. ComedySportz is funny improvisation played as a sport. It is excellent entertainment for people of all ages.
2. Two teams improvise while acting out scenes, games, and songs as they compete for points and laughes from the audience. There are referees who monitor play and the National Anthem is played before every game. The winning team is chosen by the audience who takes a vote.
3. ComedySportz is modeled after the comedy show, Theatersports by Keith Johnson. The comedy version was born in 1984 by Dick Chudnow.
4. You can find this comedy show in cities throughout the United States including: Spokane, Chicago, Indianapolis, Richmond, Dallas, and New York. They also do shows in the United Kingdom and Ireland.
5. Because this comedy show is clean, funny, interactive and positive it is a great show for the entire family.
6. ComedySportz performs well over 2000 shows on the road ever year. They do shows for colleges, corporate events, churches and fundraising groups.
7. Highly rated by everyone who sees one of their shows fans of ComedySportz rave about the quality of their shows.
8. Comedy is not the only service provided by ComedySportz. They also offer a variety of classes, workshops and seminars on teambuilding and communication skills. These workshops provide an opportunity to improve communication skills and teamwork in the workplace.
9. There are three levels of workshops. Level One seminars on improvisation include: trust, speed, status, accepting and conquering fears and basic scene making. These skills are learned through a games and various activities which require improvisation.
10. The next level workshop is level two. Once you have completed level one you can take a level two workshop. It is here you will learn ComedySportz games as well continued work on improvisational skills. There are even opportunities for level two students to perform. Level Three continues to build on these skills.
11. If you or your company is interested in having a seminar focused on learning communication and team work skills while also having a great time, ComedySportz can put one together for you.
ComedySportz offers comedy, fun, healthy competition and opportunities for self improvement.
1. ComedySportz is funny improvisation played as a sport. It is excellent entertainment for people of all ages.
2. Two teams improvise while acting out scenes, games, and songs as they compete for points and laughes from the audience. There are referees who monitor play and the National Anthem is played before every game. The winning team is chosen by the audience who takes a vote.
3. ComedySportz is modeled after the comedy show, Theatersports by Keith Johnson. The comedy version was born in 1984 by Dick Chudnow.
4. You can find this comedy show in cities throughout the United States including: Spokane, Chicago, Indianapolis, Richmond, Dallas, and New York. They also do shows in the United Kingdom and Ireland.
5. Because this comedy show is clean, funny, interactive and positive it is a great show for the entire family.
6. ComedySportz performs well over 2000 shows on the road ever year. They do shows for colleges, corporate events, churches and fundraising groups.
7. Highly rated by everyone who sees one of their shows fans of ComedySportz rave about the quality of their shows.
8. Comedy is not the only service provided by ComedySportz. They also offer a variety of classes, workshops and seminars on teambuilding and communication skills. These workshops provide an opportunity to improve communication skills and teamwork in the workplace.
9. There are three levels of workshops. Level One seminars on improvisation include: trust, speed, status, accepting and conquering fears and basic scene making. These skills are learned through a games and various activities which require improvisation.
10. The next level workshop is level two. Once you have completed level one you can take a level two workshop. It is here you will learn ComedySportz games as well continued work on improvisational skills. There are even opportunities for level two students to perform. Level Three continues to build on these skills.
11. If you or your company is interested in having a seminar focused on learning communication and team work skills while also having a great time, ComedySportz can put one together for you.
ComedySportz offers comedy, fun, healthy competition and opportunities for self improvement.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
The Power of Humor
What can you do with humor?
Sure you can have fun with it—or else why do people pay for the comedy shows and those comedy channels? You can also use it reduce tension, find a great bargain, keep your children in their seats…you name it. There are a thousand and one use of humor, but it leads to an ultimate goal—laughter.
Laughter is powerful, and much more powerful than most people think.
You can make women laugh and fall in love with you.
That sounds like a pretty bold claim doesn’t it? Let me explain.
Human beings have an obsessive desire to remain consistent. It is physically impossible to dislike the person who has already made you genuinely laugh, as you can’t resolve the conflicts and incongruity between laughter (liking someone) and disliking someone.
In other words, women tend to get closer to a guy who has consistently made them laugh! This not only occur at a logical level (“oh, being with him gives me so much joy and I want more”), but also at a subconscious level (maintaining consistency). Once you were made laugh by someone, it will be very inconsistent if you still maintain an antagonistic attitude towards that person.
Therefore, I use laughter to make women fall in love with me. The more women I could make laugh, the better get. You see, love is derived from the feeling of happiness and happiness is directly associated with laughter.
I’m sure in your entire life so far, you have made many, many, many women laugh, and sometimes you can get pretty good at it—sometimes with a particular woman or under some particular circumstances.
Sure, all of us can crack a joke or two. Sometimes we can be quite funny for a whole night... Can we all do it time after time, night after night? Do we all know the secrets that will make humor a natural part of you so that it's effortless to be humorous and charming?
Maybe not.
Some guys talk about the "art" of making women laugh.
Sure, they can call themselves "artists" as they like, but the problem is... once something becomes an art, you won't have rules to rely on and you can't measure the results. Making women laugh suddenly becomes an uncertain event.
But the fact is...Making women laugh is a science.
The fact is… human beings' reactions to different types of "humor stimuli" are predictable.
And there are tested-and-proven methods to match a humorous line and a subject's education, personality, and cultural to create laughter.
Any man, regardless of looks, intelligence, education, personality, can learn the mechanism of humor and laughter and develop his own style of humor.
About the author
Sure you can have fun with it—or else why do people pay for the comedy shows and those comedy channels? You can also use it reduce tension, find a great bargain, keep your children in their seats…you name it. There are a thousand and one use of humor, but it leads to an ultimate goal—laughter.
Laughter is powerful, and much more powerful than most people think.
You can make women laugh and fall in love with you.
That sounds like a pretty bold claim doesn’t it? Let me explain.
Human beings have an obsessive desire to remain consistent. It is physically impossible to dislike the person who has already made you genuinely laugh, as you can’t resolve the conflicts and incongruity between laughter (liking someone) and disliking someone.
In other words, women tend to get closer to a guy who has consistently made them laugh! This not only occur at a logical level (“oh, being with him gives me so much joy and I want more”), but also at a subconscious level (maintaining consistency). Once you were made laugh by someone, it will be very inconsistent if you still maintain an antagonistic attitude towards that person.
Therefore, I use laughter to make women fall in love with me. The more women I could make laugh, the better get. You see, love is derived from the feeling of happiness and happiness is directly associated with laughter.
I’m sure in your entire life so far, you have made many, many, many women laugh, and sometimes you can get pretty good at it—sometimes with a particular woman or under some particular circumstances.
Sure, all of us can crack a joke or two. Sometimes we can be quite funny for a whole night... Can we all do it time after time, night after night? Do we all know the secrets that will make humor a natural part of you so that it's effortless to be humorous and charming?
Maybe not.
Some guys talk about the "art" of making women laugh.
Sure, they can call themselves "artists" as they like, but the problem is... once something becomes an art, you won't have rules to rely on and you can't measure the results. Making women laugh suddenly becomes an uncertain event.
But the fact is...Making women laugh is a science.
The fact is… human beings' reactions to different types of "humor stimuli" are predictable.
And there are tested-and-proven methods to match a humorous line and a subject's education, personality, and cultural to create laughter.
Any man, regardless of looks, intelligence, education, personality, can learn the mechanism of humor and laughter and develop his own style of humor.
About the author
Smoking Gun In Cancer Revealed; It's The Smoking Throat
OK, smoke fans, the facts are out once again. According to the new and pretty inarguable Cancer Atlas and the updated Tobacco Atlas, which were published by The American Cancer Society, if "Smoky, The Scare" gets his way, tobacco use is projected to kill a billion people in this century. (By the way, wouldn't it be more reassuring if the word “Prevention” was in the Society's name?)
Now, that’s what we call recreational population control. The figure amounts to ten times as many folks as smoking sent choking to the grave in the 20th century.
And ready for this? Tobacco use causes one in five cancer deaths, or a total of 1.4 million graveyard bound souls a year.
Now, here’s the good and much underappreciated news: Dr. Judity Mackay, a senior policy adviser of the World Health Organization, tells us, "We know with cancer, if we take action now, we can save 2 million lives a year by 2020 and 6.5 million by 2040."
So here’s our bit to stop cancer in its tracks. And we’re not going to pull any punches, because, if you still smoke, you obviously haven’t listened to anybody yet, and we care about you too much not to give you our best shot.
Here goes all the ways we know to annoy our friends who smoke with advice that is invariably resented but not always dismissed. In fact, we actually have two friends who stopped smoking after we had at them.
So let's light up with logic:
1. If you can’t quit smoking, pursue your fetish when you're not around us.
2. We don’t date people who smoke, because we don’t want to die in their arms. It’s not death we’re afraid of; it’s their breath and the way their clothes smell. We find both spiritually wilting, not to mention sexually.
3. Everybody loves you, but somebody you know is following you, everywhere you go, and this person wants to kill you, and do you know who this person is? The person in you who wants to smoke. The person in you who doesn’t want you to smoke, while weaker right now, can be made strong enough to toss the sneak thief of your life out for good.
4. Do you know what people think every time you light up? Wow, what a dummy. Provoking this response is particularly incriminating if you think you’re a genius.
