Due to a revolutionary procedure, an entirely new species of human is now afoot on the earth – neither all male nor all female. And people who have undergone the procedure seem delighted.
A mostly female member of the species confided, “When you become a new species, it changes your whole outlook. I’m no longer really flamingly female or, for that matter, flamingly male. It makes me really happy. ”
“I’m an early adapter,” a mostly male person who had undergone the procedure told us. “As a result, I often feel ahead of my time, but, wow, when I come across another person who has gone through it, we really hit it off.”
Another primarily female incarnation of the remarkable development confided, “When you become a third species, it changes your whole outlook. I’m no longer really agressively female and certainly not rabidly male.”
What exactly is this revolutionary procedure?
We spoke with Dr. Emil Changemaker, the founder of the technique, and asked, “We understand you’ve created a new species of human being. Can you please elaborate?”
“Happy to oblige. First, this sex change operation requires no surgery.”
“It doesn’t?” we asked, surprised.
“No, the change occurs, not between the legs, but between the ears.”
“Oh, between the ears?”
“Exactly,” he confirmed.
“Please, go on.”
“Well, you see, until now, we had human types that are pretty much all male and all female. Of course, there have been a few exceptions, but not enough for most people to notice.”
“And now?” we inquired.
“Oh, thanks to the technique, there are quite a few more.”
“I see. As the world’s leading expert on the subject, how did you manage to create a new species?”
“Me? I didn’t have anything to do with it.”
“You didn’t?” we asked, a bit taken back. “Excuse me, if you didn’t have anything to do with it, why are you the founder of the technique? You see, we never heard of a founder who didn’t have anything to do with what he founded.”
“Oh, I founded it just because I saw it happening and I brought it to people’s attention, first to my family, then to some friends. Next, I wrote an article. Then a book. Now, I’m working on a video.”
“Well, it sounds as if you’re doing the usual things a founder does. What did you see happening?”
“Well, I saw this third species evolving.”
“The one that’s neither 100% male or 100% female?”
“Exactamundo!” he exclaimed.
“Why is it evolving?”
“Primarily, because it’s time, actually way past time, I think, for the new species to make its appearance.”
“Why is that?”
“Well, when you just had the overly male types or the overly female types, you had one side being really macho and the other side tipping toward being ultra feminist. So they had a hard time inhabiting the earth together, let alone the same bedroom. And happily married? Tough hoe to row, I mean, a tough row to hoe. I’ve been through it and just the thought discombobulates me.”
“What about the new species?”
“The most welcome development you can imagine.”
“Why is that?” we asked.
“Because when this species evolves, you no longer have the snarling pro macho type or the rabid feminist type.”
“What do you have?”
“Well, basically, you have a person.”
“A person? That’s the third type?”
“Please, don’t underestimate what I’m saying. This is a real big deal, the most welcome development you can imagine.”
“What is so special about this new species of person?” we wanted to know, determined to corner him.
“Well, it’s a person who advocates people’s rights.”
“Right! It’s an evolution that leaves the purebred brute or feminist back at the orifice of the allegorical cave. You don’t advocate the superiority of men or the superiority of women. You don’t even advocate equal rights for either.”
“Not even equal rights?”
“Certainly not, because the very act of advocating equal rights assumes there’s an inequality. It’s a self-propagating prejudice. Nobody advocates equality when it exists, do they?”
“Well, that’s interesting. So when you advocate people’s rights, there’s no inherent or implied prejudice?”
“Correct! I’m talking about a species that’s comfortable just being human – not as an overheated new advocacy but just as an easygoing assumption. Of course, the species is still very much aware that there are two halves of the human race.”
“That hasn’t changed?”
“No, just the way they think of each other – in the whole rigmarole together, peaceful partners, except for a little of the inevitable pot throwing that even equals can’t always avoid, especially men and women. It solves a lot of problems, in the outside world and in the home, downstairs and upstairs.”
“Hmm, I imagine it would. What do you think the future holds for this new species?”
“Well, it’s like all evolutionary developments. You never know if the new excrescence of the gene pool will flourish, or perish because of the pressures exerted by the more established species. My hope is that it will enlarge its presence and, perhaps over time, entirely replace the previous incarnations.”
“Wow, when this interview began, I never would’ve suspected.”
“What’s that?” he asked.
“I’m actually a member of the new species.”
“Well, at least, I like to think so. And I bet a lot of people who are fans of NewsLaugh didn't realize they’re part of a new species until they read this interview.”
“How long have you been a member?” he asked.
“Oh, I went beyond advocating one side or the other a long time ago. I think of myself as just a happy-go-lucky, ducky and whatever person.”
“Good for you,” he said, and took out a notepad.
“What are you doing?” I asked. “I’m the one who’s supposed to take notes.”
“Just adding you to my list of humans who have evolved to my favorite species. I like to keep track. The trend is my friend – and yours!”