5. Don’t tell me you’re so desperate for pleasure that just for the little buzz you can get from dragging all those carcinogens into your fragile body you’re ready to die? How much do you like Lorillard and the other ciggy makers? So much you need to die for them?
6. Do you know that smoking is like rat poison? You ingest a little every day. You think you’re fine. But actually your entire body is being poisoned. That’s why you look yellow and your skin wrinkles prematurely. Actually, if you could do an autopsy on yourself while you’re still alive, you’d find that all the organs in your body are shriveled up from the poisons. For instance, pathologists tell us that your organs, instead of being smooth and healthy, look more like prunes. But you keep dragging the junk in, because you think you’re fine. Well, you’re not. You’re deadly ill. And then one day it happens. You go from being ill to being landfill.
7. Last, do you know that all the blood in your body races through your lungs every minute? That’s right. It all keeps racing there to give off carbon dioxide and grab fresh oxygen. Then it races to the far corners of your body with the breath of life. Unfortunately, it also drags the carcinogens along for the ride. That’s why, for instance, women who smoke often get breast cancer; breasts are very vascular and so they’re a frequent drop-off point for the poison.
Worst of all, if you die, you can’t read NewsLaugh anymore. Talk about sad. So stop it already.
Now, that’s what we call recreational population control. The figure amounts to ten times as many folks as smoking sent choking to the grave in the 20th century.
And ready for this? Tobacco use causes one in five cancer deaths, or a total of 1.4 million graveyard bound souls a year.
Now, here’s the good and much underappreciated news: Dr. Judity Mackay, a senior policy adviser of the World Health Organization, tells us, "We know with cancer, if we take action now, we can save 2 million lives a year by 2020 and 6.5 million by 2040."
So here’s our bit to stop cancer in its tracks. And we’re not going to pull any punches, because, if you still smoke, you obviously haven’t listened to anybody yet, and we care about you too much not to give you our best shot.
Here goes all the ways we know to annoy our friends who smoke with advice that is invariably resented but not always dismissed. In fact, we actually have two friends who stopped smoking after we had at them.
So let's light up with logic:
1. If you can’t quit smoking, pursue your fetish when you're not around us.
2. We don’t date people who smoke, because we don’t want to die in their arms. It’s not death we’re afraid of; it’s their breath and the way their clothes smell. We find both spiritually wilting, not to mention sexually.
3. Everybody loves you, but somebody you know is following you, everywhere you go, and this person wants to kill you, and do you know who this person is? The person in you who wants to smoke. The person in you who doesn’t want you to smoke, while weaker right now, can be made strong enough to toss the sneak thief of your life out for good.
4. Do you know what people think every time you light up? Wow, what a dummy. Provoking this response is particularly incriminating if you think you’re a genius.
5. Don’t tell me you’re so desperate for pleasure that just for the little buzz you can get from dragging all those carcinogens into your fragile body you’re ready to die? How much do you like Lorillard and the other ciggy makers? So much you need to die for them?
6. Do you know that smoking is like rat poison? You ingest a little every day. You think you’re fine. But actually your entire body is being poisoned. That’s why you look yellow and your skin wrinkles prematurely. Actually, if you could do an autopsy on yourself while you’re still alive, you’d find that all the organs in your body are shriveled up from the poisons. For instance, pathologists tell us that your organs, instead of being smooth and healthy, look more like prunes. But you keep dragging the junk in, because you think you’re fine. Well, you’re not. You’re deadly ill. And then one day it happens. You go from being ill to being landfill.
7. Last, do you know that all the blood in your body races through your lungs every minute? That’s right. It all keeps racing there to give off carbon dioxide and grab fresh oxygen. Then it races to the far corners of your body with the breath of life. Unfortunately, it also drags the carcinogens along for the ride. That’s why, for instance, women who smoke often get breast cancer; breasts are very vascular and so they’re a frequent drop-off point for the poison.
Worst of all, if you die, you can’t read NewsLaugh anymore. Talk about sad. So stop it already.
Infant Author Accused Of Plaigarism; Copied Sounds In Nursery
A newborn infant, who showed unusual promise in the hospital nursery in the modulation of her of coos and cries and was immediately swept from her mother’s arms to Harvard University, has now been disgraced as a mere plagiarist.
It seems that the infant, commissioned to write an original succession of coos and cries by a wily book packager, had listened, intentionally or not, to the coos and cries of her fellow newborns during her brief stay at the hospital.
Hapless child that she was, she could hardly do more than imitate their enchanting litany.
Now all has been uncovered and the infant is widely disgrace and currently inflicting unnecessary mortification on herself.
Along with the author’s disgrace with fortune and adult’s eyes, the once storied publishing company of Little Baby & Company, which optioned, not only one but two books of coos and cries from the infant, now has pabulum on its face.
To recuperate as much as possible from the catastrophic descent of its reputation, it has cancelled its contract with the babe, not only for a revised version of its present rendition of infant sounds, but for the second collection, for which, in its eagerness to make money even at the cost of its intellectual dignity, paid the newborn the sum of $700,000 for the expected twin bestsellers.
As usual, the rains of time will wash away the pabulum and the child, we hope, having one day realized the immensity of her transgression, will have the wisdom to attribute it to her preconscious state of relative unconsciousness and will go on to achieve whatever she may in the yet unknown possibilities of her post coos-and-cries intellectual development.
It seems that the infant, commissioned to write an original succession of coos and cries by a wily book packager, had listened, intentionally or not, to the coos and cries of her fellow newborns during her brief stay at the hospital.
Hapless child that she was, she could hardly do more than imitate their enchanting litany.
Now all has been uncovered and the infant is widely disgrace and currently inflicting unnecessary mortification on herself.
Along with the author’s disgrace with fortune and adult’s eyes, the once storied publishing company of Little Baby & Company, which optioned, not only one but two books of coos and cries from the infant, now has pabulum on its face.
To recuperate as much as possible from the catastrophic descent of its reputation, it has cancelled its contract with the babe, not only for a revised version of its present rendition of infant sounds, but for the second collection, for which, in its eagerness to make money even at the cost of its intellectual dignity, paid the newborn the sum of $700,000 for the expected twin bestsellers.
As usual, the rains of time will wash away the pabulum and the child, we hope, having one day realized the immensity of her transgression, will have the wisdom to attribute it to her preconscious state of relative unconsciousness and will go on to achieve whatever she may in the yet unknown possibilities of her post coos-and-cries intellectual development.
Humanist Terrorists Nabbed In Miami; Planned To Plant Explosive Books
A group that calls itself humanist terrorists was apprehended by the FBI in a preemptive strike in Miami. The terrorist cell, which claims affiliation with the Middle Atlantic terror group all-Libraries, was infiltrated by an FBI operative.
The leader of the group confided to the informant that the members planned to plant explosive books in various locations throughout the United States, including the Sears Tower, a number of FBI buildings, and radical Muslim mosques.
The humanist terrorist group had been operating out of the basement of an as yet undisclosed free public library in Miami. The FBI found plentiful evidence of the group’s plans, including many intelligent books generally considered to be easily accessible and therefore highly dangerous.
At a news conference held to announce the arrests, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales stated, “Fortunately, the plot by this home-grown terrorist cell was disrupted in the planning stages. The group was still trying to get funding to acquire a sufficient number of books.”
In a deposition, a spokesman for the humanist terrorists confessed, “We were planning to spread enlightenment wherever we could, so we selected two of the most informative and readable philosophy books of recent times, both by the leading but now deceased humanist terrorist Bertrand Russell. First, we were going to stage an attack with his landmark The History of Western Philosophy, just to provide people with an overview of our radical ideology. Then we hoped to follow that up with a strike using The Selected Writings Of Bertrand Russell. Our goal was, I confess, to disrupt the new Dark Age that appears to be descending on a worldwide basis.”
The prosecuting attorney outlined the government’s case, saying, “The confession of this self-styled humanist terrorist clearly indicates there was a clear intention to disrupt the deadly ignorance that pervades much of today’s society. Obviously, the group poses a threat to the widespread determination of much of the world’s population to return to a time so wonderfully ill-informed that it can truly be described as The Dark Ages come back.”
The families of the terrorists were startled by the arrests and continued to maintain that the suspects are innocent.
As one mother said, “My son is not a terrorist. He’s a good boy who somehow came to believe in radical ideas like truth and wisdom. If he’s freed on bail, I promise to limit his reading time.”
The leader of the group confided to the informant that the members planned to plant explosive books in various locations throughout the United States, including the Sears Tower, a number of FBI buildings, and radical Muslim mosques.
The humanist terrorist group had been operating out of the basement of an as yet undisclosed free public library in Miami. The FBI found plentiful evidence of the group’s plans, including many intelligent books generally considered to be easily accessible and therefore highly dangerous.
At a news conference held to announce the arrests, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales stated, “Fortunately, the plot by this home-grown terrorist cell was disrupted in the planning stages. The group was still trying to get funding to acquire a sufficient number of books.”
In a deposition, a spokesman for the humanist terrorists confessed, “We were planning to spread enlightenment wherever we could, so we selected two of the most informative and readable philosophy books of recent times, both by the leading but now deceased humanist terrorist Bertrand Russell. First, we were going to stage an attack with his landmark The History of Western Philosophy, just to provide people with an overview of our radical ideology. Then we hoped to follow that up with a strike using The Selected Writings Of Bertrand Russell. Our goal was, I confess, to disrupt the new Dark Age that appears to be descending on a worldwide basis.”
The prosecuting attorney outlined the government’s case, saying, “The confession of this self-styled humanist terrorist clearly indicates there was a clear intention to disrupt the deadly ignorance that pervades much of today’s society. Obviously, the group poses a threat to the widespread determination of much of the world’s population to return to a time so wonderfully ill-informed that it can truly be described as The Dark Ages come back.”
The families of the terrorists were startled by the arrests and continued to maintain that the suspects are innocent.
As one mother said, “My son is not a terrorist. He’s a good boy who somehow came to believe in radical ideas like truth and wisdom. If he’s freed on bail, I promise to limit his reading time.”
Gossip: What People Say About It
We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it. We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it.
What might one say under the influence of a confessional potion when asked, “Why do you always talk about other people?”
We imagined the reply, “Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself.”
Before we turn to the little basket of quotes we picked for you, we can also pass along a couple of our own consolations. One, it’s a lot better to be interesting enough to be talked about than to be the interested party who’s doing the talking. Two, gossip’s empty gambits take place in a playground, actually, on a seesaw. The child who delights to babble sees you way up there – the higher the better – and thinks that by putting you down he or she will put himself or herself up. Tada!
Now, we turn to what others have gossiped about it. It appears, not surprisingly, that brilliance has enlivened the subject only rarely.
“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.” George Bernard Shaw
“I know that’s a secret, for it’s whispered everywhere.” William Congreve
“They come together like the Coroner’s Inquest, to sit upon the murdered reputations of the week.” Congreve
“I hate to spread rumors, but what else can you do with them?” Amanda Lear
“If you haven’t got anything good to say about anyone come and sit by me.” Alice Roosevelt Longworth
“She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to squirt this mixture at all her friends.” Harold Nicolson
“I’m called away by particular business – but I leave my character behind me.” Richard Brinsley Sheridan
“Here is the whole set! A character dead at every word.” Same Sheridan
“There is only one thing in the world that is worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” Oscar Wilde
“A professional athlete – of the tongue.” Aldous Huxley
Social sewage.” George Meredith
“Foul whisperings.” William Shakespeare (Sometimes referrred to in gossip as Billy Wigglestick)
What might one say under the influence of a confessional potion when asked, “Why do you always talk about other people?”
We imagined the reply, “Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself.”
Before we turn to the little basket of quotes we picked for you, we can also pass along a couple of our own consolations. One, it’s a lot better to be interesting enough to be talked about than to be the interested party who’s doing the talking. Two, gossip’s empty gambits take place in a playground, actually, on a seesaw. The child who delights to babble sees you way up there – the higher the better – and thinks that by putting you down he or she will put himself or herself up. Tada!
Now, we turn to what others have gossiped about it. It appears, not surprisingly, that brilliance has enlivened the subject only rarely.
“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.” George Bernard Shaw
“I know that’s a secret, for it’s whispered everywhere.” William Congreve
“They come together like the Coroner’s Inquest, to sit upon the murdered reputations of the week.” Congreve
“I hate to spread rumors, but what else can you do with them?” Amanda Lear
“If you haven’t got anything good to say about anyone come and sit by me.” Alice Roosevelt Longworth
“She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to squirt this mixture at all her friends.” Harold Nicolson
“I’m called away by particular business – but I leave my character behind me.” Richard Brinsley Sheridan
“Here is the whole set! A character dead at every word.” Same Sheridan
“There is only one thing in the world that is worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” Oscar Wilde
“A professional athlete – of the tongue.” Aldous Huxley
Social sewage.” George Meredith
“Foul whisperings.” William Shakespeare (Sometimes referrred to in gossip as Billy Wigglestick)
Field Notes on Country Linguistics
As Suzy stammered, my ears perked up. For distraction I called out, “Hey Kathy, put on another pot of coffee.” Suzy spoke again. The fact is, gouging my own eyes out with a ketchup bottle would not have distracted me. A linguistic calamity was eminent.
The hair on the back of my neck stood up, then it ran from the room. I knew where Suzy was headed. Her speech was like watching a car accident. It all moved in slow motion. Every instinct in me said tear the phone from her hand before it's too late. But she had to learn to properly communicate with customers. Please Lord, I begged, don't let her say it. Then it happened. Suzy uttered the words, “We'll mam, I ain't fer sures on that.”
Across America, English professors collectively wept. My mind locked. How could she have said it again? She had been with our company four months. Still, there was hope. Okay, Lord, you're pretty funny, I sneered. Seriously, could her next words please be, “If you would not mind holding for one moment, I will find out the answer for you.” Ha! No such luck.
The gods hate me. After an awkward silence (while the caller and I shared an embolism), Suzy proceeded to take the customer’s order. Neither of them was any wiser for the experience. I stepped outside to meditate. Would I have to fire her? I was not fer sures on that?
You hear many endearing phrases in the county. I find, ‘a doins’ quite charming. Such as there's a doins at Bubba's tonight. Translated this means, festivities will take place at Bubba’s residence this evening.
‘Pert near’ is fun. Linguists translate this colorful twist on grammar as meaning, ‘almost’ not nearby. As in, pert near everybody ceptin that cidiot been told bout the rodeo. Meaning, almost everyone, except the new city idiot, was informed of the upcoming rodeo event.
Unfortunately, telling a high maintenance Dressage Equestrian (they are all high-maintenance), “Ya aint's fer sures on that,” translates as, “Hello, we are illiterate, so buy our product.” Following this with no offer to expand your knowledge and assist the customers says, “We may be illiterate, but that's ok. We also suck. Thank you and have a nice day.”
Tourists passing through the area have improperly translated another phrase. “What chya doin?” is often misinterpreted as the rhetorical “What's up?” or “What's happening?” Sadly, that is not its meaning. “What chya doin?” literally translates as, “What are you doing?" Confusion on this matter is based on timing.
“What chya doing?” is often asked when your activity could not be more blatantly obvious. For example: You're spreading cheese over flat dough topped with tomato sauce. Mountains of pepperoni are poised nearby. A stranger asks, “What chya doin?" Heads up: They literally have not connected the dots. Do not wisecrack, “Installing solar panels." Before you know it, you'll be explaining how green peppers affect your hot water supply.
Here in South Dakota low wages have brought in large numbers of Customer Service call centers. Airlines, finance companies, catalog sales, these types of companies coagulate around Rapid City. Lately there has been a lot of concern over competition from India. Apparently the population of India is highly educated and enunciates in a manner more understandable than that of South Dakotans. Americans, not having Hindi as the mother tongue, stand little chance. Still, there is a certain irony in residents of the Black Hills losing something to Indians. How many groups will that statement offend? I ain't fer sures on that.
The hair on the back of my neck stood up, then it ran from the room. I knew where Suzy was headed. Her speech was like watching a car accident. It all moved in slow motion. Every instinct in me said tear the phone from her hand before it's too late. But she had to learn to properly communicate with customers. Please Lord, I begged, don't let her say it. Then it happened. Suzy uttered the words, “We'll mam, I ain't fer sures on that.”
Across America, English professors collectively wept. My mind locked. How could she have said it again? She had been with our company four months. Still, there was hope. Okay, Lord, you're pretty funny, I sneered. Seriously, could her next words please be, “If you would not mind holding for one moment, I will find out the answer for you.” Ha! No such luck.
The gods hate me. After an awkward silence (while the caller and I shared an embolism), Suzy proceeded to take the customer’s order. Neither of them was any wiser for the experience. I stepped outside to meditate. Would I have to fire her? I was not fer sures on that?
You hear many endearing phrases in the county. I find, ‘a doins’ quite charming. Such as there's a doins at Bubba's tonight. Translated this means, festivities will take place at Bubba’s residence this evening.
‘Pert near’ is fun. Linguists translate this colorful twist on grammar as meaning, ‘almost’ not nearby. As in, pert near everybody ceptin that cidiot been told bout the rodeo. Meaning, almost everyone, except the new city idiot, was informed of the upcoming rodeo event.
Unfortunately, telling a high maintenance Dressage Equestrian (they are all high-maintenance), “Ya aint's fer sures on that,” translates as, “Hello, we are illiterate, so buy our product.” Following this with no offer to expand your knowledge and assist the customers says, “We may be illiterate, but that's ok. We also suck. Thank you and have a nice day.”
Tourists passing through the area have improperly translated another phrase. “What chya doin?” is often misinterpreted as the rhetorical “What's up?” or “What's happening?” Sadly, that is not its meaning. “What chya doin?” literally translates as, “What are you doing?" Confusion on this matter is based on timing.
“What chya doing?” is often asked when your activity could not be more blatantly obvious. For example: You're spreading cheese over flat dough topped with tomato sauce. Mountains of pepperoni are poised nearby. A stranger asks, “What chya doin?" Heads up: They literally have not connected the dots. Do not wisecrack, “Installing solar panels." Before you know it, you'll be explaining how green peppers affect your hot water supply.
Here in South Dakota low wages have brought in large numbers of Customer Service call centers. Airlines, finance companies, catalog sales, these types of companies coagulate around Rapid City. Lately there has been a lot of concern over competition from India. Apparently the population of India is highly educated and enunciates in a manner more understandable than that of South Dakotans. Americans, not having Hindi as the mother tongue, stand little chance. Still, there is a certain irony in residents of the Black Hills losing something to Indians. How many groups will that statement offend? I ain't fer sures on that.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
A Revised History Of Pasta
While Marco Polo, a Venetian, is generally given credit for discovering noodles in China, recent research suggests that Italian pasta in all its glorious varieties was actually discovered in Rome nearly a century earlier, and quite by accident, by a remarkably unlikely epicurean named Julius Amplonius, with the able assistance of an invading barbarian named Klunk, The Great.
The momentous event occurred one afternoon when this portly patrician was dining at a chic restaurant just off the Roman Forum. He was savoring a sip of red wine from Tuscany when a group of alarmed citizens came running by, screeching, “The barbarians are coming! The barbarians are coming!”
Amplonius had witnessed their arrival before, and by now he had made peace with the ancient wisdom, “Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may be out of food and wine.” It was by such Stoicism that the wise were able to witness the destruction of the Roman Empire while preserving a somewhat peaceful life. So, with a knowing smile, Julius simply raised his glass toward the fleeing crowd.
“What are you going to do, Julie, just sit there and eat?” a citizen who knew him quite well asked.
“Why not?” he replied. “I’m thirsty. Not to mention hungry.” With that, he indulged in another taste of the Tuscan red.
“You’re crazy!” a speeding friend called. “Run, Julie! Run!”
Just then a waitress who doubled as a temptress arrived with Julie’s lunch, which might be described as a plate of proto-pasta. It consisted of a flat, round piece of dough that hung just a bit over the margins of the plate. It had a baked tomato sitting in the middle of it, with a single chunk of parmesan cheese next to it, and around both was a wreath of fragrant basil leaves.
“Enjoy your plano,” she said, putting down the dish, for that is the name the proto-pasta was known by.
“Thank you, gorgeous,” Julius told her, and gave her a pinch.
“Oh, you silly man,” she replied, and, looking about, seemed nervous. “Can you do me a favor, love, and close out your bill now?”
“No problem, you sex kitten,” he said, and reached for his purse. He took out enough Roman coinage to include a generous tip. “Keep the change,” he told her, and pursed his lips expectantly.
“Thank you, sweetie,” she said, and gave him a luscious but ever-so-brief kiss. Then she hurried off after the other fleeing citizens.
Julius calmly picked up a knife and fork and began to eat his proto-pasta.
Just as he cut off and savored his first bite, in rushed a huge, fur-covered barbarian, with a leather shield and the fateful sword with which he would help Julius discover pasta in many of the varieties we enjoy to this day, from lasagna to angel hair.
“Uh!” he grunted, and raised his sword.
Julius continued to dine. “Uh! Uh!” the barbarian raged, for the sound “uh” comprised much of the everyday range of his proto-language. To attract the attention of the unperturbed diner, he swung his sword in a circle and just happened to whack off the head of a statue of the great Augustus. It crashed to the marble floor.
Julius couldn’t help but notice the decapitation and, placing a leaf of basil on his tongue, said, “That wasn’t very nice. I kind of liked that statue.”
The barbarian could not, of course, understand a word. In an effort to establish a bit of good will, at least long enough to allow him to finish his meal, Julius held up his bottle of wine. “Like some vino?”
“Huh-Uh!” the barbarian managed to say.
“Suit yourself,” Julie told him. “Got a name?”
The barbarian stared at him without comprehension.
“Name?” Julius repeated, pointing to himself and then at the barbarian to illustrate the point of his question.
“Klunk,” the barbarian said.
“I might have guessed,” Julius commented.
“Klunk, The Great,” the barbarian continued, with some intellectual effort.
“Good for you,” Julius told him, and put out his hand. “I’m Julius, The Roman, also known as Julie, The Ample. Have a seat.”
“Huh-uh! I am conqueror – conqueror of Rome!” Klunk managed to say.
“Good for you!” Julie told him, and couldn’t resist asking the most challenging question. “Are you sure you can afford the upkeep? It’s an expensive city to maintain.”
“What is upkeep?” Klunk wanted to know.
“You’ll find out,” Julius advised him. “Now, come on. Have a seat. You’ve had a hard day.” Then he pointed to his dish and indicated a reluctant willingness to share some of his food. “And enjoy some plano.”
Klunk looked down at the plate, and asked, “What is plano?”
“You don't know?” Julie inquired. “Where have you been?”
“Other side of the Alps,” Klunk managed to get out.
“Oh, no wonder,” Julie replied, and decided to educate the deprived soul. “See. This is a plate. Ever hear of a plate?”
“Plate?”
“Instead of eating off the table, or the ground, you eat off of a plate.”
“Uh,” Klunk said, with apparent understanding.
“Now, on the plate we put a flat piece of boiled dough, called plano,” Julius continued, lifting up the edge with his fork to demonstrate. “Then we put all kinds of goodies on top of it. In this case, a tomato, a piece of cheese, and basil leaves.”
“Uh-huh.” Klunk acknowledged.
“All you do is take a knife and fork,” Julius explained, picking the utensils up slowly, so Klunk wouldn’t mistake his intentions and send his head rolling the way of the great Augustus’s marble head. “Then you cut off a piece.” He went through the process and took a bite. “Ah, delicious! Sure you won’t have any?”
“Uh-huh,” Klunk said, holding his ground, and repeated with some effort, “Plano.”
“Excellent!” Julius exclaimed. “You'll be a true Roman in no time!”
“Klunk – a Roman?” the barbarian responded, visibly insulted, and raised his sword high above Julius. Then, unexpectedly, he brought the sword down on the plate and cut the plano right in half. “Now, what do you call it?” he was somehow able to ask.
Julius looked down at the two half-moons, and said, “I think I’ll call that one big agnolotti.” Then he took another sip of wine and smiled at Klunk.
Incensed at his inability to frighten Julius, he raised his sword again and whacked the plate three or four times. “What do you call it now?”
Julius examined it, and said, “This I’ll call lasagne.” With that, he took a bite and savored it.
Now furious, Klunk attacked the plate repeatedly, and demanded, “What do you call it now?”
Julius, despite his indifference to fate, was a bit shaken by all the clatter, and said, “I will name it linguine.”
Needless to say, Klunk swung his sword at the plate with an unprecedented volley of strokes. “What is it now?”
Julius examined the mishmash on his plate. By now, the plano was cut into thin strips, the tomato was diced, and the cheese was grated. After some deliberation, Julius announced, “You made what I will call spaghetti.” Still remaining remarkably calm, at least on the exterior, Julius took his fork and wound some spaghetti around it. Then he took a bite. “Delicious! And fun, too,” he told Klunk.
Enraged at his seemingly imperturbable true Roman, the barbarian now slashed at the contents of the plate until his arms were a veritable blur. Then, short of breath, he sighed, “Tell me what you name that.”
Julius looked closely at the mayhem in his plate. Now, the pasta was as thin as he could imagine it, and the tomato sauce, cheese, and basil were all mixed together. “It is so thin I think I will name it angel hair.”
Klunk became unexpectedly curious and bent toward Julius. “Angel hair? What for? You no angel. You fat Roman.”
Considering how finely the plano was now sliced, Julius could not imagine how much longer it could invite the attentions of Klunk and imagined that his own neck might well be the next object of the barbarian’s fury. Ever the clever Roman, he noticed that, as a result of Klunk’s exertion, his tummy was showing a bit.
Julie was, of course, also aware of the legendary weakness of the barbarian shield, as opposed to the metal shield that accounted for much of the impenetrability of the storied Roman phalanx.
So he pretended to move his knife toward the last remaining decent-size piece of tomato, saying, “No, my friend, I am not an angel.” With that, he quickly stabbed the somewhat exhausted Klunk, and added, “But you’re about to become one.”
Klunk looked down at his sudden, fatal wound with shock and fell to the ground with a thud. His head knocked the table and, if Julius’s hands weren’t so quick, the movement would have upset his glass of wine.
Leaning back and enjoying a sip, he said, “I think I’m gonna call all these things I discovered after my beautiful girlfriend, Pastina.” Then he rolled a bit on his fork and indulged in another mouthful, musing, “I just love Pastina.”
All the names Julius invented that day, with the undoubted help of the ill-fated barbarian Klunk, have come down through the centuries without alteration, except for the categorical appellation, which usage would eventually abbreviate to the more familiar word “pasta.”
The momentous event occurred one afternoon when this portly patrician was dining at a chic restaurant just off the Roman Forum. He was savoring a sip of red wine from Tuscany when a group of alarmed citizens came running by, screeching, “The barbarians are coming! The barbarians are coming!”
Amplonius had witnessed their arrival before, and by now he had made peace with the ancient wisdom, “Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may be out of food and wine.” It was by such Stoicism that the wise were able to witness the destruction of the Roman Empire while preserving a somewhat peaceful life. So, with a knowing smile, Julius simply raised his glass toward the fleeing crowd.
“What are you going to do, Julie, just sit there and eat?” a citizen who knew him quite well asked.
“Why not?” he replied. “I’m thirsty. Not to mention hungry.” With that, he indulged in another taste of the Tuscan red.
“You’re crazy!” a speeding friend called. “Run, Julie! Run!”
Just then a waitress who doubled as a temptress arrived with Julie’s lunch, which might be described as a plate of proto-pasta. It consisted of a flat, round piece of dough that hung just a bit over the margins of the plate. It had a baked tomato sitting in the middle of it, with a single chunk of parmesan cheese next to it, and around both was a wreath of fragrant basil leaves.
“Enjoy your plano,” she said, putting down the dish, for that is the name the proto-pasta was known by.
“Thank you, gorgeous,” Julius told her, and gave her a pinch.
“Oh, you silly man,” she replied, and, looking about, seemed nervous. “Can you do me a favor, love, and close out your bill now?”
“No problem, you sex kitten,” he said, and reached for his purse. He took out enough Roman coinage to include a generous tip. “Keep the change,” he told her, and pursed his lips expectantly.
“Thank you, sweetie,” she said, and gave him a luscious but ever-so-brief kiss. Then she hurried off after the other fleeing citizens.
Julius calmly picked up a knife and fork and began to eat his proto-pasta.
Just as he cut off and savored his first bite, in rushed a huge, fur-covered barbarian, with a leather shield and the fateful sword with which he would help Julius discover pasta in many of the varieties we enjoy to this day, from lasagna to angel hair.
“Uh!” he grunted, and raised his sword.
Julius continued to dine. “Uh! Uh!” the barbarian raged, for the sound “uh” comprised much of the everyday range of his proto-language. To attract the attention of the unperturbed diner, he swung his sword in a circle and just happened to whack off the head of a statue of the great Augustus. It crashed to the marble floor.
Julius couldn’t help but notice the decapitation and, placing a leaf of basil on his tongue, said, “That wasn’t very nice. I kind of liked that statue.”
The barbarian could not, of course, understand a word. In an effort to establish a bit of good will, at least long enough to allow him to finish his meal, Julius held up his bottle of wine. “Like some vino?”
“Huh-Uh!” the barbarian managed to say.
“Suit yourself,” Julie told him. “Got a name?”
The barbarian stared at him without comprehension.
“Name?” Julius repeated, pointing to himself and then at the barbarian to illustrate the point of his question.
“Klunk,” the barbarian said.
“I might have guessed,” Julius commented.
“Klunk, The Great,” the barbarian continued, with some intellectual effort.
“Good for you,” Julius told him, and put out his hand. “I’m Julius, The Roman, also known as Julie, The Ample. Have a seat.”
“Huh-uh! I am conqueror – conqueror of Rome!” Klunk managed to say.
“Good for you!” Julie told him, and couldn’t resist asking the most challenging question. “Are you sure you can afford the upkeep? It’s an expensive city to maintain.”
“What is upkeep?” Klunk wanted to know.
“You’ll find out,” Julius advised him. “Now, come on. Have a seat. You’ve had a hard day.” Then he pointed to his dish and indicated a reluctant willingness to share some of his food. “And enjoy some plano.”
Klunk looked down at the plate, and asked, “What is plano?”
“You don't know?” Julie inquired. “Where have you been?”
“Other side of the Alps,” Klunk managed to get out.
“Oh, no wonder,” Julie replied, and decided to educate the deprived soul. “See. This is a plate. Ever hear of a plate?”
“Plate?”
“Instead of eating off the table, or the ground, you eat off of a plate.”
“Uh,” Klunk said, with apparent understanding.
“Now, on the plate we put a flat piece of boiled dough, called plano,” Julius continued, lifting up the edge with his fork to demonstrate. “Then we put all kinds of goodies on top of it. In this case, a tomato, a piece of cheese, and basil leaves.”
“Uh-huh.” Klunk acknowledged.
“All you do is take a knife and fork,” Julius explained, picking the utensils up slowly, so Klunk wouldn’t mistake his intentions and send his head rolling the way of the great Augustus’s marble head. “Then you cut off a piece.” He went through the process and took a bite. “Ah, delicious! Sure you won’t have any?”
“Uh-huh,” Klunk said, holding his ground, and repeated with some effort, “Plano.”
“Excellent!” Julius exclaimed. “You'll be a true Roman in no time!”
“Klunk – a Roman?” the barbarian responded, visibly insulted, and raised his sword high above Julius. Then, unexpectedly, he brought the sword down on the plate and cut the plano right in half. “Now, what do you call it?” he was somehow able to ask.
Julius looked down at the two half-moons, and said, “I think I’ll call that one big agnolotti.” Then he took another sip of wine and smiled at Klunk.
Incensed at his inability to frighten Julius, he raised his sword again and whacked the plate three or four times. “What do you call it now?”
Julius examined it, and said, “This I’ll call lasagne.” With that, he took a bite and savored it.
Now furious, Klunk attacked the plate repeatedly, and demanded, “What do you call it now?”
Julius, despite his indifference to fate, was a bit shaken by all the clatter, and said, “I will name it linguine.”
Needless to say, Klunk swung his sword at the plate with an unprecedented volley of strokes. “What is it now?”
Julius examined the mishmash on his plate. By now, the plano was cut into thin strips, the tomato was diced, and the cheese was grated. After some deliberation, Julius announced, “You made what I will call spaghetti.” Still remaining remarkably calm, at least on the exterior, Julius took his fork and wound some spaghetti around it. Then he took a bite. “Delicious! And fun, too,” he told Klunk.
Enraged at his seemingly imperturbable true Roman, the barbarian now slashed at the contents of the plate until his arms were a veritable blur. Then, short of breath, he sighed, “Tell me what you name that.”
Julius looked closely at the mayhem in his plate. Now, the pasta was as thin as he could imagine it, and the tomato sauce, cheese, and basil were all mixed together. “It is so thin I think I will name it angel hair.”
Klunk became unexpectedly curious and bent toward Julius. “Angel hair? What for? You no angel. You fat Roman.”
Considering how finely the plano was now sliced, Julius could not imagine how much longer it could invite the attentions of Klunk and imagined that his own neck might well be the next object of the barbarian’s fury. Ever the clever Roman, he noticed that, as a result of Klunk’s exertion, his tummy was showing a bit.
Julie was, of course, also aware of the legendary weakness of the barbarian shield, as opposed to the metal shield that accounted for much of the impenetrability of the storied Roman phalanx.
So he pretended to move his knife toward the last remaining decent-size piece of tomato, saying, “No, my friend, I am not an angel.” With that, he quickly stabbed the somewhat exhausted Klunk, and added, “But you’re about to become one.”
Klunk looked down at his sudden, fatal wound with shock and fell to the ground with a thud. His head knocked the table and, if Julius’s hands weren’t so quick, the movement would have upset his glass of wine.
Leaning back and enjoying a sip, he said, “I think I’m gonna call all these things I discovered after my beautiful girlfriend, Pastina.” Then he rolled a bit on his fork and indulged in another mouthful, musing, “I just love Pastina.”
All the names Julius invented that day, with the undoubted help of the ill-fated barbarian Klunk, have come down through the centuries without alteration, except for the categorical appellation, which usage would eventually abbreviate to the more familiar word “pasta.”
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
A Moving Experience
I’ve found a cool apartment! Okay, okay…so it’s not perfect. Just a few bugs. I mean literally! First expense? An exterminator! Is it worth the cash? Well, I can’t afford a more expensive place, so a one-time (please!) cash outlay should be okay. Maybe just a can of “Raid?”
I need a way to move my stuff. Daddy, can I borrow your truck? You don’t have one? Why not? Do you want one? I’ll help you pick it out! Well, it was just a suggestion. No need to get all bent out of shape! I guess I’d better call the truck rental places. What do you mean…$200…PLUS mileage? AND Gas? Good grief!
While I’m on the phone I’ll call the utility and phone companies. Yes, I know I haven’t used your services before. No, I don’t have a credit card; this is my first place. You want what? A $100 deposit? For EACH? Holy cow…do you people have a license to steal?
Daddy, I need $500 for moving expenses! I used all my money for the first and last months rent AND the damage deposit. Well, how was I to know this was going to be so expensive? Sell something? Daaaaad…I NEED my TV!
Boy, this place is pretty empty. Maybe I should buy a couch and a chair. Nah…I have my bed. That’ll be good enough. I don’t need a table; I’ll just use this box.
Renters Insurance? I don’t think so! What do I have to insure?
Just got my first phone call! I’d love to come to your party! Daddy, I need a car. Because it’s too far to walk to work, that’s why. Umm, Daddy…there’s car insurance too! Thanks, Dad…you’re the best! And gas? I didn’t think so…
Time for dinner. Let’s look in these boxes. Oh, No! No dishes or pans. No FOOD!
Uhhh, Mom?
I need a way to move my stuff. Daddy, can I borrow your truck? You don’t have one? Why not? Do you want one? I’ll help you pick it out! Well, it was just a suggestion. No need to get all bent out of shape! I guess I’d better call the truck rental places. What do you mean…$200…PLUS mileage? AND Gas? Good grief!
While I’m on the phone I’ll call the utility and phone companies. Yes, I know I haven’t used your services before. No, I don’t have a credit card; this is my first place. You want what? A $100 deposit? For EACH? Holy cow…do you people have a license to steal?
Daddy, I need $500 for moving expenses! I used all my money for the first and last months rent AND the damage deposit. Well, how was I to know this was going to be so expensive? Sell something? Daaaaad…I NEED my TV!
Boy, this place is pretty empty. Maybe I should buy a couch and a chair. Nah…I have my bed. That’ll be good enough. I don’t need a table; I’ll just use this box.
Renters Insurance? I don’t think so! What do I have to insure?
Just got my first phone call! I’d love to come to your party! Daddy, I need a car. Because it’s too far to walk to work, that’s why. Umm, Daddy…there’s car insurance too! Thanks, Dad…you’re the best! And gas? I didn’t think so…
Time for dinner. Let’s look in these boxes. Oh, No! No dishes or pans. No FOOD!
Uhhh, Mom?
Monday, December 28, 2009
New Cause of High Blood Pressure Revealed; Expecting Logical Behavior
A new study in The New England Journal Of Medicine reveals that one of the principal causes of high-blood pressure in the contemporary world is logical thinking.
A researcher commented on the surprise finding, saying, “Look it’s basically an illogical world out there. So the more you try to deal with it logically, the more upset you’re bound to become – and up shoots your blood pressure. We found that, when we convince patients to give up interfacing with the world with the expectations that logical thinking sets up, they immediately become far more relaxed and, as a result, their blood pressure drops, often returning to normal levels.”
When asked if there might be other undiscovered factors that contribute to high blood pressure, he said, “Oh, absolutely. For instance, we’ve got a study in the works right now on that insidious culprit, sensitivity.”
“Sensitivity?” we asked.
“Yes,” he went on, “You see the modern world, especially as we interface with it through the mass media and frequently in corporate life, appears wildly insensitive to our individual wishes, so the more sensitive you are, the more likely it is to upset you. So we’re looking into how we can condition people to feel less, at least, when dealing with larger entities.”
“What about sensitivity in our personal lives? Is that still OK?”
“Well, I’d like to think so. But, since many domestic spats lead to higher blood pressure, we’re also considering a study to determine the benefits of reducing sensitivity in personal life.”
“But what good is it,” we inquired, “to have normal blood pressure if you’re determined to be illogical and insensitive?”
“Well, that’s part of the problem. In some ways, the cure may be worse than the disease. Of course, the ultimate way to lower your blood pressure is to die, but we don’t see that as a viable area for a long-term study.”
A researcher commented on the surprise finding, saying, “Look it’s basically an illogical world out there. So the more you try to deal with it logically, the more upset you’re bound to become – and up shoots your blood pressure. We found that, when we convince patients to give up interfacing with the world with the expectations that logical thinking sets up, they immediately become far more relaxed and, as a result, their blood pressure drops, often returning to normal levels.”
When asked if there might be other undiscovered factors that contribute to high blood pressure, he said, “Oh, absolutely. For instance, we’ve got a study in the works right now on that insidious culprit, sensitivity.”
“Sensitivity?” we asked.
“Yes,” he went on, “You see the modern world, especially as we interface with it through the mass media and frequently in corporate life, appears wildly insensitive to our individual wishes, so the more sensitive you are, the more likely it is to upset you. So we’re looking into how we can condition people to feel less, at least, when dealing with larger entities.”
“What about sensitivity in our personal lives? Is that still OK?”
“Well, I’d like to think so. But, since many domestic spats lead to higher blood pressure, we’re also considering a study to determine the benefits of reducing sensitivity in personal life.”
“But what good is it,” we inquired, “to have normal blood pressure if you’re determined to be illogical and insensitive?”
“Well, that’s part of the problem. In some ways, the cure may be worse than the disease. Of course, the ultimate way to lower your blood pressure is to die, but we don’t see that as a viable area for a long-term study.”
Birds of a Feather
Birds of a Feather
1. Which is not a group term for birds?
A. Flock
B. Flight
C. Volery
D. Swarm
D. Swarm
TBD: Various insects can collectively be called a swarm but not birds!
2. Which of these is a fear of birds?
A. Alektorophobia
B. Astraphobia
C. Ornithophobia
D. Ouranophobia
C. Ornithophobia
TBD: Although alektorophobia was close, that is a fear of chickens! Astraphobia is the fear of lightning and Ouranophobia is the fear of heaven!
3. Which bird is NOT a bird of prey?
A. Falcon
B. Francolin
C. Hobby
D. Kestrel
B. Francolin
TBD: Any of various Eurasian or African birds of the genus Francolinus, related to and resembling the quails and partridges, which are actually the intended victims of birds of prey!
4. What is the collective name for crows?
A. A murder
B. A clutch
C. A clutter
D. A Sleuth
A. A murder
TBD: You can have a clutch of chicks, a clutter of cats, and a sleuth of bears, if anyone was wondering.
5. What is the largest living species of bird?
A. Condor
B. Eagle
C. Ostrich
D. Emu
C. Ostrich
TBD: Did you know they are omnivorous, eating grass, foliage, and any small animals they can chase down?
6. The Trochildae family of birds shares what trait?
A. They are the smallest birds
B. They are flightless birds
C. They are birds of prey
D. They are featherless birds
A. They are the smallest birds
TBD: This family includes the hummingbird.
7. Which is NOT a proper name for a group of ducks?
A. Brace
B. Flock
C. Skein
D. Team
C. Skein
TBD: Actually that was pretty tricky as you can have a skein of geese…
8. How many eyelids do birds have?
A. None
B. One
C. Two
D. Three
D. Three
TBD: They have an upper lid resembling that of humans, a lower lid that closes when a bird sleeps, and a third lid, called a nictitating membrane, that sweeps across the eye sideways, starting from the side near the beak. This lid is a thin, translucent fold of skin that moistens and cleans the eye and protects it from wind and bright light.
9. Seabirds have the longest migration patterns. How long can these trips get?
A. 20,000 miles
B. 10,000 miles
C. 5,000 miles
D. 1,000 miles
A. 20,000 miles
TBD: That's further than many humans travel in their lifetime!
10. Can you guess how many known species of birds there are?
A. 100
B. 1,000
C. 10,000
D. 100,000
C. 10,000
TBD: This includes all modern or recently extinct species.
1. Which is not a group term for birds?
A. Flock
B. Flight
C. Volery
D. Swarm
D. Swarm
TBD: Various insects can collectively be called a swarm but not birds!
2. Which of these is a fear of birds?
A. Alektorophobia
B. Astraphobia
C. Ornithophobia
D. Ouranophobia
C. Ornithophobia
TBD: Although alektorophobia was close, that is a fear of chickens! Astraphobia is the fear of lightning and Ouranophobia is the fear of heaven!
3. Which bird is NOT a bird of prey?
A. Falcon
B. Francolin
C. Hobby
D. Kestrel
B. Francolin
TBD: Any of various Eurasian or African birds of the genus Francolinus, related to and resembling the quails and partridges, which are actually the intended victims of birds of prey!
4. What is the collective name for crows?
A. A murder
B. A clutch
C. A clutter
D. A Sleuth
A. A murder
TBD: You can have a clutch of chicks, a clutter of cats, and a sleuth of bears, if anyone was wondering.
5. What is the largest living species of bird?
A. Condor
B. Eagle
C. Ostrich
D. Emu
C. Ostrich
TBD: Did you know they are omnivorous, eating grass, foliage, and any small animals they can chase down?
6. The Trochildae family of birds shares what trait?
A. They are the smallest birds
B. They are flightless birds
C. They are birds of prey
D. They are featherless birds
A. They are the smallest birds
TBD: This family includes the hummingbird.
7. Which is NOT a proper name for a group of ducks?
A. Brace
B. Flock
C. Skein
D. Team
C. Skein
TBD: Actually that was pretty tricky as you can have a skein of geese…
8. How many eyelids do birds have?
A. None
B. One
C. Two
D. Three
D. Three
TBD: They have an upper lid resembling that of humans, a lower lid that closes when a bird sleeps, and a third lid, called a nictitating membrane, that sweeps across the eye sideways, starting from the side near the beak. This lid is a thin, translucent fold of skin that moistens and cleans the eye and protects it from wind and bright light.
9. Seabirds have the longest migration patterns. How long can these trips get?
A. 20,000 miles
B. 10,000 miles
C. 5,000 miles
D. 1,000 miles
A. 20,000 miles
TBD: That's further than many humans travel in their lifetime!
10. Can you guess how many known species of birds there are?
A. 100
B. 1,000
C. 10,000
D. 100,000
C. 10,000
TBD: This includes all modern or recently extinct species.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Why
Many articles supply answers, but here I do not. Here, I ask the questions. If you want to rack your brains for finding the answers to these life conundrums. But, I warn you. Beware. These are not easy, and though somewhat hilarious and funny, they are real and true to life.
Should I begin? Ok, here I go:
1) How come Tarzan has no bears even though he grows up with wolves in the jungle?
2) Why does glue not stick to the insides of the tube or can that it comes in?
3) Why do they use sterile injections when executing someone who is condemned to death?
4) Why do we press down harder and harder or the remote controls even though we know that the batteries are low?
5) Why is it that when someone hits us in the ankles with his supermarket trolley and then appologizes, do we say that everything is ok? I mean, things are not really fine. Why is it that we do not say that it hurts?
6) Why is it that whatever the color of the bath soap, the bubbles are always white?
7) Why is it that you will never find a day when mattresses are not on sale?
8) Why is it that online casinos always offer big prize money for their tournaments but never reveal the real name of the winner after the competition is over?
9) If human beings evolved from monkeys, why is it that there still are monkeys?
10) Why did the Japanese Kamikaze pilots wear helmets during the second World War?
11) Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest but, then, duck when the empty gun is thrown at him.
12) Why do banks charge a commission when you go into debt even though they know that there is no money in that account?
13) Why do people go back again and again to the refrigerator hoping that something new to eat will appear there?
14) Why do people move their vacuum cleaner over a thin thread lying on the floor, bend down, pick it up, examine it, and then, place it on the floor again and move the vacuum over it again?
15) Why do people believe it when they are told that there are more than four billion stars, but when they see a sign that says wet paint, they have to touch and check?
16) Why does a plastic bag not open at the end where you first try to open it?
17) Why do you never hear jokes about father in laws?
18) Why are there dead insects inside enclosed electric lamps?
19) Why is it that in winter we try and keep the house as warm as it was during the summer when back in the summer we hated the heat?
20) Why is it that every time you try and catch something that is about to fall off the table, you always hit something else and drop that instead?
Conclusion:
Life has many oddities and conundrums: some funny, some less. I have mentioned but a few. Think of more? Send them to me.
Should I begin? Ok, here I go:
1) How come Tarzan has no bears even though he grows up with wolves in the jungle?
2) Why does glue not stick to the insides of the tube or can that it comes in?
3) Why do they use sterile injections when executing someone who is condemned to death?
4) Why do we press down harder and harder or the remote controls even though we know that the batteries are low?
5) Why is it that when someone hits us in the ankles with his supermarket trolley and then appologizes, do we say that everything is ok? I mean, things are not really fine. Why is it that we do not say that it hurts?
6) Why is it that whatever the color of the bath soap, the bubbles are always white?
7) Why is it that you will never find a day when mattresses are not on sale?
8) Why is it that online casinos always offer big prize money for their tournaments but never reveal the real name of the winner after the competition is over?
9) If human beings evolved from monkeys, why is it that there still are monkeys?
10) Why did the Japanese Kamikaze pilots wear helmets during the second World War?
11) Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest but, then, duck when the empty gun is thrown at him.
12) Why do banks charge a commission when you go into debt even though they know that there is no money in that account?
13) Why do people go back again and again to the refrigerator hoping that something new to eat will appear there?
14) Why do people move their vacuum cleaner over a thin thread lying on the floor, bend down, pick it up, examine it, and then, place it on the floor again and move the vacuum over it again?
15) Why do people believe it when they are told that there are more than four billion stars, but when they see a sign that says wet paint, they have to touch and check?
16) Why does a plastic bag not open at the end where you first try to open it?
17) Why do you never hear jokes about father in laws?
18) Why are there dead insects inside enclosed electric lamps?
19) Why is it that in winter we try and keep the house as warm as it was during the summer when back in the summer we hated the heat?
20) Why is it that every time you try and catch something that is about to fall off the table, you always hit something else and drop that instead?
Conclusion:
Life has many oddities and conundrums: some funny, some less. I have mentioned but a few. Think of more? Send them to me.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Where's There's Three
Grandma made a major decision the other day. She had been ponderin and ponderin how to deal with her three little darlins in the best way possible. She finally decided since there were three of them, maybe there should be three of her. Yep, Grandma decided she’d split her personality into three personalities and become three in one. Who knows? Even that Miss Ophrie might come a callin to her door and a wantin to meet them three in one.
So Grandma had to decide which three personalities she’d be. She thought about the girlies’ favorites, but she didn’t know what no Lindsay Lahon, Hannah Montana, Dora the Explorer, Taylor Hicks, Paula Abdul, Hillary Duff, or even Polly Pockets might be all about. So Grandma just fell back on her old tried and true personalities—some that she knew real, real good!
For starters, Grandma thought it might be a good idea to start the day off with her Shirley Temple personality. After all, her little sweeties couldn’t even be that sweet theirselfs. Grandma thought she could get that nice Miss Cindy down at the Roffler Shop to put them Shirley Temple curls all over her head. Then she’d find herself some big fancy candy shop and git her the biggest, stripedest lollipop that’s ever been made. Grandma’s old knees got to knockin when she slipped right into her Shirley Temple stand-out dress with her crinoline slip peekin out from the bottom. Grandma even brought out an old pair of Shirley Temple black patent leathers to complete her new personality.
Needless to say, when Grandma Shirley Temple walked in to model her new personality to her babies, they all went to screamin and a laughin and callin Grandma a silly goose. That, of course, was before they spied the giant lollipop, and then they started to grabbin and callin claims to that big beauty with so much enthusiasm they crushed the candy part and sent the stick part a sailin through the air until it landed straight up and down in Grandpa’s glasses (which he’d just put on to see who that cute little doll in the Shirley Temple curls was). Fortunately for him, he didn’t have ‘em on long enough to see Grandma a pullin just bout ever one of them curls straight out.
So, on to the next personality. Grandma thought she’d make a perfect Annie Oakley. Gittin a big ole hat over what was left of them curls was not too much trouble, but when Grandma put them spurs on her brogans she wound up scratchin up her brand new hardwood floors that Grandpa had just laid.
Grandma didn’t have no cowgirl vest so she just grabbed the chenille bedspread, and it almost went all way around her to be the purtiest vest any cowgirl ever saw. Last, Grandma strapped her gun and holster set (who knows where it came from?) round her hips. Then she picked up the babies’ jump rope and started to twirling that rope and a lassoing right there in front of that television set where them babies was glued to some show called Deal or No Deal.
It took ‘em a minute to notice Annie (aka Grandma), but when they did, they went to grabbin and callin claims on them there guns on Annie’s hips. Whoa! Grandma couldn’t let them sweeties get their hands on no guns so she thought real fast and with all her might and her sharp-shooter’s eye, she slung them guns straight for the sink full of dirty dishes. She knowed them girls wouldn’t go nowhere near dirty dishes, and she was right. The next thing she heard was, “No deal!”
Well, Grandma was now left with her choice of a third personality. There was no question which one that would be. Grandma got her lipstick out and drawed her biggest, reddest Joan Crawford smile anybody had ever seen. Yep, Grandma was gonna be a perfect Mommy Dearest. To tell you what happened next would be too scary, but Grandma’ll tell you in a heartbeat that her babies won’t go near the closet no more, and they keep awakin up in the middle of the night screamin something she can’t understand about coat hangers.
Grandma tried. Grandma failed. Now Grandma will just be Grandma, but she still wonders what would have happened if she’d just made her experiment a little easier and split into the Three Stooges instead. (Bomp, slap, thump!!)
So Grandma had to decide which three personalities she’d be. She thought about the girlies’ favorites, but she didn’t know what no Lindsay Lahon, Hannah Montana, Dora the Explorer, Taylor Hicks, Paula Abdul, Hillary Duff, or even Polly Pockets might be all about. So Grandma just fell back on her old tried and true personalities—some that she knew real, real good!
For starters, Grandma thought it might be a good idea to start the day off with her Shirley Temple personality. After all, her little sweeties couldn’t even be that sweet theirselfs. Grandma thought she could get that nice Miss Cindy down at the Roffler Shop to put them Shirley Temple curls all over her head. Then she’d find herself some big fancy candy shop and git her the biggest, stripedest lollipop that’s ever been made. Grandma’s old knees got to knockin when she slipped right into her Shirley Temple stand-out dress with her crinoline slip peekin out from the bottom. Grandma even brought out an old pair of Shirley Temple black patent leathers to complete her new personality.
Needless to say, when Grandma Shirley Temple walked in to model her new personality to her babies, they all went to screamin and a laughin and callin Grandma a silly goose. That, of course, was before they spied the giant lollipop, and then they started to grabbin and callin claims to that big beauty with so much enthusiasm they crushed the candy part and sent the stick part a sailin through the air until it landed straight up and down in Grandpa’s glasses (which he’d just put on to see who that cute little doll in the Shirley Temple curls was). Fortunately for him, he didn’t have ‘em on long enough to see Grandma a pullin just bout ever one of them curls straight out.
So, on to the next personality. Grandma thought she’d make a perfect Annie Oakley. Gittin a big ole hat over what was left of them curls was not too much trouble, but when Grandma put them spurs on her brogans she wound up scratchin up her brand new hardwood floors that Grandpa had just laid.
Grandma didn’t have no cowgirl vest so she just grabbed the chenille bedspread, and it almost went all way around her to be the purtiest vest any cowgirl ever saw. Last, Grandma strapped her gun and holster set (who knows where it came from?) round her hips. Then she picked up the babies’ jump rope and started to twirling that rope and a lassoing right there in front of that television set where them babies was glued to some show called Deal or No Deal.
It took ‘em a minute to notice Annie (aka Grandma), but when they did, they went to grabbin and callin claims on them there guns on Annie’s hips. Whoa! Grandma couldn’t let them sweeties get their hands on no guns so she thought real fast and with all her might and her sharp-shooter’s eye, she slung them guns straight for the sink full of dirty dishes. She knowed them girls wouldn’t go nowhere near dirty dishes, and she was right. The next thing she heard was, “No deal!”
Well, Grandma was now left with her choice of a third personality. There was no question which one that would be. Grandma got her lipstick out and drawed her biggest, reddest Joan Crawford smile anybody had ever seen. Yep, Grandma was gonna be a perfect Mommy Dearest. To tell you what happened next would be too scary, but Grandma’ll tell you in a heartbeat that her babies won’t go near the closet no more, and they keep awakin up in the middle of the night screamin something she can’t understand about coat hangers.
Grandma tried. Grandma failed. Now Grandma will just be Grandma, but she still wonders what would have happened if she’d just made her experiment a little easier and split into the Three Stooges instead. (Bomp, slap, thump!!)
Warning: This Article is a Waste of Time
Today's topic, ladies and gentleman, is: Time. We're going to talk about time today because I never seem to have enough of it. And I figure that if I dedicate a whole article to the subject of time and stress some of it's finer points, then perhaps Father Time will show his appreciation by granting me a few extra hours each day. This will allow me to be able to complete a couple more important tasks each day such as hitting the 'Snooze' button on my alarm clock at least 15 more times each morning. And speaking of snoozing, there will be none of that during today's lesson which will begin right now:
Time is defined by the The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language as: 'A nonspatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past through the present to the future.' This definition leads us to the obvious question: If a definition contains 20 word, 5 of which contain 10 or more letters, and it still doesn't make much sense, isn't it time to get another dictionary?
Of course, dictionaries aren't the only people who have trouble with time. The ancient Mayans, for example, struggled to understand time for centuries and never got it quite right. One look at their calender clues you in to this fact. The Mayan calender had 18 months, one of which was called ChikChan (short for May), and each month had 20 days. There was even one month, Wayeb, that had only 5 days. As you can imagine, this horribly inaccurate calender made scheduling important events like the Super Bowl next to impossible. It also left them wide open to insults from other ancient civilizations, like the Sumerians for example, who had fairly accurate calenders.
The Sumerian calender had 365 days per year and even incorporated a leap year. Sadly, there was no Presidents Day, Martin Luther King Day, or Arbor Day incorporated into the Sumerian calender which is why the Sumerian civilization was eventually wiped out. Such flagrant calender discrimination, even in the Dark Ages, could not be tolerated.
Since we have covered all pertinent information available about calenders, I think it's high time we expand our understanding of time by discussing another mechanism by which we mortals judge the passing of it. But first, does anyone know where the phrase 'high time' comes from? Is there such a thing as 'low time'. Feel free to ponder these questions quietly as we move on to discussing: The Clock.
A clock, for those of you who don't know, is defined by The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language as...Wait a second! Let's not even go there. We're already pretty confused as it is. Let's just all agree that a clock is a device that has lots of numbers and two arms and makes it's living by juggling minutes and seconds.
I feel the extreme need to insert a time cliche here. This cliche makes absolutely no sense whatsoever and probably has pagan, barbaric origins, but I think it summarizes what we've learned thus far in our discussion. So here goes our first time cliche 'A stitch in time saves nine'. And now back to the show.
There have been numerous different kinds of clocks throughout history. Many of them made absolutely no sense whatsoever. A good example of this is the ancient Egyptian water clock, which was basically just a bowl with a hole in the bottom of it. There were markings on the inside of the bowl that measured the passage of 'hours' as the water level reached them. One of the obvious problems with this clock was the fact that whenever working-class Egyptians wanted to get off work early they would keep taking little sips of water from the bowl/clock throughout the day. This was one of the reasons it took so long to finish the Pyramids.That and the lack of power tools.
Time doesn't permit us to talk about the other types of ancient clocks like obelisks, sundials, and hemicycles. And there definitely isn't time to go into merkhets.
Speaking of merkhets, a close cousin of the clock is the watch. The watch is the time-telling device that most of us use today. We do not however, use it to tell time. We use it to do numerous other tasks that watch manufacturers have incorporated into watches like instant messaging, reading email, and fast forwarding the DVD player. There's even a new watch on the market that comes equip with a radiation detector. And you laughed at the Eyptians for drinking from their time-telling devices.
Obviously, time is not something that can be explained in just one lesson. There's a ton of more interesting stuff we could go into about time but, frankly, I don't feel like taking the time to look it up right now. I believe I've achieved my goal of using as many time cliches as I possibly could in one article and now, I think it's time to call an extended timeout on this whole time subject. I'm sure when I do write the follow-up to this article that it will be just in the nick of time. Probably sometime around Wayeb 1st.
Time is defined by the The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language as: 'A nonspatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past through the present to the future.' This definition leads us to the obvious question: If a definition contains 20 word, 5 of which contain 10 or more letters, and it still doesn't make much sense, isn't it time to get another dictionary?
Of course, dictionaries aren't the only people who have trouble with time. The ancient Mayans, for example, struggled to understand time for centuries and never got it quite right. One look at their calender clues you in to this fact. The Mayan calender had 18 months, one of which was called ChikChan (short for May), and each month had 20 days. There was even one month, Wayeb, that had only 5 days. As you can imagine, this horribly inaccurate calender made scheduling important events like the Super Bowl next to impossible. It also left them wide open to insults from other ancient civilizations, like the Sumerians for example, who had fairly accurate calenders.
The Sumerian calender had 365 days per year and even incorporated a leap year. Sadly, there was no Presidents Day, Martin Luther King Day, or Arbor Day incorporated into the Sumerian calender which is why the Sumerian civilization was eventually wiped out. Such flagrant calender discrimination, even in the Dark Ages, could not be tolerated.
Since we have covered all pertinent information available about calenders, I think it's high time we expand our understanding of time by discussing another mechanism by which we mortals judge the passing of it. But first, does anyone know where the phrase 'high time' comes from? Is there such a thing as 'low time'. Feel free to ponder these questions quietly as we move on to discussing: The Clock.
A clock, for those of you who don't know, is defined by The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language as...Wait a second! Let's not even go there. We're already pretty confused as it is. Let's just all agree that a clock is a device that has lots of numbers and two arms and makes it's living by juggling minutes and seconds.
I feel the extreme need to insert a time cliche here. This cliche makes absolutely no sense whatsoever and probably has pagan, barbaric origins, but I think it summarizes what we've learned thus far in our discussion. So here goes our first time cliche 'A stitch in time saves nine'. And now back to the show.
There have been numerous different kinds of clocks throughout history. Many of them made absolutely no sense whatsoever. A good example of this is the ancient Egyptian water clock, which was basically just a bowl with a hole in the bottom of it. There were markings on the inside of the bowl that measured the passage of 'hours' as the water level reached them. One of the obvious problems with this clock was the fact that whenever working-class Egyptians wanted to get off work early they would keep taking little sips of water from the bowl/clock throughout the day. This was one of the reasons it took so long to finish the Pyramids.That and the lack of power tools.
Time doesn't permit us to talk about the other types of ancient clocks like obelisks, sundials, and hemicycles. And there definitely isn't time to go into merkhets.
Speaking of merkhets, a close cousin of the clock is the watch. The watch is the time-telling device that most of us use today. We do not however, use it to tell time. We use it to do numerous other tasks that watch manufacturers have incorporated into watches like instant messaging, reading email, and fast forwarding the DVD player. There's even a new watch on the market that comes equip with a radiation detector. And you laughed at the Eyptians for drinking from their time-telling devices.
Obviously, time is not something that can be explained in just one lesson. There's a ton of more interesting stuff we could go into about time but, frankly, I don't feel like taking the time to look it up right now. I believe I've achieved my goal of using as many time cliches as I possibly could in one article and now, I think it's time to call an extended timeout on this whole time subject. I'm sure when I do write the follow-up to this article that it will be just in the nick of time. Probably sometime around Wayeb 1st.
Things That Go Bump in the Night
Last night my wife, Nancy, and I were alone in the house. We were just falling asleep when we were startled by a thunderous thump and a loud, drawn-out dragging sound coming from somewhere within our house.
We both sat up in bed and Nancy whispered, “What was that?”
Now how am I supposed to know what’s going on in the rest of the house? I’m not clairvoyant, I’m scared. I’m the only person I know who’s childhood hero was the Cowardly Lion from ‘The Wizard of Oz.’ The problem is, if I tell her the truth she’ll want me to investigate. Apparently, during our wedding vows I agreed to take out the trash and investigate psychotic murderers crawling around our house in the middle of the night.
I decide not to panic her. “It was just the wind,” I assure her, my voice quivering with fear.
“Oh, okay,” she says and believes me! “Thank goodness you’re here or I’d be frightened to death.” Then she rolls over, closes her eyes and immediately falls back to sleep. How in the world can she fall back to sleep? Does she really believe I’d be capable of defending her from the evil fiend that could make a noise like that?
She falls back to sleep and I have to lie there waiting for some monster to break down the bedroom door. Naturally I suddenly have to go to the bathroom. Bad, but not nearly bad enough for me to climb out from under the covers.
It’s not that I’m really afraid, I know those things only happen in the movies and the Grim Reaper is not wandering around my living room looking for his next victim. The only reason I don’t investigate the noise is because I know it really was just the wind. And I don’t have to go to the bathroom that badly, it can wait until morning. Everything always seems better in the daylight. Besides, Nancy always gets up before I do.
We both sat up in bed and Nancy whispered, “What was that?”
Now how am I supposed to know what’s going on in the rest of the house? I’m not clairvoyant, I’m scared. I’m the only person I know who’s childhood hero was the Cowardly Lion from ‘The Wizard of Oz.’ The problem is, if I tell her the truth she’ll want me to investigate. Apparently, during our wedding vows I agreed to take out the trash and investigate psychotic murderers crawling around our house in the middle of the night.
I decide not to panic her. “It was just the wind,” I assure her, my voice quivering with fear.
“Oh, okay,” she says and believes me! “Thank goodness you’re here or I’d be frightened to death.” Then she rolls over, closes her eyes and immediately falls back to sleep. How in the world can she fall back to sleep? Does she really believe I’d be capable of defending her from the evil fiend that could make a noise like that?
She falls back to sleep and I have to lie there waiting for some monster to break down the bedroom door. Naturally I suddenly have to go to the bathroom. Bad, but not nearly bad enough for me to climb out from under the covers.
It’s not that I’m really afraid, I know those things only happen in the movies and the Grim Reaper is not wandering around my living room looking for his next victim. The only reason I don’t investigate the noise is because I know it really was just the wind. And I don’t have to go to the bathroom that badly, it can wait until morning. Everything always seems better in the daylight. Besides, Nancy always gets up before I do.
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